Fighting about husband's inability to handle our kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband really struggles with our younger kid (age 4, very sensitive).

Since she was born, we've usually divided and conquered - he takes care of the older one, and I'm with the younger one. Or I'd have them both, as he was working more. (They are both in school/daycare, so this is for evenings and weekends). 

I've gotten really exhausted by this setup, as our preschooler easily veers into loss of control. She may be over-excited playing with her sister or reluctant to do the next step of her morning routine - within seconds she is wildly running and laughing and yelling, and before long it's a full-blown tantrum where she may scream and hit. We've talked to a therapist and are trying to work on it, but it's a lot of work supporting her and teaching her emotion regulation skills and we're both tired and dealing with a lot of responsibilities so it's hard. 

Anyway, I am working more now and my husband is working less, so he is willing to step up more. But he is terrible at preventing the tantrums. It's not something I can easily teach him, because it just requires being "on" and watching her emotions and redirecting or addressing them if they start bubbling up. He gets overwhelmed by how quickly it goes from normal to out of control. He's also not good at multitasking, like making breakfast while also watching her.

When he is responsible for the kids, there are often tantrums that I hear through the walls, no matter where I go in the house. I get extremely shaken up and hopeless when I hear this. It makes me feel like I can never ever have a break, like I have a messed up kid, like my husband is a terrible parent. I work so hard to minimize the tantrums, and as soon as I pass her off, it's ruined. Plus, if she tantrums in the morning, the entire day can be off. 

We've been fighting about this, he says I just need to stay away until he calls for my help (if it gets really bad). I say that I can't just sit there while she is laughing, screaming, and defying him, and by that point, it's all gone to shit anyway, and he needs to prevent it from happening. The visual of him overwhelmed and frustrated and not in control of the situation is just too much for me to ignore. 

We'll have a good week and then I'm just so exhausted and need him to watch them and immediately a tantrum happens and I can't get a break. Is there any way out of this?

Dump him. You deserve a better father for your kids. Keep looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let your husband figure out his way to handle this child who’s having contacts meltdowns.

Also, your husband needs to fully handle when he’s on duty - no calling for help as if this child isn’t his.

Your way isn’t the only or best way.

It sounds like the husband doesn’t actually want help but knows OP is dying to step. The fact he is telling you to let him handle it and not tapping out or asking OP to step in is huge and shows a lot of promise for his ability to improve.

OP needs to find a place to work outside of the house and to back off in a big way. What she is doing is not helping the situation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the 4-year old well behaved in preschool?

OP here. The 4-year-old is well-behaved everywhere but at home. Preschool, grandparents, babysitters. She is still spirited and emotional, but very manageable. Her teachers and our date night babysitter were shocked when I was mentioning going to a therapist with her.

I do think a lot about if there's something truly off with her besides just being a very emotional kid, which absolutely runs in the family...and if so, what kind of therapy would really help. The thing is none of it really comes up in the therapist's office, she's an angel there.

If she is an angel at therapy and well behaved for the sitter and teacher, then it's a you problem.
Look at how you parent - you may have allowed what, in the past, would have been called a "spoiled brat"
She knows that you will bend over backwards to her every whim - and her ammunition is a full blown meltdown.
Therapy is needed - but likely for you and DH to understand how to set limits and put a stop to her being the emotional regulator for the family.

Lol. NP. This is spoken like someone who knows less than nothing about children, development, psychology, or parenting.

PP, if your kid is a disaster at school and an angel for you, it’s because your child is scared of you and you are not a source of support for them. OP’s experience is normal and a sign that her kid feels safe at home.

… or it’s a sign that home is unstructured and chaotic and school is more predictable and stimulating.

pro tip - a child does not have wild tantrums at home because they “feel safe.”

Yes they can. Don’t double down on ignorance.

No they really do not. I know this is a “just so” story people like to tell themselves - but no, horrible behavior at home is not a sign that they “feel safe.” It is a sign that either something is chaotic at home; or that there are no consequences for the behavior at home; or that behavior is better at school only temporarily.

