Fighting about husband's inability to handle our kid

[Anonymous]

1, 2, 3 Magic works like magic. It corrects parental behavior and teaches parents how to act to explain, reassure, and inform kids.
It is a most wonderful book.
It worked so well that all the horrible tantrums my then two and four-year-olds had stopped within three days.
It taught me so much and showed me that I was not understanding kids' perspectives, and I was acting like a drill sergeant rather than a parent.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My husband and I decided to try a parenting class together.

We are really confused by one thing - whenever we have researched this before, we do see this debate that came up in the thread here as well: "Your kid keeps it together at school and acts out at home because home is a safe space, so she needs comfort/empathy/support to learn skills" OR "Your kid only acts out at home because you're shit parents who don't discipline."

These are polar opposites, so which is it???

FWIW, she does get both love AND consequences, minimal screens and junk food, and sleep. However, unlike school, our life is not very predictable, each day is a little is different, our work hours change, we have different social plans, errands, house projects, etc. Same lifestyle and parenting worked fine for the older kid, so I don't think either of us are crap parents. We just got a very hard kid after an easy one and are taking it out on each other. Just bad luck.

[Anonymous]

Some kids need structure, op, no chaos. Don't blame the kid for not being able to offer structure. A kid is not luggage to go along with your daily mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband and I decided to try a parenting class together.

We are really confused by one thing - whenever we have researched this before, we do see this debate that came up in the thread here as well: "Your kid keeps it together at school and acts out at home because home is a safe space, so she needs comfort/empathy/support to learn skills" OR "Your kid only acts out at home because you're shit parents who don't discipline."

These are polar opposites, so which is it???

FWIW, she does get both love AND consequences, minimal screens and junk food, and sleep. However, unlike school, our life is not very predictable, each day is a little is different, our work hours change, we have different social plans, errands, house projects, etc. Same lifestyle and parenting worked fine for the older kid, so I don't think either of us are crap parents. We just got a very hard kid after an easy one and are taking it out on each other. Just bad luck.

Don’t take parenting advice from blogs.

having dealt with behavioral issues (with a behavioral psychologist’s help) I can say that the answer is much closer to “parents lack discipline skills.” I discovered pretty quickly that I lacked a lot of skills.

[Anonymous]

We have two kids too OP. The older is typical oldest daughter. Always behaved, never tantrums and even around 3-4 was pretty chill. Also very verbal and we explained and she got it. Our lives were also just easier with one and lots of structure. We patted ourselves on the back. Second came and she's an entirely different person. Stubborn, clever, guilt does not work on her. She is amazing but different and also was just not that verbal for a long time. We had to readjust how we parent her. A lot more structure, explaining what we have going on for the week at the beginning, setting schedules, NOT messing with dinner times etc etc. Kids are 5 and 9 and we have made it through to the other side. And now stuff comes up but it's manageable. (Before we descend into tween/teen issues). A lot of it was us, how we parent the kids, what we expect and how we don't always tell them what we expect. It's better now and we are on the same page. Both our kids thrive with a lot of routine so we are not as spontaneous. They have no behavior problems at school because they do hold it in for authority figures. Little one still melts at home but it's contained and she recognizes when she's tired, hungry, just done with people. She will put herself to bed or into her room to take a break from the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband and I decided to try a parenting class together.

We are really confused by one thing - whenever we have researched this before, we do see this debate that came up in the thread here as well: "Your kid keeps it together at school and acts out at home because home is a safe space, so she needs comfort/empathy/support to learn skills" OR "Your kid only acts out at home because you're shit parents who don't discipline."

These are polar opposites, so which is it???

FWIW, she does get both love AND consequences, minimal screens and junk food, and sleep. However, unlike school, our life is not very predictable, each day is a little is different, our work hours change, we have different social plans, errands, house projects, etc. Same lifestyle and parenting worked fine for the older kid, so I don't think either of us are crap parents. We just got a very hard kid after an easy one and are taking it out on each other. Just bad luck.

It’s not that one take is always correct and the other is always wrong; different things are going on with different children in different families in different households. Some kids hold it together at school and then the dam breaks when they get home to mom or dad. Other kids misbehave at home because of what’s going on there. Sometimes it’s a mix of both. No one posting here has more insight into your child and your dynamic at home than you do.

