Returned Home with Some Disturbing Stories

[Anonymous]

I’m pp, she needs to hold the camp accountable for not calling her and not stopping it. At least her DD is expressing remorse. It sounds like the camp failed.

[Anonymous]

You need to hold off on anything until you talk to the director. You are assuming, based on what the child said, that she was just a by stander to this. I am would be livid if my child was a witness to a bullying incident and even more so if they were involved. A letter won’t do crap. It’s not meaningful because you are making her do it. Again, get the facts, report back to us 😀 and then we can help you out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would offer the family of the bullied girl to pay for group counseling so your own daughter can get it off her chest and the bullied girl can get the apologies. Offer to pay for whatever the therapist decides the victim needs before and after the apology therapy session.

Do not suggest that the victim be forced to spend another second with OP's daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m pp, she needs to hold the camp accountable for not calling her and not stopping it. At least her DD is expressing remorse. It sounds like the camp failed.

You don’t even know if it is true. The other girl may have left because she peed on herself and was embarrassed. Someone may have started a rumor that she left because she was bullied in order to scare the kids. Get the truth and then react.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m pp, she needs to hold the camp accountable for not calling her and not stopping it. At least her DD is expressing remorse. It sounds like the camp failed.

You don’t even know if it is true. The other girl may have left because she peed on herself and was embarrassed. Someone may have started a rumor that she left because she was bullied in order to scare the kids. Get the truth and then react.

That’s why i said to call and force their hand. Demand answers. In my own case, the director pushed it under the rug. OP can advocate for DD and transparency.

[Anonymous]

I was bullied in middle school. The person who bullied me called to apologize. Because her parents made her. It was rather insincere and I felt blindsided.

I would have preferred, and in this case, also recommend a written apology. If you are going to do it. Ask the camp to mail it.

[Anonymous]

I think there are a whole bunch of sanctimonious people on this thread — and none of us have 100% certainty of what our kids get up to. I don’t think my kid is a bully, she doesn’t have social media and I pretty much read all her texts to keep an eye on things. But I don’t actually know for sure what she gets up to at school.

Kids can be mean. Tweens and teens are figuring things out and sometimes they get it very wrong. It is a pretty good sign that your daughter has proactively disclosed this and feels remorseful. You definitely need to have some consequences. But, you also need to talk to her and help her work through ways in which she could handle this differently next time. Being an up-stander is harder than you think. Plenty of people on this thread probably have their own struggles with being an up-stander as an adult.

I have also seen that kids move past these things much faster than parents. My daughter was sort of stuck between two friends in fifth grade and one of them viciously turned on the other. There was all the “I wish you would kill yourself” kind of stuff. It was so horrible that in sixth grade, the parents of the bullied kid told her to never be within 10 feet of the bully at all costs. My kid stuck with her bullied friend, and the bully cussed my kid out for not inviting her to my kid’s birthday party in sixth grade. By the end of seventh grade, the bullied kid and the bully ran track together and are close friends. In fact, my kid, the bully and the bullied kid will all be at the bully’s birthday party next week. The bully and the bullied kid did slumber parties together during the school year. I’m totally shocked at the change. My kid is like “listen, we all got over it and moved on and this is for the best.”

What happened to this girl at camp is horrific. But at this point, your kid needs consequences and a lot of discussion about how to do better. She doesn’t need to be tarred and feathered or have to wear a scarlet B for the rest of her life.

And while cyberbullying and social media have made things worse, there was plenty of “I hate you and wish you would kill yourself” going around in the 80s, along with fat shaming, calling people the “r” word, using gay slurs, etc. This isnt some new thing with Gen Z and Gen Alpha. Tweens and teens have a lot to figure out and good parent guidance can help.

I now have a kid with profound intellectual disability. While I don’t think I ever bullied someone directly using the “r” word in the 80s, I am sure I used it casually to refer to situations and maybe people. I’m not proud of myself and wish I had done better. But I didn’t know better then. I certainly work hard now not to be a jerk as an adult. I didnt grow up to be a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

Don’t let strangers raise your children for you. That includes the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your daughter to befriend a quiet girl at school and invite her out to do something.

This will help empower her a bit.

Quiet kids don't need pity or community service friendships.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you raise her to be like this?

Loser parents breed lost children.

[Anonymous]

Ask your daughter just what she was thinking when participating. How is she going to feel if the girl follows through on the suggestion of killing herself? How is the girl's family going to feel?

No camp next year since that seems to be her concern.

Call the camp and find out why you weren't told. The bullies should have been sent home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask your daughter just what she was thinking when participating. How is she going to feel if the girl follows through on the suggestion of killing herself? How is the girl's family going to feel?

No camp next year since that seems to be her concern.

Call the camp and find out why you weren't told. The bullies should have been sent home.

Quoting myself. Our son was bullied to the point that he was suicidal. We had to watch him very carefully.

Do not let this slide. Your daughter and the others could be causing something horrific for another family.

[Anonymous]

Was this a Jewish camp? I ask because I saw someone in a Jewish moms group post about bullying at camp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter told another girl, to her face, that she’s fat and should off herself? This is truly disturbing and she needs a psych eval immediately. This goes well beyond girls will be girls. Your child needs serious help!

No, this does not go beyond what is normal. Children have been bullying other children for all of eternity unfortunately. It's part of being human. There will never be a time on earth when children don't bully other children, no matter how hard we try to teach them not to or how closely we supervise them. So make sure your DD knows she's not evil, too, OP. She has to decide which side she wants to be on. (Being good to others, obviously.)

I had friends who did this to another camper in our cabin. The effects on the other girl were major and lasted for years (probably a lifetime but I don't know what happened to her). The effect on my friend, the main bully, also lasted for years -- a lifetime, because I did keep in touch with her. This was not the only bullying she did. She was a bully throughout high school, too. She could get away with it because she was really cute and super popular. But as an adult, she was SO SO SO SO ashamed of her behavior. It really haunted her.

Tell your DD this will negatively affect her and her "friend" too (if it wasn't actually your DD who did the bullying). Tell her that the other girl will remember her forever, and that this will haunt your DD for the rest of her life and she needs to never do it again -- for her own good. The rest -- the compassion for the victim and maturity and understanding of social dynamics and regret -- will come with time. But also tell her she's not a monster. Sorry to all those who think otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter told another girl, to her face, that she’s fat and should off herself? This is truly disturbing and she needs a psych eval immediately. This goes well beyond girls will be girls. Your child needs serious help!

No, this does not go beyond what is normal. Children have been bullying other children for all of eternity unfortunately. It's part of being human. There will never be a time on earth when children don't bully other children, no matter how hard we try to teach them not to or how closely we supervise them. So make sure your DD knows she's not evil, too, OP. She has to decide which side she wants to be on. (Being good to others, obviously.)

I had friends who did this to another camper in our cabin. The effects on the other girl were major and lasted for years (probably a lifetime but I don't know what happened to her). The effect on my friend, the main bully, also lasted for years -- a lifetime, because I did keep in touch with her. This was not the only bullying she did. She was a bully throughout high school, too. She could get away with it because she was really cute and super popular. But as an adult, she was SO SO SO SO ashamed of her behavior. It really haunted her.

Tell your DD this will negatively affect her and her "friend" too (if it wasn't actually your DD who did the bullying). Tell her that the other girl will remember her forever, and that this will haunt your DD for the rest of her life and she needs to never do it again -- for her own good. The rest -- the compassion for the victim and maturity and understanding of social dynamics and regret -- will come with time. But also tell her she's not a monster. Sorry to all those who think otherwise.

Stop minimizing this low class horrendous behavior! You are the reason girls think this is ok.