I’ve seen it happen before and it was because the mom tolerated absolutely horrible behavior (hitting, sweating, biting) from an older kid and expressly stated that she did not believe in disciple.

[Anonymous]

The kid hold it together outside of the home and then falls apart at home. The parent falls apart after the kid.
Nobody sees a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the 4-year old well behaved in preschool?

OP here. The 4-year-old is well-behaved everywhere but at home. Preschool, grandparents, babysitters. She is still spirited and emotional, but very manageable. Her teachers and our date night babysitter were shocked when I was mentioning going to a therapist with her.

I do think a lot about if there's something truly off with her besides just being a very emotional kid, which absolutely runs in the family...and if so, what kind of therapy would really help. The thing is none of it really comes up in the therapist's office, she's an angel there.

If she is an angel at therapy and well behaved for the sitter and teacher, then it's a you problem.
Look at how you parent - you may have allowed what, in the past, would have been called a "spoiled brat"
She knows that you will bend over backwards to her every whim - and her ammunition is a full blown meltdown.
Therapy is needed - but likely for you and DH to understand how to set limits and put a stop to her being the emotional regulator for the family.

Lol. NP. This is spoken like someone who knows less than nothing about children, development, psychology, or parenting.

PP, if your kid is a disaster at school and an angel for you, it’s because your child is scared of you and you are not a source of support for them. OP’s experience is normal and a sign that her kid feels safe at home.

… or it’s a sign that home is unstructured and chaotic and school is more predictable and stimulating.

pro tip - a child does not have wild tantrums at home because they “feel safe.”

This. Child is acting out conflict between parents or lack of boundaries and consistency at home.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the "let your husband handle it" advice, which is very outdated. We know now that "cry it out" doesnt work and kids do indeed need to be comforted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the 4-year old well behaved in preschool?

OP here. The 4-year-old is well-behaved everywhere but at home. Preschool, grandparents, babysitters. She is still spirited and emotional, but very manageable. Her teachers and our date night babysitter were shocked when I was mentioning going to a therapist with her.

I do think a lot about if there's something truly off with her besides just being a very emotional kid, which absolutely runs in the family...and if so, what kind of therapy would really help. The thing is none of it really comes up in the therapist's office, she's an angel there.

If she is an angel at therapy and well behaved for the sitter and teacher, then it's a you problem.
Look at how you parent - you may have allowed what, in the past, would have been called a "spoiled brat"
She knows that you will bend over backwards to her every whim - and her ammunition is a full blown meltdown.
Therapy is needed - but likely for you and DH to understand how to set limits and put a stop to her being the emotional regulator for the family.

Lol. NP. This is spoken like someone who knows less than nothing about children, development, psychology, or parenting.

PP, if your kid is a disaster at school and an angel for you, it’s because your child is scared of you and you are not a source of support for them. OP’s experience is normal and a sign that her kid feels safe at home.

… or it’s a sign that home is unstructured and chaotic and school is more predictable and stimulating.

pro tip - a child does not have wild tantrums at home because they “feel safe.”

Yes they can. Don’t double down on ignorance.

No they really do not. I know this is a “just so” story people like to tell themselves - but no, horrible behavior at home is not a sign that they “feel safe.” It is a sign that either something is chaotic at home; or that there are no consequences for the behavior at home; or that behavior is better at school only temporarily.

I’ve seen it happen before and it was because the mom tolerated absolutely horrible behavior (hitting, sweating, biting) from an older kid and expressly stated that she did not believe in disciple.

LOL! You’ve seen one case and think you’re an expert on all kids. Typical ignorant 🤡

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the "let your husband handle it" advice, which is very outdated. We know now that "cry it out" doesnt work and kids do indeed need to be comforted.

What a pathetic trope. Just because he's not doing it her way doesn't mean he's neglecting the kid. Good lord. Some of y'all think you have all the answers, but when it comes to children, there are usually several ways to success. This black and white thinking is its own problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the "let your husband handle it" advice, which is very outdated. We know now that "cry it out" doesnt work and kids do indeed need to be comforted.

