At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.
What is a good job in this terrible job market?

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?
Yes. I would keep working to pay for grad school if need be. But not for other things.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?
What we would provide to our kids was mutually decided by both of us when the kids were little. Our primary aim was to fund our retirement and college (state) for both our kids. After these two - whatever additional help we could provide for our children - wedding, car - were due to some strokes of good luck. We did not jeopardise our own retirement or the kids colleges.

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?
Isn't this a function of what they can afford and what you can afford? I would pay for groceries and meals out for any house guest. For my ACs, I would also pay for air-tickets if I made more money than them.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?
No, not 100%. As they have started to make more money, they are able to pay for more things. My kids are also quite frugal and moneywise. But, right now - I would pay for housing, food, etc - because we make substantially more than them.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?
Absolutely reasonable to take your car, use your house to host their friends, use everything in your house as if they are your own children. If there is a schedule conflict (ie you need the car to go to work), of course then you take the car.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

YES. YES. When we say that we will pay 100% for college - it includes grad school, law school, medical school and MBA.

[Anonymous]

My dad had a good system in my opinion -

He would pay for up to five years of education.
If you got scholarships, he would pay you some of that back in cash when you graduate as money to help with something like a car down payment. Since your college funds were not fully depleted. I received about $15K.
No other help on house, expenses, etc. - no money whatsoever
Once every few years, if we do a family trip, he will pay for everyone.

Clear boundaries and I knew there was no money coming. I was very motivated and strategic in my career because I knew I had to make money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.

OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.

I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.

I feel sorry for your parents. Obviously they didn’t do a good job as parents.

You mean being functional humans who saved appropriately? Oh they definitely did that. Sorry you and yours didnt. Good luck to your children having to support you because of your poor decision making - how embarrassing for you.

LOL. My kids are fine, thank you. I don’t believe giving kids money makes them any less “functional” but I guess you want to believe that. It’s not like kids are asking for money.

You have terrible reading comprehension. PP is saying that functional adults save for their own retirement and don't need their children to support them in their old age - like OP is doing for her inlaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.

OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.

I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.

I feel sorry for your parents. Obviously they didn’t do a good job as parents.

You mean being functional humans who saved appropriately? Oh they definitely did that. Sorry you and yours didnt. Good luck to your children having to support you because of your poor decision making - how embarrassing for you.

LOL. My kids are fine, thank you. I don’t believe giving kids money makes them any less “functional” but I guess you want to believe that. It’s not like kids are asking for money.

You have terrible reading comprehension. PP is saying that functional adults save for their own retirement and don't need their children to support them in their old age - like OP is doing for her inlaws.

DP here. Maybe the adults who were in poor economical situation due to factors outside their control, sacrificed their retirement savings to provide the leg up of a good education to their children. Yes, the adult children need to take care of the elderly parents in their old age. Due to their parents sacrifice they are in a position to actually help their own parents and also their children.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you and your husband from different culture from each other. You sound White and your DH sounds Asian.

[Anonymous]

Yes to paying for college and yes to contributing to a wedding.

Yes to helping with small costs after they graduate college- stay on family health plan, phone plan etc.

I would expect my children to be able to pay for their own living expenses. I don’t want to do anything that hinders their own agency and motivation.

I have seen too many of my friends who were supported financially fizzle and never amount to anything professional.

I will always be available in a crisis though. I want them know they have someone they can lean on, if need be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad had a good system in my opinion -

He would pay for up to five years of education.
If you got scholarships, he would pay you some of that back in cash when you graduate as money to help with something like a car down payment. Since your college funds were not fully depleted. I received about $15K.
No other help on house, expenses, etc. - no money whatsoever
Once every few years, if we do a family trip, he will pay for everyone.

Clear boundaries and I knew there was no money coming. I was very motivated and strategic in my career because I knew I had to make money.

Who can pay to provide financial leg up to their children? Only people who have the money. And money is earned many a times (not in every case) by some inherent privilege that gives the people an advantage over others.

