MIL move in to memory care next week- advised to lie to her

[Anonymous]

I would not agree to that. I would tell her what happening and tell her I’ll see her for lunch everyday until she gets settled. And show up every day for a month.

[Anonymous]

My mom is in assisted living with dementia but not memory care. I was able to have her move without fully lying but the truth is she kept forgetting we’d discussed it and then the conversation would be hard again so at one point I just stopped talking about it until the day of. I did refer to her new place as a senior apartment versus assisted living. I wasn’t told not to visit, but I was told not to linger too long or come during meal times, etc. like come for 45 minutes between breakfast and lunch or lunch and dinner, and then go. Let her settle into the routine there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No contact for a week is pretty standard. I am wondering if the people reacting like this is the most cruel thing ever have received or acted on this advice before?

What is actually cruel is to do is to string someone along who is adjusting and force them to re-start every day or half day. A week allows them to adjust to a new normal and acclimate to what is NOW their LIFE in a healthy and real way.

It's like if you have a kindergartener who didn't like being at kindergarten all day. The school would not let you go visit twice a day because...every day would be a miserable re-start and would hamper their adjustment and affect other kids. Same for residents.

If she is adjusting well, believe me, no one will bar you from entry or discourage you from visiting. They just want you to prepare for being a cooperative partner in her care by employing this best practice that is difficult but ultimately, humane, and it works.

Best of luck, OP. They will likely have her pretend she works there in some capacity, give her jobs to do. It's actually a really fortunate set up that she's old hat. They know her history, right?

Let me guess. You either work for the LTC industry or are invested in it. You certainly have their propaganda messages down pat.

Phrases like "cooperative partner in her care" is such a tell. So are words/phrases like "humane" and "she's old hat." You do know you are referring to OP's mother, right?

There are many, many, many people with dementia who have loved ones (often the spouse) who visit every day, and have done so since they were first admitted. It sure as hell isn't "cruel" for them to have a loved one come by daily. I would demand to do so. If not, I'd find another facility.

I don't know where you lost out on the empathy gene but you have. The advice and perspective of the elderly you've given OP is the only thing that has been "cruel" in this thread, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No contact for a week is pretty standard. I am wondering if the people reacting like this is the most cruel thing ever have received or acted on this advice before?

What is actually cruel is to do is to string someone along who is adjusting and force them to re-start every day or half day. A week allows them to adjust to a new normal and acclimate to what is NOW their LIFE in a healthy and real way.

It's like if you have a kindergartener who didn't like being at kindergarten all day. The school would not let you go visit twice a day because...every day would be a miserable re-start and would hamper their adjustment and affect other kids. Same for residents.

If she is adjusting well, believe me, no one will bar you from entry or discourage you from visiting. They just want you to prepare for being a cooperative partner in her care by employing this best practice that is difficult but ultimately, humane, and it works.

Best of luck, OP. They will likely have her pretend she works there in some capacity, give her jobs to do. It's actually a really fortunate set up that she's old hat. They know her history, right?

Let me guess. You either work for the LTC industry or are invested in it. You certainly have their propaganda messages down pat.

Phrases like "cooperative partner in her care" is such a tell. So are words/phrases like "humane" and "she's old hat." You do know you are referring to OP's mother, right?

There are many, many, many people with dementia who have loved ones (often the spouse) who visit every day, and have done so since they were first admitted. It sure as hell isn't "cruel" for them to have a loved one come by daily. I would demand to do so. If not, I'd find another facility.

I don't know where you lost out on the empathy gene but you have. The advice and perspective of the elderly you've given OP is the only thing that has been "cruel" in this thread, IMO.

I think I get where PP is coming from. I don't work in LTC but work in a hospital. Sometimes with people with significant memory issues, daily visits with family make their behavior worse. They become agitated and more confused when their family leaves because they don't get why they can't go with them, it confuses them and they think they are at home with them, and who knows what else it triggers for them. As sad as it is when family doesn't visit, they often don't know due to their memory impairment. They may ask but really aren't aware. I'm not saying this is OPs situation and it really only applies to some and usually only those with significant memory impairment.

But I've been punched in the face by a sweet old man who was mad and confused why I wouldn't let him out the doors after his wife left. So, I get why some may see it as cruel to visit them when it causes them distress when they leave. But this is a case by case thing and I think having a blanket "no visiting for a week" policy is ridiculous. If you visit and there are issues, sure limit visits and see if that helps at first. But not allowing visits from the start as someone tries to settle into a new living situation seems cruel to me.

[Anonymous]

You would never leave your young child in a place that didn't allow you to check on them at will. Why would you leave an equally vulnerable elder with no checks for a week?

I have seen amazing care in relatively spartan SNFs with a lot of medicaid beds, and I've seen bad stuff in very pricey facilities, and the other way around. It doesn't matter how good you think they are, or how good they were last month. Things change. Someone needs to be watching carefully, because unfortunately you just cannot trust "the facility."

[Anonymous]

Father-in-law lives five minutes away, and he has been married for decades, and he has told not to visit his wife?