What a pathetic trope. Just because he's not doing it her way doesn't mean he's neglecting the kid. Good lord. Some of y'all think you have all the answers, but when it comes to children, there are usually several ways to success. This black and white thinking is its own problem.

Hes obviously not good with the kid if shes crying all the time. Hello!! 🤡🤡🤡

[Anonymous]

OP, I was use a few years ago. there can be so many things going on but the bottom line is you need more, different help. For us it was parent training (I had to beg, cry and bargain to get my husband to do it and it was $$) but it was so worth it for us to be on the same page. It made a huge difference relatively quickly. You may learn you are accommodating more than you think.

Even still, at these very young ages, for certain kids, including mine, if a parent can’t stay calm nothing will work. Kids co-regulate with their parents and when a parent is escalating it’s very challenging to the child to be calmer than their parent. And my husband just couldn’t do it in some situations and for very extended periods of time. He did do some therapy for himself and that helped but it sort of wears off and he hasn’t been back though he’s still better than he was. So I am very mommy tracked and while my husband certainly can watch our kids it’s not the best thing for our family for him to be the primary caregiver (nor does he want to). It is what it is. I would seriously take a big step back and think if this is worth it to you.

Also if you catch yourself spiraling remember this is not forever. Things are very different at 10 than at 4. Do what you need to do now. And please don’t forget the toll these awful meltdowns take on your other child. They will survive but it’s really hard on them. Make sure you are giving them special attention other times and being open to hearing what they are experiencing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the 4-year old well behaved in preschool?

OP here. The 4-year-old is well-behaved everywhere but at home. Preschool, grandparents, babysitters. She is still spirited and emotional, but very manageable. Her teachers and our date night babysitter were shocked when I was mentioning going to a therapist with her.

I do think a lot about if there's something truly off with her besides just being a very emotional kid, which absolutely runs in the family...and if so, what kind of therapy would really help. The thing is none of it really comes up in the therapist's office, she's an angel there.

If she is an angel at therapy and well behaved for the sitter and teacher, then it's a you problem.
Look at how you parent - you may have allowed what, in the past, would have been called a "spoiled brat"
She knows that you will bend over backwards to her every whim - and her ammunition is a full blown meltdown.
Therapy is needed - but likely for you and DH to understand how to set limits and put a stop to her being the emotional regulator for the family.

Lol. NP. This is spoken like someone who knows less than nothing about children, development, psychology, or parenting.

PP, if your kid is a disaster at school and an angel for you, it’s because your child is scared of you and you are not a source of support for them. OP’s experience is normal and a sign that her kid feels safe at home.

… or it’s a sign that home is unstructured and chaotic and school is more predictable and stimulating.

pro tip - a child does not have wild tantrums at home because they “feel safe.”

Yes they can. Don’t double down on ignorance.

No they really do not. I know this is a “just so” story people like to tell themselves - but no, horrible behavior at home is not a sign that they “feel safe.” It is a sign that either something is chaotic at home; or that there are no consequences for the behavior at home; or that behavior is better at school only temporarily.

I’ve seen it happen before and it was because the mom tolerated absolutely horrible behavior (hitting, sweating, biting) from an older kid and expressly stated that she did not believe in disciple.

LOL! You’ve seen one case and think you’re an expert on all kids. Typical ignorant 🤡

And you’re an expert on all kids? Ok ../

No actual expert would address behavioral issues at home as “oh don’t worry, she just feels SAFE with you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the "let your husband handle it" advice, which is very outdated. We know now that "cry it out" doesnt work and kids do indeed need to be comforted.

What a pathetic trope. Just because he's not doing it her way doesn't mean he's neglecting the kid. Good lord. Some of y'all think you have all the answers, but when it comes to children, there are usually several ways to success. This black and white thinking is its own problem.

