MIL move in to memory care next week- advised to lie to her

[Anonymous]

MIL moving in to memory care next week. Fantastic facility and she should have been there a few years ago. The staff are advising my FIL to tell her that he is bringing her for lunch, but then actually leave her there after lunch. They are also advising no contact with her for at least a week.
I work in health care (not geriatrics) and can see why they have this position on move-ins. My question: is this standard procedure for facility move-in with a dementia patient?
Some info- the facility itself is 5 minutes from their current home, MIL is 83 and has had dementia dx for 8 yrs but the past year has really started declining. She has had home care for the past year 5 days/week for basic activities of daily life and housekeeping. FIL is 85 and mentally competent but physically not really able to help her with showering, etc.

Also, she had lunch there a few weeks ago, engaged in many of the activities, and has the idea that she will be moving in here at some point, but says she doesn't want to move in. To add another wrinkle, she actually managed this facility's sister facility (down the street- this facility is less than 3 years old) back in the 90s. This is not uncharted waters for her.

[Anonymous]

Some yes, some no. No contact for a week is cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some yes, some no. No contact for a week is cruel.

I agree.
I'm not a professional in this area, but my jaw dropped at this.

My mom entered memory care during Covid (fall of 2020) and my dad was able to visit her the very first day! Later on, there were restrictions at times when there were Covid outbreaks.

[Anonymous]

“Therapeutic lying” is standard practice for dementia. As far as not visiting for the first week, I think this depends on the individual situation. When we moved my mom into memory care (15 minutes from us) I didn’t follow this suggestion.

For someone who exhibits difficult dementia behaviors like arguing, combativeness, paranoia, etc. I can see how allowing time to settle in without distraction could be helpful. But it sounds like OP’s MIL doesn’t fall into that category.

[Anonymous]

What about if your FIL takes her to lunch, then says he arranged for their house to be painted. He forgot to tell her before, but she's going to stay at Shady Acres for a few nights while the work is being done so she won't be disturbed. He'll come back tomorrow to check on her and spend the day with her. He even arranged for some of her things to be brought over, so she'll be more comfortable.

Rinse and repeat, adding more renovations to the house as necessary.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for input. She has become slightly combative, but is overall compliant.
Seeing how she participate in the activities at the tour a few weeks ago, she may settle in easier than we realize.
Ultimately, this place is perfect for her. My ILs were able to pay for a LTC policy over the past 30 yrs that is paying off big time now. I don't even think they sell this policy any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about if your FIL takes her to lunch, then says he arranged for their house to be painted. He forgot to tell her before, but she's going to stay at Shady Acres for a few nights while the work is being done so she won't be disturbed. He'll come back tomorrow to check on her and spend the day with her. He even arranged for some of her things to be brought over, so she'll be more comfortable.

Rinse and repeat, adding more renovations to the house as necessary.

This seems like a very kind and gentle option. And it can be switched up on the spot if the early visits cause her increased irritation or distress. This is what I would want someone to do for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some yes, some no. No contact for a week is cruel.

That would be a huge red flag to me. I have never encountered that and would not choose a facility that wanted that.

[Anonymous]

When I moved my mom into memory care I was there daily. I can’t imagine going no contact for a week and the facility did not suggest doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some yes, some no. No contact for a week is cruel.

That would be a huge red flag to me. I have never encountered that and would not choose a facility that wanted that.

Same.

[Anonymous]

What about if your FIL takes her to lunch, then says he arranged for their house to be painted. He forgot to tell her before, but she's going to stay at Shady Acres for a few nights while the work is being done so she won't be disturbed. He'll come back tomorrow to check on her and spend the day with her. He even arranged for some of her things to be brought over, so she'll be more comfortable.

Rinse and repeat, adding more renovations to the house as necessary.

Thank you for this idea. We just may try it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Therapeutic lying” is standard practice for dementia. As far as not visiting for the first week, I think this depends on the individual situation. When we moved my mom into memory care (15 minutes from us) I didn’t follow this suggestion.

For someone who exhibits difficult dementia behaviors like arguing, combativeness, paranoia, etc. I can see how allowing time to settle in without distraction could be helpful. But it sounds like OP’s MIL doesn’t fall into that category.

This. Therapeutic lying is standard. Also, very common if they are difficult to say not to visit for a while. (I think we were told longer than a week). Seeing you can trigger all sorts of bad behavior and escalate hostility. Sadly arguing, combative and paranoid is how I would describe my mother.

[Anonymous]

My sister works in geriatrics. When our dad got dementia she always advised saying, "Let's just talk about that later." It worked amazingly well. There's no end to how long you can kick the can down the road.

[Anonymous]

I would let father-in-law tell her what he wants to tell her. They have been married for decades.

I would not want a family member in a facility in which the family was not told to visit for a week.

Understand memory care is essentially a lockdown facility like prison.

[Anonymous]

No contact for a week is pretty standard. I am wondering if the people reacting like this is the most cruel thing ever have received or acted on this advice before?

What is actually cruel is to do is to string someone along who is adjusting and force them to re-start every day or half day. A week allows them to adjust to a new normal and acclimate to what is NOW their LIFE in a healthy and real way.

It's like if you have a kindergartener who didn't like being at kindergarten all day. The school would not let you go visit twice a day because...every day would be a miserable re-start and would hamper their adjustment and affect other kids. Same for residents.

If she is adjusting well, believe me, no one will bar you from entry or discourage you from visiting. They just want you to prepare for being a cooperative partner in her care by employing this best practice that is difficult but ultimately, humane, and it works.

Best of luck, OP. They will likely have her pretend she works there in some capacity, give her jobs to do. It's actually a really fortunate set up that she's old hat. They know her history, right?