At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say that whatever you do, attempt to do it fairly for all your kids. My sister is stil resentful about the fact that my brother and I got help with grad school while she chose not to go to grad school. My brother and his wife bled my parents dry for years to the point that my parents were putting off costly and necessary home repairs so they could pay for my brothers' kids private school.

"fair" is different to everyone.

For us, we will fund undergrad and graduate school. However, if one kid chooses not to attend Graduate school, it doesn't mean they get $100K+ to "spend however they want". That money is allocated for school. They are not getting it to get a sports car or something else. And IMO, that is fair. It's not "$X for each kid" it's paying for their education.

One kid cost us $40K/year for college, done in 4 years. The next kid is costing us $90K/year for college and with this economy and job outlook, may do their MS in their field (Engineering) if they cannot find a decent job. We will pay for that (it's likely to be $85K+). Does that mean kid 1 gets extra $$$? No. If/when they want to attend graduate school, we will assist them. We have paid for each kid's educational needs along the way. Kid 1 required lots of intensive tutoring/therapies from ES-HS, some years spending $15K+. It's what they needed and we provided it. Doesn't mean the other kid gets something in return

What you describe sounds crazy unfair. If your engineering kid can’t get a decent job out of undergrad it’s because there is an issue with your kid…an issue that grad school won’t solve. So if I am your other kid I see that as you forking over $85k for nothing.

BTW any 1/2 decent kid gets any grad school for free in engineering…nearly all “decent” jobs will pay for it in the worst case.

I for the life of me don’t get why anyone is paying for law school or an MBA…those are choices which often turn out poorly and are often pursued not due to any particular passion but just a lost kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

Does not affect at all. The only expenses I have for adult children are if we take them out for dinner, and their birthdays/Christmas presents. I am planning to work at least to 65 because I love what I am doing and maybe scale down after that, if health permits. I am 50 right now and as of now, I do not plan to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, unless I will have an unexpected income increase.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

We are on the same page now: kids will get our assets only after both of us deceased. I am 10 years younger than my spouse, so he wants to make sure I have enough money during retirement.

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc? We cover travels to and from home while they were in college (youngest is still in college), after they got a job - they pay for their travels.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities? No. We invite them and tell them that the house is paid, and we will treat them for 2 dinners, but the rest of the cost they have to cover themselves.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict? I think it is reasonable if the car is not used at that time. If the car is needed, they can uber or use public transportation.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too? More likely not, but I might be in the situation where I will change my mind. No automatic payment for all siblings, some of the kids chose the major that will not require grad school (engineering), or more likely their jobs will pay for grad school. One is in PhD fully funded program.

[Anonymous]

We will pay for weddings. We will help with down payment if we are able to do so, not a ton - maybe 50-100k?

We pay for airlines food dining out when they come home

We pay for trips with us.

We won’t pay for grad school as their employer will help pick up the bill and it’s not necessary in their profession until maybe executive levels and then it will be a vanity exec mba degree.

Spouse and I are on the same page

None of this impacts our retirement.

[Anonymous]

Some of the help that we have given has probably pushed our retirement age further out by one or two years.

We give all help that we can to our children. We also want to be self-sufficient and healthy in our retirement so that -
a) we continue getting our pretty great pension for a long time so that we can help our kids, b) we are able to be a source of strength and be a fall-back plan for them, c) they don't have to do too much to help us, d) we can provide care, education and childcare for our grandkids and ease the tasks of maintaining a household, so that they can concentrate on family, work and health, d) we are financially self-sufficient and e) we can enjoy our old age and some of the wealth in doing the things that we like.

Our non-negotiables were -
- Our retirement
- Kids college

We have also been able to give (or planning to give) within reason the following LUXURIES. -
- Lavish wedding
- First new car
- Seed money for investing
- Set up for fully furnished first apartment
- Down payment help for first residence

We are not taking away this money with us. But, we also don't want to give it to our kids before we die. And we don't want to set up the expectation that we will live a miserable life to give them luxuries. Nope.

Not depending on our children financially is the biggest financial gift we can give to them.

