At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

1. No for weddings or down payments; maybe for grad school, if working is not a hardship for me.
2. Luckily I don’t have this issue. If I did, I would probably go separate finances (as far as discretionary spending) with my spouse.
3. I treat them like any other guest, so “no” to airline tickets, “of course” to groceries, and “it depends” to dining out.
4. I cover joint activities that I pick. I pay if it’s my invitation.
5. Yes to use of the car, but in case of a conflict, my schedule is a priority unless we discussed it beforehand.
6. See #1.

Same

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.

OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.

I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.

Significant funding of one set of parents requires 1 of you to work beyond 65. Living situation of the parents? % of spouses' and total net income going to fund the parents? So the real question is can the parents expenses be reduced. How far away from 65 are you and the DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.

OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.

I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.

Significant funding of one set of parents requires 1 of you to work beyond 65. Living situation of the parents? % of spouses' and total net income going to fund the parents? So the real question is can the parents expenses be reduced. How far away from 65 are you and the DH?

It doesn't have to require "one of you to work beyond 65". Not if you plan accordinly

[Anonymous]

We split 10K a month among our different adults kids who all have a different credit card limit on my ex's account.

It's just what works for all of us.

[Anonymous]

How old are you people?

[Anonymous]

What does “getting them through college” exactly mean here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We split 10K a month among our different adults kids who all have a different credit card limit on my ex's account.

It's just what works for all of us.

Yikes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does “getting them through college” exactly mean here?

Different things to different families.

For Us: it means fully funding college so they don't have any debt, we also funded spending money in college, as we wanted them to focus on their academics (and they did).

For others it means "we have $25K to help you with each year of college for 4 years, the rest is on you".

[Anonymous]

You all are well off. Upper 10%. That means 90% who love their families can't do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

Yes, DD got into Harvard Law. It's now $121K. There is no way she can afford that, so she will do fed unsubsidized loans and we will help with the rest. We are balancing it out with sibling (whom we paid for college) with a matching amount for a down payment for a condo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are well off. Upper 10%. That means 90% who love their families can't do this.

Not true. I'm a super saver, great at planning and budgeting. Not well off yet, but my kid is also working while in college and we will be well off together. I know exactly where every dollar needs to go to make the most good. I try to double the pay as it comes in and then we spend it on important things.

[Anonymous]

Do you have over $200K HHI

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are well off. Upper 10%. That means 90% who love their families can't do this.

Most of us are well aware of that. Parents do what they can. If they can afford to help with a downpayment/wedding/first car/etc, most will do so. If they can't they do what they can afford (such as allowing the kid to continue living at home for a few years to save up for a home purchase, etc)

[Anonymous]

I accepted a lot of help from my parents but I never would have agreed to it if it had anything to do with them retiring or really making any meaningful sacrifices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

Yes, DD got into Harvard Law. It's now $121K. There is no way she can afford that, so she will do fed unsubsidized loans and we will help with the rest. We are balancing it out with sibling (whom we paid for college) with a matching amount for a down payment for a condo

Yes, IMO if you help one kid you have to offer the other something similar, when it's this significant. If one doesn't want/need grad school, then you help with a down payment.

And yes, I would work another year or two to help ensure my kids can get the education they want and not incur massive debt. Otherwise the only people going into MD/Law/PA/DPT/MBA would be rich kids.
And we need and deserve more diversity than that for our society.