MIL move in to memory care next week- advised to lie to her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.

They're trying to make their own jobs easier by lying to a patient. It's deeply unethical. There's no way I would lie to my loved one, even if she had dementia. I would also visit as I felt necessary. I would start my regular, planned visitation schedule and get into a routine.

Let me guess -- you're someone who will keep correcting their parent with dementia, and making sure they understand exactly the truth of what is going on. Because that's what good people do, instead of any shade of lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Methinks the MAGAts that have recently flocked to DCUM don't trust democrats and don't trust medical professionals at long term care facilities. The tone here has changed dramatically in the past few years. So odd!

I would guess I am one of the furthest to the left on DCUM. Most care in memory care and SNFs isn't coming from Doctors and nurses. Even in expensive facilities, it's CNA's and uncertified aides that provide most of the care. Some of them are absolutely wonderful, others ok, and some are awful. The quality of the medical oversight is variable as well. Most of these places are for profit, and you really do have to carefully watch what is happening. Maybe you don't have much experience with this level of care. Or maybe you're a MAGA that wants to stir things up. I do know that I would never trust a facility with a no contact for a week rule. Not for my dog, not for my kid, and certainly not for a senior with dementia.

A lot of people think that once they have their elder "in a facility" the job is done. But really the job is just different. You aren't on call to solve every issue 24/7, but your involvement and attention is still very much needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Methinks the MAGAts that have recently flocked to DCUM don't trust democrats and don't trust medical professionals at long term care facilities. The tone here has changed dramatically in the past few years. So odd!

I would guess I am one of the furthest to the left on DCUM. Most care in memory care and SNFs isn't coming from Doctors and nurses. Even in expensive facilities, it's CNA's and uncertified aides that provide most of the care. Some of them are absolutely wonderful, others ok, and some are awful. The quality of the medical oversight is variable as well. Most of these places are for profit, and you really do have to carefully watch what is happening. Maybe you don't have much experience with this level of care. Or maybe you're a MAGA that wants to stir things up. I do know that I would never trust a facility with a no contact for a week rule. Not for my dog, not for my kid, and certainly not for a senior with dementia.

A lot of people think that once they have their elder "in a facility" the job is done. But really the job is just different. You aren't on call to solve every issue 24/7, but your involvement and attention is still very much needed.

The “no contact for a week” is a suggestion not a policy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.

They're trying to make their own jobs easier by lying to a patient. It's deeply unethical. There's no way I would lie to my loved one, even if she had dementia. I would also visit as I felt necessary. I would start my regular, planned visitation schedule and get into a routine.

Therapeutic lying is standard with dementia. Imagine your mom forgets every day that your dad died 20 years ago. Every day she says, “where is bob?” And every day you say “mom, Bob died 20 years ago” and she is devastated , because it feels like she is learning this news for the first time. She cries, she asks how he died, she gets combative. Then, a few hours later, she says, “where is bob?”

You think the standard of care, the kind thing, the best thing for her mental and physical well being, is to repeat this trauma a couple times a day for the rest of her life?

No. You say “he’s at the store. Here mom, have some lemonade. Want me to play the piano for you?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.

They're trying to make their own jobs easier by lying to a patient. It's deeply unethical. There's no way I would lie to my loved one, even if she had dementia. I would also visit as I felt necessary. I would start my regular, planned visitation schedule and get into a routine.

Therapeutic lying is standard with dementia. Imagine your mom forgets every day that your dad died 20 years ago. Every day she says, “where is bob?” And every day you say “mom, Bob died 20 years ago” and she is devastated , because it feels like she is learning this news for the first time. She cries, she asks how he died, she gets combative. Then, a few hours later, she says, “where is bob?”

You think the standard of care, the kind thing, the best thing for her mental and physical well being, is to repeat this trauma a couple times a day for the rest of her life?

No. You say “he’s at the store. Here mom, have some lemonade. Want me to play the piano for you?”

+1
Therapeutic lying is sort of a unfortunate name for the practice of supporting dementia patients and being with them where they are. It's a good practice and much healthier than the old way of trying to force memory and reality.

Therapeutic lying and being told to have no contact for a week are not the same thing.

[Anonymous]

We had to therapeutically lie to my mom. And when we visted her with less than a week it was ok for the first 2-3 weeks. after that, the next visit she exploed at my husband and told him to go home and she does not want him there. She aslo said she will kill herself. In front of my child--who brought her a cupcake for her 10th birthday. I didn't visit for a few months. However, this is my mom. She's always been this way. At the facility, she just doesn't get to control us like she used to because she knew we'd worry and she'd eventually need something. at the facility, her needs are met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.