[Anonymous]

After they graduate debt free they were on their own……until they are succeeding on their own. Then we pay for weddings and provide short term loans for home buying and then we are very generous with grandchildren 529 plans. They know we will always be there for them.

[Anonymous]

OP, as to no. 6, there is a thread ongoing in the College subforum on paying for law school. We are paying for a T4 (after DC takes out max unsubsidized federal student loans), becausd, quite simply, she couldn’t go if we didn’t because it’s so expensive now. ALSO, DC worked her butt off the make this happen.

[Anonymous]

My company we have 10 people senior mgt team (all C level) Top 10 in company ranging from 52-63. I just realized 9 of them have kids most likely on our health plan. Most have slides in health plan.

I guess gone are days the 55-65 employees are cheaper to insure as non have family plans. And we have high income people not retiring as even at 63 like me have 5 people on the medical plan. Plus we have several on management team who got married later with kids in college.

The hamster wheel keeps spinning if one person is paying the bills for five person ole including medical, cell phones, Netflix, college, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say that whatever you do, attempt to do it fairly for all your kids. My sister is stil resentful about the fact that my brother and I got help with grad school while she chose not to go to grad school. My brother and his wife bled my parents dry for years to the point that my parents were putting off costly and necessary home repairs so they could pay for my brothers' kids private school.

"fair" is different to everyone.

For us, we will fund undergrad and graduate school. However, if one kid chooses not to attend Graduate school, it doesn't mean they get $100K+ to "spend however they want". That money is allocated for school. They are not getting it to get a sports car or something else. And IMO, that is fair. It's not "$X for each kid" it's paying for their education.

One kid cost us $40K/year for college, done in 4 years. The next kid is costing us $90K/year for college and with this economy and job outlook, may do their MS in their field (Engineering) if they cannot find a decent job. We will pay for that (it's likely to be $85K+). Does that mean kid 1 gets extra $$$? No. If/when they want to attend graduate school, we will assist them. We have paid for each kid's educational needs along the way. Kid 1 required lots of intensive tutoring/therapies from ES-HS, some years spending $15K+. It's what they needed and we provided it. Doesn't mean the other kid gets something in return

What you describe sounds crazy unfair. If your engineering kid can’t get a decent job out of undergrad it’s because there is an issue with your kid…an issue that grad school won’t solve. So if I am your other kid I see that as you forking over $85k for nothing.

BTW any 1/2 decent kid gets any grad school for free in engineering…nearly all “decent” jobs will pay for it in the worst case.

I for the life of me don’t get why anyone is paying for law school or an MBA…those are choices which often turn out poorly and are often pursued not due to any particular passion but just a lost kid.

Have you seen the job market recently?!?!? Even engineering is hard to land jobs. Companies are laying people off, not hiring. And most companies do not pay for MS in engineering.

Also how is that not fair? Kids know their education is fully paid for. What they choose to use is up to them. We provided all therapy and tutoring needs to get each kid at their best performance level. One doesn't get more $$$ because they didn't need tutoring or intensive therapies as a ES/MS/HS student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

Does not affect at all. The only expenses I have for adult children are if we take them out for dinner, and their birthdays/Christmas presents. I am planning to work at least to 65 because I love what I am doing and maybe scale down after that, if health permits. I am 50 right now and as of now, I do not plan to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, unless I will have an unexpected income increase.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

We are on the same page now: kids will get our assets only after both of us deceased. I am 10 years younger than my spouse, so he wants to make sure I have enough money during retirement.

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc? We cover travels to and from home while they were in college (youngest is still in college), after they got a job - they pay for their travels.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities? No. We invite them and tell them that the house is paid, and we will treat them for 2 dinners, but the rest of the cost they have to cover themselves.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict? I think it is reasonable if the car is not used at that time. If the car is needed, they can uber or use public transportation.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too? More likely not, but I might be in the situation where I will change my mind. No automatic payment for all siblings, some of the kids chose the major that will not require grad school (engineering), or more likely their jobs will pay for grad school. One is in PhD fully funded program.

