Fighting about husband's inability to handle our kid

[Anonymous]

My husband really struggles with our younger kid (age 4, very sensitive).

Since she was born, we've usually divided and conquered - he takes care of the older one, and I'm with the younger one. Or I'd have them both, as he was working more. (They are both in school/daycare, so this is for evenings and weekends). 

I've gotten really exhausted by this setup, as our preschooler easily veers into loss of control. She may be over-excited playing with her sister or reluctant to do the next step of her morning routine - within seconds she is wildly running and laughing and yelling, and before long it's a full-blown tantrum where she may scream and hit. We've talked to a therapist and are trying to work on it, but it's a lot of work supporting her and teaching her emotion regulation skills and we're both tired and dealing with a lot of responsibilities so it's hard. 

Anyway, I am working more now and my husband is working less, so he is willing to step up more. But he is terrible at preventing the tantrums. It's not something I can easily teach him, because it just requires being "on" and watching her emotions and redirecting or addressing them if they start bubbling up. He gets overwhelmed by how quickly it goes from normal to out of control. He's also not good at multitasking, like making breakfast while also watching her.

When he is responsible for the kids, there are often tantrums that I hear through the walls, no matter where I go in the house. I get extremely shaken up and hopeless when I hear this. It makes me feel like I can never ever have a break, like I have a messed up kid, like my husband is a terrible parent. I work so hard to minimize the tantrums, and as soon as I pass her off, it's ruined. Plus, if she tantrums in the morning, the entire day can be off. 

We've been fighting about this, he says I just need to stay away until he calls for my help (if it gets really bad). I say that I can't just sit there while she is laughing, screaming, and defying him, and by that point, it's all gone to shit anyway, and he needs to prevent it from happening. The visual of him overwhelmed and frustrated and not in control of the situation is just too much for me to ignore. 

We'll have a good week and then I'm just so exhausted and need him to watch them and immediately a tantrum happens and I can't get a break. Is there any way out of this?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a hard situation OP.

I agree with your husband though. You need to let him parent the way he can. Offer advice, sure, but come from a place of teamwork, not control. He’s never going to parent exactly the way you do.

[Anonymous]

Is the 4-year old well behaved in preschool?

[Anonymous]

Let your husband figure out his way to handle this child who’s having contacts meltdowns.

Also, your husband needs to fully handle when he’s on duty - no calling for help as if this child isn’t his.

Your way isn’t the only or best way.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is right. Stay away and let him handle. The guy is truly trying, it's obvious. The last thing he needs is a back seat driver.

[Anonymous]

Constant ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is right. Stay away and let him handle. The guy is truly trying, it's obvious. The last thing he needs is a back seat driver.

I agree that he doesn’t need a backseat driver, but it sounds like he could use some parent coaching. If he’d be willing to listen to or read a book, The Whole Brain Child would be great.

[Anonymous]

You do need to back off OP and work with an actual behavioral therapist. preventing tantrums by accomodating is not necessarily the right approach in all cases. You need to let your DH handle things in his way and leave the house if the sound bothers you. As long as he is not getting aggressive with her, it is ok if he handles discipline in his own way. Ideally you would go to a parenting therapist to have a shared approach… but even so you would still need to back off and let him handle it himself.

[Anonymous]

You could both attend a parent training class, like Dr. Dan Shapiro’s Parent Child Journey. But you also need to accept that it is okay for your husband to do things his own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband really struggles with our younger kid (age 4, very sensitive).

Since she was born, we've usually divided and conquered - he takes care of the older one, and I'm with the younger one. Or I'd have them both, as he was working more. (They are both in school/daycare, so this is for evenings and weekends). 

I've gotten really exhausted by this setup, as our preschooler easily veers into loss of control. She may be over-excited playing with her sister or reluctant to do the next step of her morning routine - within seconds she is wildly running and laughing and yelling, and before long it's a full-blown tantrum where she may scream and hit. We've talked to a therapist and are trying to work on it, but it's a lot of work supporting her and teaching her emotion regulation skills and we're both tired and dealing with a lot of responsibilities so it's hard. 