One bonus of having your child evaluated is that you will receive parenting suggestions and resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was use a few years ago. there can be so many things going on but the bottom line is you need more, different help. For us it was parent training (I had to beg, cry and bargain to get my husband to do it and it was $$) but it was so worth it for us to be on the same page. It made a huge difference relatively quickly. You may learn you are accommodating more than you think.

Even still, at these very young ages, for certain kids, including mine, if a parent can’t stay calm nothing will work. Kids co-regulate with their parents and when a parent is escalating it’s very challenging to the child to be calmer than their parent. And my husband just couldn’t do it in some situations and for very extended periods of time. He did do some therapy for himself and that helped but it sort of wears off and he hasn’t been back though he’s still better than he was. So I am very mommy tracked and while my husband certainly can watch our kids it’s not the best thing for our family for him to be the primary caregiver (nor does he want to). It is what it is. I would seriously take a big step back and think if this is worth it to you.

Also if you catch yourself spiraling remember this is not forever. Things are very different at 10 than at 4. Do what you need to do now. And please don’t forget the toll these awful meltdowns take on your other child. They will survive but it’s really hard on them. Make sure you are giving them special attention other times and being open to hearing what they are experiencing.

hopefully you got a post-nup.

I’ll take you at your word, but I do think that some women are just unreasonably triggered by their husbands showing any emotion towards the kids. Sometimes it is OK for kids to realize they cannot push adults around. It’s not the end of the world to be yelled at or told “no” sternly.

I am the PP you are responding to and it’s not the end of the world to be yelled at but for my one child (who was eventually diagnosed with SN) it does not work. The kid will yell back. It turns into a fight, and my child would hit, bite and destroy things. The same child responds very well to the techniques we agreed upon with our parent training coach. If I end up divorced I can live on my mommy tracked salary with no regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some kids need structure, op, no chaos. Don't blame the kid for not being able to offer structure. A kid is not luggage to go along with your daily mess.

OP here. Fair point, but a kid also isn't in charge of our family and it doesn't seem right to design our lives around her? Like where is that balance? We are already very strict with bedtime (7PM, which really messes with evening plans -- most other families with kids seem to be able to keep them up late without all hell breaking loose).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was use a few years ago. there can be so many things going on but the bottom line is you need more, different help. For us it was parent training (I had to beg, cry and bargain to get my husband to do it and it was $$) but it was so worth it for us to be on the same page. It made a huge difference relatively quickly. You may learn you are accommodating more than you think.

Even still, at these very young ages, for certain kids, including mine, if a parent can’t stay calm nothing will work. Kids co-regulate with their parents and when a parent is escalating it’s very challenging to the child to be calmer than their parent. And my husband just couldn’t do it in some situations and for very extended periods of time. He did do some therapy for himself and that helped but it sort of wears off and he hasn’t been back though he’s still better than he was. So I am very mommy tracked and while my husband certainly can watch our kids it’s not the best thing for our family for him to be the primary caregiver (nor does he want to). It is what it is. I would seriously take a big step back and think if this is worth it to you.

Also if you catch yourself spiraling remember this is not forever. Things are very different at 10 than at 4. Do what you need to do now. And please don’t forget the toll these awful meltdowns take on your other child. They will survive but it’s really hard on them. Make sure you are giving them special attention other times and being open to hearing what they are experiencing.

hopefully you got a post-nup.

I’ll take you at your word, but I do think that some women are just unreasonably triggered by their husbands showing any emotion towards the kids. Sometimes it is OK for kids to realize they cannot push adults around. It’s not the end of the world to be yelled at or told “no” sternly.

I am the PP you are responding to and it’s not the end of the world to be yelled at but for my one child (who was eventually diagnosed with SN) it does not work. The kid will yell back. It turns into a fight, and my child would hit, bite and destroy things. The same child responds very well to the techniques we agreed upon with our parent training coach. If I end up divorced I can live on my mommy tracked salary with no regrets.

Can you share more about the coach and the general approach that worked for you? Your situation sounds exactly like ours. DH and I are both very open to classes, coaching, training, etc, but not sure where to turn.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your kid is fine everywhere else, the problem is more likely due other the home environment. Yes, she might be anxious but even then anxious kids tend to have some signs of distress in other settings. She certainly doesn't have ADHD or Autism.

Glad to hear you and your husband are attending parenting classes. I hope the classes help. Just being on the same page, establishing a routine, etc can be really helpful in reducing problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some kids need structure, op, no chaos. Don't blame the kid for not being able to offer structure. A kid is not luggage to go along with your daily mess.