Even inmates in jail and inmates in prison are allowed visitation from their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would let father-in-law tell her what he wants to tell her. They have been married for decades.

I would not want a family member in a facility in which the family was not told to visit for a week.

Understand memory care is essentially a lockdown facility like prison.

Not quality memory care facilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No contact for a week is pretty standard. I am wondering if the people reacting like this is the most cruel thing ever have received or acted on this advice before?

What is actually cruel is to do is to string someone along who is adjusting and force them to re-start every day or half day. A week allows them to adjust to a new normal and acclimate to what is NOW their LIFE in a healthy and real way.

It's like if you have a kindergartener who didn't like being at kindergarten all day. The school would not let you go visit twice a day because...every day would be a miserable re-start and would hamper their adjustment and affect other kids. Same for residents.

If she is adjusting well, believe me, no one will bar you from entry or discourage you from visiting. They just want you to prepare for being a cooperative partner in her care by employing this best practice that is difficult but ultimately, humane, and it works.

Best of luck, OP. They will likely have her pretend she works there in some capacity, give her jobs to do. It's actually a really fortunate set up that she's old hat. They know her history, right?

I'm an RN who does a couple of casual positions in LTC facilities currently and have worked in others and I can unequivocally state that "no contact for a week" is absolutely NOT standard. Not sure where you're getting your information from

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No contact for a week is pretty standard. I am wondering if the people reacting like this is the most cruel thing ever have received or acted on this advice before?

What is actually cruel is to do is to string someone along who is adjusting and force them to re-start every day or half day. A week allows them to adjust to a new normal and acclimate to what is NOW their LIFE in a healthy and real way.

It's like if you have a kindergartener who didn't like being at kindergarten all day. The school would not let you go visit twice a day because...every day would be a miserable re-start and would hamper their adjustment and affect other kids. Same for residents.

If she is adjusting well, believe me, no one will bar you from entry or discourage you from visiting. They just want you to prepare for being a cooperative partner in her care by employing this best practice that is difficult but ultimately, humane, and it works.

Best of luck, OP. They will likely have her pretend she works there in some capacity, give her jobs to do. It's actually a really fortunate set up that she's old hat. They know her history, right?

Let me guess. You either work for the LTC industry or are invested in it. You certainly have their propaganda messages down pat.

Phrases like "cooperative partner in her care" is such a tell. So are words/phrases like "humane" and "she's old hat." You do know you are referring to OP's mother, right?

There are many, many, many people with dementia who have loved ones (often the spouse) who visit every day, and have done so since they were first admitted. It sure as hell isn't "cruel" for them to have a loved one come by daily. I would demand to do so. If not, I'd find another facility.

I don't know where you lost out on the empathy gene but you have. The advice and perspective of the elderly you've given OP is the only thing that has been "cruel" in this thread, IMO.

I think I get where PP is coming from. I don't work in LTC but work in a hospital. Sometimes with people with significant memory issues, daily visits with family make their behavior worse. They become agitated and more confused when their family leaves because they don't get why they can't go with them, it confuses them and they think they are at home with them, and who knows what else it triggers for them. As sad as it is when family doesn't visit, they often don't know due to their memory impairment. They may ask but really aren't aware. I'm not saying this is OPs situation and it really only applies to some and usually only those with significant memory impairment.

But I've been punched in the face by a sweet old man who was mad and confused why I wouldn't let him out the doors after his wife left. So, I get why some may see it as cruel to visit them when it causes them distress when they leave. But this is a case by case thing and I think having a blanket "no visiting for a week" policy is ridiculous. If you visit and there are issues, sure limit visits and see if that helps at first. But not allowing visits from the start as someone tries to settle into a new living situation seems cruel to me.

Family NEEDS to visit regularly. There is so much abuse and neglect. Bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No contact for a week is pretty standard. I am wondering if the people reacting like this is the most cruel thing ever have received or acted on this advice before?

What is actually cruel is to do is to string someone along who is adjusting and force them to re-start every day or half day. A week allows them to adjust to a new normal and acclimate to what is NOW their LIFE in a healthy and real way.

It's like if you have a kindergartener who didn't like being at kindergarten all day. The school would not let you go visit twice a day because...every day would be a miserable re-start and would hamper their adjustment and affect other kids. Same for residents.

If she is adjusting well, believe me, no one will bar you from entry or discourage you from visiting. They just want you to prepare for being a cooperative partner in her care by employing this best practice that is difficult but ultimately, humane, and it works.

Best of luck, OP. They will likely have her pretend she works there in some capacity, give her jobs to do. It's actually a really fortunate set up that she's old hat. They know her history, right?

I'm an RN who does a couple of casual positions in LTC facilities currently and have worked in others and I can unequivocally state that "no contact for a week" is absolutely NOT standard. Not sure where you're getting your information from

We were told that. We didn't listen. They want to hide stuff from families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would never leave your young child in a place that didn't allow you to check on them at will. Why would you leave an equally vulnerable elder with no checks for a week?

