Fighting about husband's inability to handle our kid

[Anonymous]

1) Sounds like the apple may not have fallen far from the tree. They both get easily overwhelmed and frustrated, no?

2) Sounds like you are headed for a neuropsych for your DC. That much volatility is unusual for age 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband really struggles with our younger kid (age 4, very sensitive).

Since she was born, we've usually divided and conquered - he takes care of the older one, and I'm with the younger one. Or I'd have them both, as he was working more. (They are both in school/daycare, so this is for evenings and weekends). 

I've gotten really exhausted by this setup, as our preschooler easily veers into loss of control. She may be over-excited playing with her sister or reluctant to do the next step of her morning routine - within seconds she is wildly running and laughing and yelling, and before long it's a full-blown tantrum where she may scream and hit. We've talked to a therapist and are trying to work on it, but it's a lot of work supporting her and teaching her emotion regulation skills and we're both tired and dealing with a lot of responsibilities so it's hard. 

Anyway, I am working more now and my husband is working less, so he is willing to step up more. But he is terrible at preventing the tantrums. It's not something I can easily teach him, because it just requires being "on" and watching her emotions and redirecting or addressing them if they start bubbling up. He gets overwhelmed by how quickly it goes from normal to out of control. He's also not good at multitasking, like making breakfast while also watching her.

When he is responsible for the kids, there are often tantrums that I hear through the walls, no matter where I go in the house. I get extremely shaken up and hopeless when I hear this. It makes me feel like I can never ever have a break, like I have a messed up kid, like my husband is a terrible parent. I work so hard to minimize the tantrums, and as soon as I pass her off, it's ruined. Plus, if she tantrums in the morning, the entire day can be off. 

We've been fighting about this, he says I just need to stay away until he calls for my help (if it gets really bad). I say that I can't just sit there while she is laughing, screaming, and defying him, and by that point, it's all gone to shit anyway, and he needs to prevent it from happening. The visual of him overwhelmed and frustrated and not in control of the situation is just too much for me to ignore. 

We'll have a good week and then I'm just so exhausted and need him to watch them and immediately a tantrum happens and I can't get a break. Is there any way out of this?

You’re really Type A and controlling, aincha? That’s what I take away from this.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need an autism evaluation for your daughter immediately. Walking on eggshells like this means there’s an issue. Avoiding it, not helpful. Get PCIT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Sounds like the apple may not have fallen far from the tree. They both get easily overwhelmed and frustrated, no?

2) Sounds like you are headed for a neuropsych for your DC. That much volatility is unusual for age 4.

This was my ADHD 4 year old. And my DH has been plodding along not understanding that he needs to do some really hard work if he’s going to be able to parent this kid. It’s hard. But it’s necessary.

I don’t really agree that you just need to let him “figure it out” if he’s not highly emotionally intelligent. It may damage your kid and their relationship if he can’t “figure it out” fast enough. If kid gets continually dysregulated it only compounds. You may think tantrum is over, boom they’re regulated. But they may be *just* under control but stressed and have a much lower threshold for stress before they meltdown again. Same is prob true for your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Sounds like the apple may not have fallen far from the tree. They both get easily overwhelmed and frustrated, no?

2) Sounds like you are headed for a neuropsych for your DC. That much volatility is unusual for age 4.

This was my ADHD 4 year old. And my DH has been plodding along not understanding that he needs to do some really hard work if he’s going to be able to parent this kid. It’s hard. But it’s necessary.

I don’t really agree that you just need to let him “figure it out” if he’s not highly emotionally intelligent. It may damage your kid and their relationship if he can’t “figure it out” fast enough. If kid gets continually dysregulated it only compounds. You may think tantrum is over, boom they’re regulated. But they may be *just* under control but stressed and have a much lower threshold for stress before they meltdown again. Same is prob true for your spouse.

Really, I thought the daughter seemed much more like the mother. OP is the one who is unable to handle any bit of distress.

And as for stepping in to regulate your kid, this is where the professionals matter. I don’t know whether or not OP’s approach is the right one for the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the 4-year old well behaved in preschool?

OP here. The 4-year-old is well-behaved everywhere but at home. Preschool, grandparents, babysitters. She is still spirited and emotional, but very manageable. Her teachers and our date night babysitter were shocked when I was mentioning going to a therapist with her.

I do think a lot about if there's something truly off with her besides just being a very emotional kid, which absolutely runs in the family...and if so, what kind of therapy would really help. The thing is none of it really comes up in the therapist's office, she's an angel there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the 4-year old well behaved in preschool?

OP here. The 4-year-old is well-behaved everywhere but at home. Preschool, grandparents, babysitters. She is still spirited and emotional, but very manageable. Her teachers and our date night babysitter were shocked when I was mentioning going to a therapist with her.

I do think a lot about if there's something truly off with her besides just being a very emotional kid, which absolutely runs in the family...and if so, what kind of therapy would really help. The thing is none of it really comes up in the therapist's office, she's an angel there.

