Fighting about husband's inability to handle our kid

[Anonymous]

You probably need to leave the house to work. And gear up when you return to hear how bad it was while you were away. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read whole thread but this younger one sounds a lot like my youngest. We had a horrible mold situation inside our house walls. She developed autoimmune encephalitis and this is exactly what she looked like. I was also about to lose my mind spending all day trying to help her emotionally regulate. It was exhausting. My husband also just wasn’t any good at the subtler interventions which were needed alllllllll day long to keep her from exploding. She was also 4-5 during this time. If you have a mold exposure or any weird smells in your house you notice after you leave and come back days later might want to check that out. Also second neuro psych eval. She had been screened because of family risk and didn’t have ASD but those tantrums aren’t normal and I think you know this. Good news for us was we moved, got rid of mold and behavior is normal now. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband and I decided to try a parenting class together.

We are really confused by one thing - whenever we have researched this before, we do see this debate that came up in the thread here as well: "Your kid keeps it together at school and acts out at home because home is a safe space, so she needs comfort/empathy/support to learn skills" OR "Your kid only acts out at home because you're shit parents who don't discipline."

These are polar opposites, so which is it???

FWIW, she does get both love AND consequences, minimal screens and junk food, and sleep. However, unlike school, our life is not very predictable, each day is a little is different, our work hours change, we have different social plans, errands, house projects, etc. Same lifestyle and parenting worked fine for the older kid, so I don't think either of us are crap parents. We just got a very hard kid after an easy one and are taking it out on each other. Just bad luck.

You have two kids who are different, so don't you see that the answer to your question is, it depends? I have twin girls and they do not handle things the same nor do we parent them the same now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband and I decided to try a parenting class together.

We are really confused by one thing - whenever we have researched this before, we do see this debate that came up in the thread here as well: "Your kid keeps it together at school and acts out at home because home is a safe space, so she needs comfort/empathy/support to learn skills" OR "Your kid only acts out at home because you're shit parents who don't discipline."

These are polar opposites, so which is it???

FWIW, she does get both love AND consequences, minimal screens and junk food, and sleep. However, unlike school, our life is not very predictable, each day is a little is different, our work hours change, we have different social plans, errands, house projects, etc. Same lifestyle and parenting worked fine for the older kid, so I don't think either of us are crap parents. We just got a very hard kid after an easy one and are taking it out on each other. Just bad luck.

Neither is true. Parenting doesn’t magically change a child’s temperament and prevent all problems. It’s just a way to blame parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t read whole thread but this younger one sounds a lot like my youngest. We had a horrible mold situation inside our house walls. She developed autoimmune encephalitis and this is exactly what she looked like. I was also about to lose my mind spending all day trying to help her emotionally regulate. It was exhausting. My husband also just wasn’t any good at the subtler interventions which were needed alllllllll day long to keep her from exploding. She was also 4-5 during this time. If you have a mold exposure or any weird smells in your house you notice after you leave and come back days later might want to check that out. Also second neuro psych eval. She had been screened because of family risk and didn’t have ASD but those tantrums aren’t normal and I think you know this. Good news for us was we moved, got rid of mold and behavior is normal now. Hugs to you.

Sam here - PANS/PANDAS. Epic meltdowns at home, lovely at school, we were told it was bad parenting for years .Once we got the root cause (mold and a Bartonella infection) addressed, a whole new person emerged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some kids need structure, op, no chaos. Don't blame the kid for not being able to offer structure. A kid is not luggage to go along with your daily mess.

OP here. Fair point, but a kid also isn't in charge of our family and it doesn't seem right to design our lives around her? Like where is that balance? We are already very strict with bedtime (7PM, which really messes with evening plans -- most other families with kids seem to be able to keep them up late without all hell breaking loose).

You need to understand that you, the adults, must make a plan for the whole family including each kid. That isn't letting her be in charge. You're not just giving her whatever she wants and letting her make decisions in the moment. You're planning a schedule that works for her, and holding her to it even when she wouldn't choose it for herself. She's not in charge just because you're planning appropriate to her needs.