I would not work longer to pay for weddings/grad school/etc for my grown kids. We can afford it for ours, but if we couldn't we would not delay retirement. Best gift you can give your kids is you not being a burden during your elder years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say that whatever you do, attempt to do it fairly for all your kids. My sister is stil resentful about the fact that my brother and I got help with grad school while she chose not to go to grad school. My brother and his wife bled my parents dry for years to the point that my parents were putting off costly and necessary home repairs so they could pay for my brothers' kids private school.

"fair" is different to everyone.

For us, we will fund undergrad and graduate school. However, if one kid chooses not to attend Graduate school, it doesn't mean they get $100K+ to "spend however they want". That money is allocated for school. They are not getting it to get a sports car or something else. And IMO, that is fair. It's not "$X for each kid" it's paying for their education.

One kid cost us $40K/year for college, done in 4 years. The next kid is costing us $90K/year for college and with this economy and job outlook, may do their MS in their field (Engineering) if they cannot find a decent job. We will pay for that (it's likely to be $85K+). Does that mean kid 1 gets extra $$$? No. If/when they want to attend graduate school, we will assist them. We have paid for each kid's educational needs along the way. Kid 1 required lots of intensive tutoring/therapies from ES-HS, some years spending $15K+. It's what they needed and we provided it. Doesn't mean the other kid gets something in return

What you describe sounds crazy unfair. If your engineering kid can’t get a decent job out of undergrad it’s because there is an issue with your kid…an issue that grad school won’t solve. So if I am your other kid I see that as you forking over $85k for nothing.

BTW any 1/2 decent kid gets any grad school for free in engineering…nearly all “decent” jobs will pay for it in the worst case.

I for the life of me don’t get why anyone is paying for law school or an MBA…those are choices which often turn out poorly and are often pursued not due to any particular passion but just a lost kid.

Have you seen the job market recently?!?!? Even engineering is hard to land jobs. Companies are laying people off, not hiring. And most companies do not pay for MS in engineering.

Also how is that not fair? Kids know their education is fully paid for. What they choose to use is up to them. We provided all therapy and tutoring needs to get each kid at their best performance level. One doesn't get more $$$ because they didn't need tutoring or intensive therapies as a ES/MS/HS student.

Well…yeah…I have a kid majoring in CS that currently interns for an AI company and makes a ton…with two FT offers from other companies…and that’s CS. If he decided to get a Masters it would be free. All his engineering friends are landing jobs.

Sounds like kid #2 is doing something wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this is insane. Talk about failure to launch.

Not failure to launch as much as adult kids trying to pass as much costs on to their parents as they can, and their parents are looking at setting some boundaries.

Stop “helping.” The whole post reads like a how to raise entitled and spoiled children and not adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

Does not affect at all. The only expenses I have for adult children are if we take them out for dinner, and their birthdays/Christmas presents. I am planning to work at least to 65 because I love what I am doing and maybe scale down after that, if health permits. I am 50 right now and as of now, I do not plan to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, unless I will have an unexpected income increase.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

We are on the same page now: kids will get our assets only after both of us deceased. I am 10 years younger than my spouse, so he wants to make sure I have enough money during retirement.

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc? We cover travels to and from home while they were in college (youngest is still in college), after they got a job - they pay for their travels.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities? No. We invite them and tell them that the house is paid, and we will treat them for 2 dinners, but the rest of the cost they have to cover themselves.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict? I think it is reasonable if the car is not used at that time. If the car is needed, they can uber or use public transportation.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too? More likely not, but I might be in the situation where I will change my mind. No automatic payment for all siblings, some of the kids chose the major that will not require grad school (engineering), or more likely their jobs will pay for grad school. One is in PhD fully funded program.

I would not work longer to pay for weddings/grad school/etc for my grown kids. We can afford it for ours, but if we couldn't we would not delay retirement. Best gift you can give your kids is you not being a burden during your elder years

You are teaching them they don’t have to save and don’t have to budget. They won’t have savings to help you if you drain your savings and then need medical care. Take a stroll over to the elder care forum and read the monthly costs for in home and out of the home care. If those posts don’t shock you into saving for your own retirement and medical care, then you maybe are more well off than you posted- in which case, do whatever you want and hope you have $ left when need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as to no. 6, there is a thread ongoing in the College subforum on paying for law school. We are paying for a T4 (after DC takes out max unsubsidized federal student loans), becausd, quite simply, she couldn’t go if we didn’t because it’s so expensive now. ALSO, DC worked her butt off the make this happen.