OP here. Fair point, but a kid also isn't in charge of our family and it doesn't seem right to design our lives around her? Like where is that balance? We are already very strict with bedtime (7PM, which really messes with evening plans -- most other families with kids seem to be able to keep them up late without all hell breaking loose).

You need to understand that you, the adults, must make a plan for the whole family including each kid. That isn't letting her be in charge. You're not just giving her whatever she wants and letting her make decisions in the moment. You're planning a schedule that works for her, and holding her to it even when she wouldn't choose it for herself. She's not in charge just because you're planning appropriate to her needs.

Yes, other kids are more flexible/need less sleep/don't need strict routines. But so what? You have the kid you have, and she needs what she needs. No, it isn't fair. But you get what you get.

Or you can keep doing your schedule how you're doing it now, and she'll keep acting how she's acting. Your choice. Accept that what you choose has a consequence for her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some kids need structure, op, no chaos. Don't blame the kid for not being able to offer structure. A kid is not luggage to go along with your daily mess.

OP here. Fair point, but a kid also isn't in charge of our family and it doesn't seem right to design our lives around her? Like where is that balance? We are already very strict with bedtime (7PM, which really messes with evening plans -- most other families with kids seem to be able to keep them up late without all hell breaking loose).

Seems to me, kid is an inconvenience to you. Why did you become a parent?

[Anonymous]

Kid is running her social evening plans! What horror.

[Anonymous]

Ruining her plans. Seems you and your husband are the problem. Your kid is not a sack of potatoes to be thrown around.
I dislike parents who are incapable of acting responsibly towards their kids.
Your kid is not the problem; you and your DH are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was use a few years ago. there can be so many things going on but the bottom line is you need more, different help. For us it was parent training (I had to beg, cry and bargain to get my husband to do it and it was $$) but it was so worth it for us to be on the same page. It made a huge difference relatively quickly. You may learn you are accommodating more than you think.

Even still, at these very young ages, for certain kids, including mine, if a parent can’t stay calm nothing will work. Kids co-regulate with their parents and when a parent is escalating it’s very challenging to the child to be calmer than their parent. And my husband just couldn’t do it in some situations and for very extended periods of time. He did do some therapy for himself and that helped but it sort of wears off and he hasn’t been back though he’s still better than he was. So I am very mommy tracked and while my husband certainly can watch our kids it’s not the best thing for our family for him to be the primary caregiver (nor does he want to). It is what it is. I would seriously take a big step back and think if this is worth it to you.

Also if you catch yourself spiraling remember this is not forever. Things are very different at 10 than at 4. Do what you need to do now. And please don’t forget the toll these awful meltdowns take on your other child. They will survive but it’s really hard on them. Make sure you are giving them special attention other times and being open to hearing what they are experiencing.

hopefully you got a post-nup.

I’ll take you at your word, but I do think that some women are just unreasonably triggered by their husbands showing any emotion towards the kids. Sometimes it is OK for kids to realize they cannot push adults around. It’s not the end of the world to be yelled at or told “no” sternly.

I am the PP you are responding to and it’s not the end of the world to be yelled at but for my one child (who was eventually diagnosed with SN) it does not work. The kid will yell back. It turns into a fight, and my child would hit, bite and destroy things. The same child responds very well to the techniques we agreed upon with our parent training coach. If I end up divorced I can live on my mommy tracked salary with no regrets.

Can you share more about the coach and the general approach that worked for you? Your situation sounds exactly like ours. DH and I are both very open to classes, coaching, training, etc, but not sure where to turn.

Sure, we did virtual parent training through Alvlord Baker. It was $$$ and there was still a significant wait list.

The sort of big picture was to not engage with bad behavior most of the time. When you ask your child to do something you don’t keep asking or getting louder you just wait. This is paired with a reward system for first time listening. There are consequences for red line behaviors like hitting (time out, but if they don’t go to time out when told to go, you instead immediately take away a privilege instead and then move on without a big argument. That was the piece of time outs I could never figure out before - my kid simply wouldn’t go and we had been picking them up sometimes and putting them in time out which was really not good for any one).

There’s more nuances than that but it really was a game changer. My husband fully admits that. It’s hard to do consistently though, especially once you are out of a crisis with that kid and dealing with other sources of stress.