Yes, other kids are more flexible/need less sleep/don't need strict routines. But so what? You have the kid you have, and she needs what she needs. No, it isn't fair. But you get what you get.

Or you can keep doing your schedule how you're doing it now, and she'll keep acting how she's acting. Your choice. Accept that what you choose has a consequence for her behavior.

+1 our family schedule completely revolved around kids' schedule including nap, dinnertime, bedtime etc. If one parent has something else to do or stuff comes up, the other parent tried to keep to it. Now they are slightly older and we can stay up a little later etc. But mostly we are choosing activities (including socializing and travel) that they will do well with, not whatever just suits our needs. It makes the actual activities a lot more enjoyable even if we still have to say No to some things that are too late etc and don't work for us.

IMO having a kid does mean "designing your life around her" to the extent you can, especially in the early years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t read whole thread but this younger one sounds a lot like my youngest. We had a horrible mold situation inside our house walls. She developed autoimmune encephalitis and this is exactly what she looked like. I was also about to lose my mind spending all day trying to help her emotionally regulate. It was exhausting. My husband also just wasn’t any good at the subtler interventions which were needed alllllllll day long to keep her from exploding. She was also 4-5 during this time. If you have a mold exposure or any weird smells in your house you notice after you leave and come back days later might want to check that out. Also second neuro psych eval. She had been screened because of family risk and didn’t have ASD but those tantrums aren’t normal and I think you know this. Good news for us was we moved, got rid of mold and behavior is normal now. Hugs to you.

Sam here - PANS/PANDAS. Epic meltdowns at home, lovely at school, we were told it was bad parenting for years .Once we got the root cause (mold and a Bartonella infection) addressed, a whole new person emerged.

Or she got more mature during that period. You know, like kids do—they gain coping skills.

It’s like the autism/vaccine fallacy. Correlation is not causation.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was you with my first. Go out of earshot and let him handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the 4-year old well behaved in preschool?

OP here. The 4-year-old is well-behaved everywhere but at home. Preschool, grandparents, babysitters. She is still spirited and emotional, but very manageable. Her teachers and our date night babysitter were shocked when I was mentioning going to a therapist with her.

I do think a lot about if there's something truly off with her besides just being a very emotional kid, which absolutely runs in the family...and if so, what kind of therapy would really help. The thing is none of it really comes up in the therapist's office, she's an angel there.

If she is an angel at therapy and well behaved for the sitter and teacher, then it's a you problem.
Look at how you parent - you may have allowed what, in the past, would have been called a "spoiled brat"
She knows that you will bend over backwards to her every whim - and her ammunition is a full blown meltdown.
Therapy is needed - but likely for you and DH to understand how to set limits and put a stop to her being the emotional regulator for the family.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t read whole thread but this younger one sounds a lot like my youngest. We had a horrible mold situation inside our house walls. She developed autoimmune encephalitis and this is exactly what she looked like. I was also about to lose my mind spending all day trying to help her emotionally regulate. It was exhausting. My husband also just wasn’t any good at the subtler interventions which were needed alllllllll day long to keep her from exploding. She was also 4-5 during this time. If you have a mold exposure or any weird smells in your house you notice after you leave and come back days later might want to check that out. Also second neuro psych eval. She had been screened because of family risk and didn’t have ASD but those tantrums aren’t normal and I think you know this. Good news for us was we moved, got rid of mold and behavior is normal now. Hugs to you.

Sam here - PANS/PANDAS. Epic meltdowns at home, lovely at school, we were told it was bad parenting for years .Once we got the root cause (mold and a Bartonella infection) addressed, a whole new person emerged.

Or she got more mature during that period. You know, like kids do—they gain coping skills.

It’s like the autism/vaccine fallacy. Correlation is not causation.

Terrible example for these loons. They also think vaccines cause autism.