Hes obviously not good with the kid if shes crying all the time. Hello!! 🤡🤡🤡

Ignoring the tantrum instead of endlessly accomodating the child so they don’t cry is a very valid and probably better approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the 4-year old well behaved in preschool?

OP here. The 4-year-old is well-behaved everywhere but at home. Preschool, grandparents, babysitters. She is still spirited and emotional, but very manageable. Her teachers and our date night babysitter were shocked when I was mentioning going to a therapist with her.

I do think a lot about if there's something truly off with her besides just being a very emotional kid, which absolutely runs in the family...and if so, what kind of therapy would really help. The thing is none of it really comes up in the therapist's office, she's an angel there.

If she is an angel at therapy and well behaved for the sitter and teacher, then it's a you problem.
Look at how you parent - you may have allowed what, in the past, would have been called a "spoiled brat"
She knows that you will bend over backwards to her every whim - and her ammunition is a full blown meltdown.
Therapy is needed - but likely for you and DH to understand how to set limits and put a stop to her being the emotional regulator for the family.

Lol. NP. This is spoken like someone who knows less than nothing about children, development, psychology, or parenting.

PP, if your kid is a disaster at school and an angel for you, it’s because your child is scared of you and you are not a source of support for them. OP’s experience is normal and a sign that her kid feels safe at home.

… or it’s a sign that home is unstructured and chaotic and school is more predictable and stimulating.

pro tip - a child does not have wild tantrums at home because they “feel safe.”

Yes they can. Don’t double down on ignorance.

No they really do not. I know this is a “just so” story people like to tell themselves - but no, horrible behavior at home is not a sign that they “feel safe.” It is a sign that either something is chaotic at home; or that there are no consequences for the behavior at home; or that behavior is better at school only temporarily.

I’ve seen it happen before and it was because the mom tolerated absolutely horrible behavior (hitting, sweating, biting) from an older kid and expressly stated that she did not believe in disciple.

LOL! You’ve seen one case and think you’re an expert on all kids. Typical ignorant 🤡

And you’re an expert on all kids? Ok ../

No actual expert would address behavioral issues at home as “oh don’t worry, she just feels SAFE with you.”

Exactly.ppjust read a feel good post on a mommy blog and ran with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the "let your husband handle it" advice, which is very outdated. We know now that "cry it out" doesnt work and kids do indeed need to be comforted.

What a pathetic trope. Just because he's not doing it her way doesn't mean he's neglecting the kid. Good lord. Some of y'all think you have all the answers, but when it comes to children, there are usually several ways to success. This black and white thinking is its own problem.

Amen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was use a few years ago. there can be so many things going on but the bottom line is you need more, different help. For us it was parent training (I had to beg, cry and bargain to get my husband to do it and it was $$) but it was so worth it for us to be on the same page. It made a huge difference relatively quickly. You may learn you are accommodating more than you think.

Even still, at these very young ages, for certain kids, including mine, if a parent can’t stay calm nothing will work. Kids co-regulate with their parents and when a parent is escalating it’s very challenging to the child to be calmer than their parent. And my husband just couldn’t do it in some situations and for very extended periods of time. He did do some therapy for himself and that helped but it sort of wears off and he hasn’t been back though he’s still better than he was. So I am very mommy tracked and while my husband certainly can watch our kids it’s not the best thing for our family for him to be the primary caregiver (nor does he want to). It is what it is. I would seriously take a big step back and think if this is worth it to you.

Also if you catch yourself spiraling remember this is not forever. Things are very different at 10 than at 4. Do what you need to do now. And please don’t forget the toll these awful meltdowns take on your other child. They will survive but it’s really hard on them. Make sure you are giving them special attention other times and being open to hearing what they are experiencing.

hopefully you got a post-nup.

I’ll take you at your word, but I do think that some women are just unreasonably triggered by their husbands showing any emotion towards the kids. Sometimes it is OK for kids to realize they cannot push adults around. It’s not the end of the world to be yelled at or told “no” sternly.