Anyway, I am working more now and my husband is working less, so he is willing to step up more. But he is terrible at preventing the tantrums. It's not something I can easily teach him, because it just requires being "on" and watching her emotions and redirecting or addressing them if they start bubbling up. He gets overwhelmed by how quickly it goes from normal to out of control. He's also not good at multitasking, like making breakfast while also watching her.

When he is responsible for the kids, there are often tantrums that I hear through the walls, no matter where I go in the house. I get extremely shaken up and hopeless when I hear this. It makes me feel like I can never ever have a break, like I have a messed up kid, like my husband is a terrible parent. I work so hard to minimize the tantrums, and as soon as I pass her off, it's ruined. Plus, if she tantrums in the morning, the entire day can be off. 

We've been fighting about this, he says I just need to stay away until he calls for my help (if it gets really bad). I say that I can't just sit there while she is laughing, screaming, and defying him, and by that point, it's all gone to shit anyway, and he needs to prevent it from happening. The visual of him overwhelmed and frustrated and not in control of the situation is just too much for me to ignore. 

We'll have a good week and then I'm just so exhausted and need him to watch them and immediately a tantrum happens and I can't get a break. Is there any way out of this?

Leave the house. Literally stay out of it. Odds of your kids surviving are quite good. Odds of you getting an actual break are even better. Go for a walk, get yourself a coffee, go to the library, go to the gym/pool, get your nails done, hell, just sit in your car and scroll away on your phone! But you need to give your spouse authority and that means giving up your own.

I understand that it's hard to do this, and that stepping in to help/solve seems like the answer. It is not. It will breed resentments between you and your spouse, prevent him from building his own kidcare toolkit, and teach your kid "if I punk dad enough, mom comes back" which is the opposite of good for anyone.

There is literally a way out of this. Get out of it. Stay out of it. Set a time when you'll return and then come back in ____ hours. Eventually, after enough times, kid will settle into the fact that dad's in charge, dad will figure it out (just like you did) and you'll have enough rest/recharge time to get through the next week. Do it. No excuses.

They'll be fine. They may not do it your way, but they'll get through it. Let them.

[Anonymous]

You need noise cancelling headphones asap. After that, I think you need to give your husband time to develop his skills-sounds like you had four years of honing yours and he deserves some grace while he improves too.

Finally, I think you should have it on your radar that she might need a neuropsych eval in a year or two if this keeps up. Yes, tantrums happen but what you describe sounds like not having a tantrum requires a really unusual level of vigilance (and disruption to the rest of the family-if you think being that exquisitely attuned to your younger child isn’t affecting your older child-it is!)

that’s not to say you aren’t doing a great job (or that your husband isn’t) or that she’s not a great kid who will thrive! it just sounds like she is “high needs” and professional input might eventually be helpful.

[Anonymous]

This may come as a shock to you Op but your method isn't working.

It's time to step up or change therapists.

And yes you need to let your husband handle it having fights with him is inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let your husband figure out his way to handle this child who’s having contacts meltdowns.

Also, your husband needs to fully handle when he’s on duty - no calling for help as if this child isn’t his.

Your way isn’t the only or best way.

It sounds like the husband doesn’t actually want help but knows OP is dying to step. The fact he is telling you to let him handle it and not tapping out or asking OP to step in is huge and shows a lot of promise for his ability to improve.

OP needs to find a place to work outside of the house and to back off in a big way. What she is doing is not helping the situation.

[Anonymous]

Find a place to work outside of the house — whether it is Starbucks or you rent a spot at your local shared workspace. You have to do this.

Second, get your kid evaluated by your local early intervention program and also schedule an appointment with a developmental pediatrician — do both of these no matter what the first evaluation says.

Third, as others have suggested, get some parent training that you both take together.

Fourth, stop thinking that accommodating your kids every anxiety is actually helpful. It might actually be the wrong thing to do. But if you do the things listed above, that will help you decide what is helpful versus harmful to your long term goals.

[Anonymous]

This is hard, but I think you have to let your husband handle it. That means if he doesn't prevent the tantrum, then he deals with the tantrum. You can't swoop in to calm things done. I know that's hard because you don't want anyone distressed, but he has to be able to learn and do things his way.