Then students should work until they save to pay. So many people go to grad schools only because they don’t know what else to do and end up unhappy. Having student fully pay for it makes them ask themselves the hard questions and determine if they really want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

Does not affect at all. The only expenses I have for adult children are if we take them out for dinner, and their birthdays/Christmas presents. I am planning to work at least to 65 because I love what I am doing and maybe scale down after that, if health permits. I am 50 right now and as of now, I do not plan to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, unless I will have an unexpected income increase.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

We are on the same page now: kids will get our assets only after both of us deceased. I am 10 years younger than my spouse, so he wants to make sure I have enough money during retirement.

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc? We cover travels to and from home while they were in college (youngest is still in college), after they got a job - they pay for their travels.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities? No. We invite them and tell them that the house is paid, and we will treat them for 2 dinners, but the rest of the cost they have to cover themselves.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict? I think it is reasonable if the car is not used at that time. If the car is needed, they can uber or use public transportation.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too? More likely not, but I might be in the situation where I will change my mind. No automatic payment for all siblings, some of the kids chose the major that will not require grad school (engineering), or more likely their jobs will pay for grad school. One is in PhD fully funded program.

I would not work longer to pay for weddings/grad school/etc for my grown kids. We can afford it for ours, but if we couldn't we would not delay retirement. Best gift you can give your kids is you not being a burden during your elder years

You are teaching them they don’t have to save and don’t have to budget. They won’t have savings to help you if you drain your savings and then need medical care. Take a stroll over to the elder care forum and read the monthly costs for in home and out of the home care. If those posts don’t shock you into saving for your own retirement and medical care, then you maybe are more well off than you posted- in which case, do whatever you want and hope you have $ left when need it.

Maybe your kids wouldn't know how to save. Our kids do. Our 26 yo has over $220K between retirement and regular savings (and only started out at $60K after undergrad). it's because they save and budget. Yes we gift them savings for the Roth and 401K, but they are still saving 25%+ of their income otherwise and living within a budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

Does not affect at all. The only expenses I have for adult children are if we take them out for dinner, and their birthdays/Christmas presents. I am planning to work at least to 65 because I love what I am doing and maybe scale down after that, if health permits. I am 50 right now and as of now, I do not plan to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, unless I will have an unexpected income increase.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

We are on the same page now: kids will get our assets only after both of us deceased. I am 10 years younger than my spouse, so he wants to make sure I have enough money during retirement.

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc? We cover travels to and from home while they were in college (youngest is still in college), after they got a job - they pay for their travels.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities? No. We invite them and tell them that the house is paid, and we will treat them for 2 dinners, but the rest of the cost they have to cover themselves.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict? I think it is reasonable if the car is not used at that time. If the car is needed, they can uber or use public transportation.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too? More likely not, but I might be in the situation where I will change my mind. No automatic payment for all siblings, some of the kids chose the major that will not require grad school (engineering), or more likely their jobs will pay for grad school. One is in PhD fully funded program.

I would not work longer to pay for weddings/grad school/etc for my grown kids. We can afford it for ours, but if we couldn't we would not delay retirement. Best gift you can give your kids is you not being a burden during your elder years

You are teaching them they don’t have to save and don’t have to budget. They won’t have savings to help you if you drain your savings and then need medical care. Take a stroll over to the elder care forum and read the monthly costs for in home and out of the home care. If those posts don’t shock you into saving for your own retirement and medical care, then you maybe are more well off than you posted- in which case, do whatever you want and hope you have $ left when need it.

Our kids are quite frugal and budget and save. They also know we pay for many extras and that we can afford our elder care costs ourselves. I'm well aware of aging care costs. Paying to help our parents, but we are completely covered in the UHNW category.

But you can still teach wealthy kids to save and budget. Daily our kids manage as if they don't get extras. But they know we pay for vacations and extras, they know they wont have to save for their kids education and we will help with a home downpayment. Why wait to give them the Money when we die