I have seen amazing care in relatively spartan SNFs with a lot of medicaid beds, and I've seen bad stuff in very pricey facilities, and the other way around. It doesn't matter how good you think they are, or how good they were last month. Things change. Someone needs to be watching carefully, because unfortunately you just cannot trust "the facility."

Spot on!

I know of a very expensive and highly-recommended SNF where the residents are drugged into oblivion and kept in their beds. Literally, you walked out of the elevator onto the floor and you didn't hear a thing other than some background TVs. There was no one in the hallway, no one in the recreation room, no one eating in the posh dining room.

Sure, the building was beautiful and gleaming and the residents were quiet and sleeping most of the time, but I couldn't help but think that a certain percentage of these elderly people might have had a better quality of life if they hadn't been so drugged. It sure made things easier for the facility, though, since they didn't have to hire so many people.

On the other hand, I went to a smaller facility that was not as flashy, had many Medicaid residents BUT the management team there actually spent time on their quality of life - doing activities and made sure they got up, were dressed and into their walkers/wheelchairs every single day. Happiest bunch of residents I saw - even those with dementia. And the workers were happy, too, because the man who ran the place was a true leader - not a corporate shill protecting the bottom line.

The people working there cared and did not advocate for drugging residents into a stupor, just to make their lives easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No contact for a week is pretty standard. I am wondering if the people reacting like this is the most cruel thing ever have received or acted on this advice before?

What is actually cruel is to do is to string someone along who is adjusting and force them to re-start every day or half day. A week allows them to adjust to a new normal and acclimate to what is NOW their LIFE in a healthy and real way.

It's like if you have a kindergartener who didn't like being at kindergarten all day. The school would not let you go visit twice a day because...every day would be a miserable re-start and would hamper their adjustment and affect other kids. Same for residents.

If she is adjusting well, believe me, no one will bar you from entry or discourage you from visiting. They just want you to prepare for being a cooperative partner in her care by employing this best practice that is difficult but ultimately, humane, and it works.

Best of luck, OP. They will likely have her pretend she works there in some capacity, give her jobs to do. It's actually a really fortunate set up that she's old hat. They know her history, right?

Of course you are: "Daddy can't come to visit you at school today, he has a very important meeting. But you are going to have fun making slime!" "We can't get ice cream instead of school today because the ice cream store is closed while kids are in school."

Thank you for providing the alternative perspective. I don't know if I agree, but, I do understand a bit better. I don't think it is quite like Kindergarten because you are not lying to kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No contact for a week is pretty standard. I am wondering if the people reacting like this is the most cruel thing ever have received or acted on this advice before?

What is actually cruel is to do is to string someone along who is adjusting and force them to re-start every day or half day. A week allows them to adjust to a new normal and acclimate to what is NOW their LIFE in a healthy and real way.

It's like if you have a kindergartener who didn't like being at kindergarten all day. The school would not let you go visit twice a day because...every day would be a miserable re-start and would hamper their adjustment and affect other kids. Same for residents.

If she is adjusting well, believe me, no one will bar you from entry or discourage you from visiting. They just want you to prepare for being a cooperative partner in her care by employing this best practice that is difficult but ultimately, humane, and it works.

Best of luck, OP. They will likely have her pretend she works there in some capacity, give her jobs to do. It's actually a really fortunate set up that she's old hat. They know her history, right?

Let me guess. You either work for the LTC industry or are invested in it. You certainly have their propaganda messages down pat.

Phrases like "cooperative partner in her care" is such a tell. So are words/phrases like "humane" and "she's old hat." You do know you are referring to OP's mother, right?

There are many, many, many people with dementia who have loved ones (often the spouse) who visit every day, and have done so since they were first admitted. It sure as hell isn't "cruel" for them to have a loved one come by daily. I would demand to do so. If not, I'd find another facility.

I don't know where you lost out on the empathy gene but you have. The advice and perspective of the elderly you've given OP is the only thing that has been "cruel" in this thread, IMO.

I am a 42 year old teacher who has seen three grandparents go to LTC and watched my parents do it in my teens and 20s. I am coming from a place of empathy for the caregiver and patient. But you do you and your method may be different.

[Anonymous]

Methinks the MAGAts that have recently flocked to DCUM don't trust democrats and don't trust medical professionals at long term care facilities. The tone here has changed dramatically in the past few years. So odd!

[Anonymous]

OP here- thank you for the replies and insights. I apologize if I wasn't clear- my FIL was advised to stay away for just the first week. I was curious if this "initial week at facility with no visitors" was a common policy.

This facility is like a cruise ship on land. Activities from sunup to sundown. It is ostensibly for religious seniors, so church services, hymn sings, etc are part of the daily and weekly schedule. This is the complete opposite of the care home my great grandmother was in back in the 80s.

I am fairly certain that once my MIL settles in, she will be very happy. Navigating this first step into care is so fraught and new to everyone. And when presented with a kind of extreme-sounding protocol, I thought I would get feedback from others who have trod this path.