They're trying to make their own jobs easier by lying to a patient. It's deeply unethical. There's no way I would lie to my loved one, even if she had dementia. I would also visit as I felt necessary. I would start my regular, planned visitation schedule and get into a routine.

Therapeutic lying is standard with dementia. Imagine your mom forgets every day that your dad died 20 years ago. Every day she says, “where is bob?” And every day you say “mom, Bob died 20 years ago” and she is devastated , because it feels like she is learning this news for the first time. She cries, she asks how he died, she gets combative. Then, a few hours later, she says, “where is bob?”

You think the standard of care, the kind thing, the best thing for her mental and physical well being, is to repeat this trauma a couple times a day for the rest of her life?

No. You say “he’s at the store. Here mom, have some lemonade. Want me to play the piano for you?”

+1
Therapeutic lying is sort of a unfortunate name for the practice of supporting dementia patients and being with them where they are. It's a good practice and much healthier than the old way of trying to force memory and reality.

Therapeutic lying and being told to have no contact for a week are not the same thing.

This exactly. Lying to keep someone from being distressed is one thing. A company hack who dictates barring family visits to a vulnerable person is quite another.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has been through this with parents and inlaws:

1.) Nobody tells you MUST go no contact for any amount of time. Yes, when you have a difficult elder and they go over a bunch of things that may help with transition that is one thing SUGGESTED. We did that with one parent and it was much needed.

2.)Therapeutic lying absolutely helps and telling the truth can be cruel depending on the elder. Once you see a parent having a meltdown every time you remind her dad passed away and you see she is totally fine if you just say he's at the store, perhaps you will understand. Or perhaps you will be blessed with an easier situation all around.

If anyone has experienced someone "dictating" you MUST have no contact for x amount days, please share. I was in support groups and have NEVER heard of anyone sharing this as any more than a suggestion and it comes with plenty of information why.

[Anonymous]

My siblings and I went briefly no-contact wheur mmoved to a higher level of care at a CCRC where she'd lived for years. We trusted the staff.

For us, it was the right decision.

If you don't trust the staff, how often do you visit?

[Anonymous]

No contact also doesn’t mean that you have no contact with the facility. He should go every day and at least meet with her caretakers. They can talk about how she is doing and then he can decide whether to go in to her or not, based on the facts on the ground at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.

They're trying to make their own jobs easier by lying to a patient. It's deeply unethical. There's no way I would lie to my loved one, even if she had dementia. I would also visit as I felt necessary. I would start my regular, planned visitation schedule and get into a routine.

I think we shouldn't assume that the people at the facility are just trying to make their lives easier. It could be that experience and best practice tells them that this is what works.

They are professionals, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.

They're trying to make their own jobs easier by lying to a patient. It's deeply unethical. There's no way I would lie to my loved one, even if she had dementia. I would also visit as I felt necessary. I would start my regular, planned visitation schedule and get into a routine.

I think we shouldn't assume that the people at the facility are just trying to make their lives easier. It could be that experience and best practice tells them that this is what works.

They are professionals, right?

Pay attention to who is providing most of the direct care and think about how they are paid and their working conditions. There are so many kind and giving aides, but there are also dangerous and cruel aides. It's not different than a day care or preschool. You can't assume that all "professionals" are totally trustworthy.

[Anonymous]

OP here- tomorrow is the day. My FIL, SIL, and DH are taking MIL to "lunch" at the facility. SIL and DH already moved some furniture from the house into her room, and my SIL got her new bedding.
I think the plan is to have staff distract my MIL (who is 100% ambulatory) while the others slowly leave.
DH told me yesterday that MIL went on a new antianxiety med a few weeks that is working to keep her from overreacting at little things.
Tomorrow will not be easy but it is truly the best place for my MIL. I'll post here how things play out in the coming weeks.
Thanks again for the thoughtful responses.

[Anonymous]

I would just go along with what they advise. They know better. And your ultimate goal is to keep her there. She probably won’t realize if it’s been a week or a day anyway.

[Anonymous]

Thinking of you and hope it goes smoothly! Really good that she adjusted well to a new anti-anxiety drug that keeps her from overreacting to little things. It helps so much with quality of life.

Keep us posted!