We are not privileged or connected people. A debt-free college education was the least that we could give them. But we planned for state college and STEM majors. We did not fund for private college and non-employable majors.

My kids are well aware that the money that we give is not endless and they have to stand on their own two feet in the end. But, our help goes a long way in leveling the playing field for them. They also know that if they want to live with us without paying us any rent or board, we are fine with it. As long as they are saving and investing their money and they can take better care of their family and do better by them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.

OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.

I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.

I feel sorry for your parents. Obviously they didn’t do a good job as parents.

You mean being functional humans who saved appropriately? Oh they definitely did that. Sorry you and yours didnt. Good luck to your children having to support you because of your poor decision making - how embarrassing for you.

LOL. My kids are fine, thank you. I don’t believe giving kids money makes them any less “functional” but I guess you want to believe that. It’s not like kids are asking for money.

You have terrible reading comprehension. PP is saying that functional adults save for their own retirement and don't need their children to support them in their old age - like OP is doing for her inlaws.

DP here. Maybe the adults who were in poor economical situation due to factors outside their control, sacrificed their retirement savings to provide the leg up of a good education to their children. Yes, the adult children need to take care of the elderly parents in their old age. Due to their parents sacrifice they are in a position to actually help their own parents and also their children.

Wasn't any of this - my spouse has been 100% independent since age 18, paid for college through scholarships, and started sending money to parents at a young age, which created expectations and dependency. We are not from a culture where this is the norm. It's more of a rescuer/martyr complex. Ultimately, I never have control over how much money goes to in-laws within our marriage. I'm worried we've developed similar expectations and dependency with adult kids, but hopefully it's just a stage, and as they mature, they'll be less inclined to take advantage of this generosity, as it comes at a cost. I'm also okay with my spouse working forever - they choose this, and I have no control over it. We kind of already have separate finances as we have our own retirement accounts and other investment accounts, but a joint checking account for living expenses.

Most people's feedback on reasonable contributions to adult kids aligns with my beliefs. We gave the kids a blank check to attend any undergraduate program they wanted, and they chose pricy ones and graduated with no student loan debt, and they are now employed in good jobs. Seems like the buck should stop there. It did for me; for my spouse, it stopped at 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.

OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.

I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.

I feel sorry for your parents. Obviously they didn’t do a good job as parents.

You mean being functional humans who saved appropriately? Oh they definitely did that. Sorry you and yours didnt. Good luck to your children having to support you because of your poor decision making - how embarrassing for you.

LOL. My kids are fine, thank you. I don’t believe giving kids money makes them any less “functional” but I guess you want to believe that. It’s not like kids are asking for money.

You have terrible reading comprehension. PP is saying that functional adults save for their own retirement and don't need their children to support them in their old age - like OP is doing for her inlaws.

DP here. Maybe the adults who were in poor economical situation due to factors outside their control, sacrificed their retirement savings to provide the leg up of a good education to their children. Yes, the adult children need to take care of the elderly parents in their old age. Due to their parents sacrifice they are in a position to actually help their own parents and also their children.

Wasn't any of this - my spouse has been 100% independent since age 18, paid for college through scholarships, and started sending money to parents at a young age, which created expectations and dependency. We are not from a culture where this is the norm. It's more of a rescuer/martyr complex. Ultimately, I never have control over how much money goes to in-laws within our marriage. I'm worried we've developed similar expectations and dependency with adult kids, but hopefully it's just a stage, and as they mature, they'll be less inclined to take advantage of this generosity, as it comes at a cost. I'm also okay with my spouse working forever - they choose this, and I have no control over it. We kind of already have separate finances as we have our own retirement accounts and other investment accounts, but a joint checking account for living expenses.

Most people's feedback on reasonable contributions to adult kids aligns with my beliefs. We gave the kids a blank check to attend any undergraduate program they wanted, and they chose pricy ones and graduated with no student loan debt, and they are now employed in good jobs. Seems like the buck should stop there. It did for me; for my spouse, it stopped at 18.