I’m not saying this is your kid, but this behavior is not uncommon in kids that end up being diagnosed with some kind of needs. They are able to hold it together in a public setting and then melt down at home from the stress of it all, since it’s their safe space. It might be worthwhile to schedule a behavioral assessment, so that you can get her the appropriate help if it is needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the 4-year old well behaved in preschool?

OP here. The 4-year-old is well-behaved everywhere but at home. Preschool, grandparents, babysitters. She is still spirited and emotional, but very manageable. Her teachers and our date night babysitter were shocked when I was mentioning going to a therapist with her.

I do think a lot about if there's something truly off with her besides just being a very emotional kid, which absolutely runs in the family...and if so, what kind of therapy would really help. The thing is none of it really comes up in the therapist's office, she's an angel there.

So are most hfa and adhd kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is hard, but I think you have to let your husband handle it. That means if he doesn't prevent the tantrum, then he deals with the tantrum. You can't swoop in to calm things done. I know that's hard because you don't want anyone distressed, but he has to be able to learn and do things his way.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the 4-year old well behaved in preschool?

OP here. The 4-year-old is well-behaved everywhere but at home. Preschool, grandparents, babysitters. She is still spirited and emotional, but very manageable. Her teachers and our date night babysitter were shocked when I was mentioning going to a therapist with her.

I do think a lot about if there's something truly off with her besides just being a very emotional kid, which absolutely runs in the family...and if so, what kind of therapy would really help. The thing is none of it really comes up in the therapist's office, she's an angel there.

I’m not saying this is your kid, but this behavior is not uncommon in kids that end up being diagnosed with some kind of needs. They are able to hold it together in a public setting and then melt down at home from the stress of it all, since it’s their safe space. It might be worthwhile to schedule a behavioral assessment, so that you can get her the appropriate help if it is needed.

Sometimes. I realize the safe space mantra has become popular online as has diagnosing everyone bas neurodivergent which if even is neurodivergent. But alot of the time is the kid has figured out how to work mom and dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may be over-excited playing with her sister or reluctant to do the next step of her morning routine - within seconds she is wildly running and laughing and yelling, and before long it's a full-blown tantrum where she may scream and hit. We've talked to a therapist and are trying to work on it, but it's a lot of work supporting her and teaching her emotion regulation skills and we're both tired and dealing with a lot of responsibilities so it's hard. 

Anyway, I am working more now and my husband is working less, so he is willing to step up more. But he is terrible at preventing the tantrums. It's not something I can easily teach him, because it just requires being "on" and watching her emotions and redirecting or addressing them if they start bubbling up. He gets overwhelmed by how quickly it goes from normal to out of control. He's also not good at multitasking, like making breakfast while also watching her.

Some of parenting is a skill that can be developed. Would your DH be willing to take a class?

Parent Child Journey with Dan Shapiro https://www.parentchildjourney.com/journey/#634
PEP (Parent Encouragement Program) https://pepparent.org

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the 4-year old well behaved in preschool?

OP here. The 4-year-old is well-behaved everywhere but at home. Preschool, grandparents, babysitters. She is still spirited and emotional, but very manageable. Her teachers and our date night babysitter were shocked when I was mentioning going to a therapist with her.

I do think a lot about if there's something truly off with her besides just being a very emotional kid, which absolutely runs in the family...and if so, what kind of therapy would really help. The thing is none of it really comes up in the therapist's office, she's an angel there.

I’m not saying this is your kid, but this behavior is not uncommon in kids that end up being diagnosed with some kind of needs. They are able to hold it together in a public setting and then melt down at home from the stress of it all, since it’s their safe space. It might be worthwhile to schedule a behavioral assessment, so that you can get her the appropriate help if it is needed.

Sometimes. I realize the safe space mantra has become popular online as has diagnosing everyone bas neurodivergent which if even is neurodivergent. But alot of the time is the kid has figured out how to work mom and dad.

That’s not a thing at 4. You sound like a parent in major denial. Kids do well if they can. This kid can’t. The parents job is to figure out why. It’s not a “safe space mantra” you weird Fox News sound biter. Kids aren’t this manipulative and “a lot of the time” based on… tour as$? Nobody cares.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound controlling. You want help, you ask for it but because he is not helping how you would do it, you complain. You daughter is showing off with you and with dad. Most likely there is no consistency. Consistency does not mean that he agrees with everything you say. You both need to agree and then follow through. If you truly need peace when you ask for help then leave. Sit in your car. You can't rescue her every single time. He has no opportunity to know his daughter and learn the triggers. We are not here to diagnosis your child but if you are truly concerned then speak to your therapist.

[Anonymous]

With a child this age, I would attempt a Janet Lansbury-style approach where you set and hold boundaries, but *welcome* the tantrums and all feelings. Over time this can neutralize the tension on all sides. Obviously you still set up your child for success with nutrition, sleep, downtime, etc. but you don't walk on eggshells to prevent an outburst—ever. It's challenging at first but has worked very well with my sensitive kids. It may require limiting her outings and extras for some time while you practice

[Anonymous]

He is right, I know it’s hard to listen to but at least he’s putting in the effort.
Are you consistent with each other in your parenting? I think you need to make sure you have the same basic rules with both kids as far as expected behavior and consequences.