Reply to Husband asked me to change my behavior

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP. I am/was a perfectionist. I work hard to make everything go perfectly. Then when, inevitably, something doesn't go perfectly I get into a funk. (What is the saying: Man plans and God laughs??)

I wasn't able to change my behavior no matter what anyone said to me because it was my way of trying to maintain control. To avoid disaster. To avoid bad things. To make my life seem beautiful and harmonious. But then someone said something that I hadn't heard before. That I wasn't that I wanted to be so buttoned up and that was admirable (which is how I always thought of it as) but instead I was a catastrophist. Someone who is always worrying about the worst possible outcome (whether is was likely or not) and that by being a perfectionist I made myself feel better that I was going to avoid bad outcomes. Only sometimes bad outcomes happen anyway.

I proudly thought of myself as a great planner, not afraid of hard work, doing whatever it took. But I did not like to think of myself as someone who was mired in (deep down) catastrophic worries. That has helped me help myself change. It helped me realize that my mother did this in our unstable home. And I was determined to make sure I didn't pass it along to my own children. [/quote]

I think you are being too hard on yourself.  There are definitely some lines of work where this kind of perfectionism is really valued and reinforced, and bet that you were in one. I know that it is in school.  My daughter’s teachers are always telling her to do her best, and we have had a lot of talks about what is a reasonable amount of effort to put into her schoolwork and that her teachers don’t mean to do your best to the exclusion of other things or to the point that you are driving everyone else around you crazy.

This trait is not good or bad in itself.  It’s something that serves you well at certain times of life and something that you have to learn to let go of at other times.  [/quote]

No, obsessing about how things should be out of some deeply-held but unstated belief that if you worry enough you will prevent bad things from happening is not a good trait. Being careful and thoughtful is good! But you have to be able to satisfice.[/quote]

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