You have a lot of issues around money and relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.

OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.

I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.

I feel sorry for your parents. Obviously they didn’t do a good job as parents.

You mean being functional humans who saved appropriately? Oh they definitely did that. Sorry you and yours didnt. Good luck to your children having to support you because of your poor decision making - how embarrassing for you.

LOL. My kids are fine, thank you. I don’t believe giving kids money makes them any less “functional” but I guess you want to believe that. It’s not like kids are asking for money.

You have terrible reading comprehension. PP is saying that functional adults save for their own retirement and don't need their children to support them in their old age - like OP is doing for her inlaws.

DP here. Maybe the adults who were in poor economical situation due to factors outside their control, sacrificed their retirement savings to provide the leg up of a good education to their children. Yes, the adult children need to take care of the elderly parents in their old age. Due to their parents sacrifice they are in a position to actually help their own parents and also their children.

Nope. No law that says this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes to paying for college and yes to contributing to a wedding.

Yes to helping with small costs after they graduate college- stay on family health plan, phone plan etc.

I would expect my children to be able to pay for their own living expenses. I don’t want to do anything that hinders their own agency and motivation.

I have seen too many of my friends who were supported financially fizzle and never amount to anything professional.

I will always be available in a crisis though. I want them know they have someone they can lean on, if need be.

This has been our approach as well. We feel strongly that our kids need to live within their means. Friends who have given too much often yield kids who expect more at every stage and who are not able to live within their own means and save accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

We will be as we started late. Will do our best to help with college, grad school and hopefully some of a down payment. Wedding, only a really modest one.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

Depends on what and why

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?

Yes


4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?

Yes

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?

we’d work it out.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

Yes, treat all kids the same

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.

Same! We were a bit younger (25 and 26) but we got nothing (except $2K from my parents towards our wedding). We paid off $75K in student loans and saved for our first house all on our own. Yes housing was cheaper then. But we also did things like routinely take our lunches and snacks to work. We budgeted for each eating lunch at work/out with colleagues 1-2 times per month. We only went out to eat for dinners 2-3 times per month and we didnt' bar hop/waste $$$ on alcohol. We drove older basic cars and our vacations were driving to somewhere 3-4 hours away for 4-5 days at most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.
What is a good job in this terrible job market?

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?
Yes. I would keep working to pay for grad school if need be. But not for other things.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?
What we would provide to our kids was mutually decided by both of us when the kids were little. Our primary aim was to fund our retirement and college (state) for both our kids. After these two - whatever additional help we could provide for our children - wedding, car - were due to some strokes of good luck. We did not jeopardise our own retirement or the kids colleges.

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?
Isn't this a function of what they can afford and what you can afford? I would pay for groceries and meals out for any house guest. For my ACs, I would also pay for air-tickets if I made more money than them.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?
No, not 100%. As they have started to make more money, they are able to pay for more things. My kids are also quite frugal and moneywise. But, right now - I would pay for housing, food, etc - because we make substantially more than them.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?
Absolutely reasonable to take your car, use your house to host their friends, use everything in your house as if they are your own children. If there is a schedule conflict (ie you need the car to go to work), of course then you take the car.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

YES. YES. When we say that we will pay 100% for college - it includes grad school, law school, medical school and MBA.

Professional grad school like MBA and law school is a choice and often a bad idea. We paid 100% for college and they are on their own for law school or an MBA…honestly they only reason they might pursue it is because it might be free if we agreed to pay but neither has any interest (or need for it).

Medical school is different though neither of my college kids have any interest so not really something to consider.

Would never pay for a PhD only because any PhD worth a shit is free (with a living stipend). My one kid may pursue a PhD in ML or robotics and assures me he will be hired by tech companies at astronomical salaries (at least $500k…probably more) to pursue research relevant to those companies.

[Anonymous]

Your adult kids are milking their parents.
Ick!

You and your husband need to reel that in before you’re left broke with nothing.