MIL move in to memory care next week- advised to lie to her

[Anonymous]

They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.

What they “know” is that witnesses are troublesome. Anybody who wants to control a helpless individual, young or old, by getting them out of the sight of family members, is acting for their own benefit, not the benefit of the helpless person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.

What they “know” is that witnesses are troublesome. Anybody who wants to control a helpless individual, young or old, by getting them out of the sight of family members, is acting for their own benefit, not the benefit of the helpless person.

Yep. No witnesses. Since most LTC facilities are owned by corporations, they care more about their bottom line than people.

IMO, the reason they are asking for a week of non-visits is because the woman will undoubtedly be scared and act out. Once she does, they break out the drugs to keep her calm and zombie-like.

And that's what she'll be like the rest of her life.

[Anonymous]

We definitely needed to wait to visit for one of our parents, but it was a needed break-abusive behavior. I do think it helped her adjustment and our sanity. The medication decision was not done flippantly and we completely agreed with it. Medication helped her be able to enjoy her final years and not vacillate between rage, extreme anxiety and confusion.we found the Memory Care setting ideal for her needs and despite short staffing and typical issues, she was much safer there.

[Anonymous]

Don't lie.
The paint the house thing is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.

They're trying to make their own jobs easier by lying to a patient. It's deeply unethical. There's no way I would lie to my loved one, even if she had dementia. I would also visit as I felt necessary. I would start my regular, planned visitation schedule and get into a routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.

What they “know” is that witnesses are troublesome. Anybody who wants to control a helpless individual, young or old, by getting them out of the sight of family members, is acting for their own benefit, not the benefit of the helpless person.

Yep. No witnesses. Since most LTC facilities are owned by corporations, they care more about their bottom line than people.

IMO, the reason they are asking for a week of non-visits is because the woman will undoubtedly be scared and act out. Once she does, they break out the drugs to keep her calm and zombie-like.

And that's what she'll be like the rest of her life.

Obviously we disagree but that seems necessary and humane to me.

[Anonymous]

Honestly some of you sound like the type of people who tell your kids you want to remain in your own home at any financial or emotional cost no matter what, or force your pets to live in pain until 25 years old, just because you are afraid and selfish.

[Anonymous]

I think she’s too vulnerable to leave her there for a week when you don’t know the facility yet. I wouldn’t be comfortable with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't lie.
The paint the house thing is better.

Um, you realize the house painting is a lie, correct?

[Anonymous]

Yes but it's better than dumping her there after "lunch."

[Anonymous]

No, I would not do either.

We told MIL that she now had an apartment (facility) and a home (her own) and when FIL left, he told her he had to run back to the house to get a few things they needed for the apartment and then he would be back. He visited every day. Also took her out for drives a lot. She asked for awhile about oging back to the house and they told her it was being repaired (which was true, they were doing some renovations) and he showed her pictures of the renovations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some yes, some no. No contact for a week is cruel.

That would be a huge red flag to me. I have never encountered that and would not choose a facility that wanted that.

Agree, what will they be doing that they don’t want you to see? Ignoring her until she is complacent? Memory care should welcome visitors as it brightens up the place. My mom’s memory care - they loved seeing family visit as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No contact for a week is pretty standard. I am wondering if the people reacting like this is the most cruel thing ever have received or acted on this advice before?

What is actually cruel is to do is to string someone along who is adjusting and force them to re-start every day or half day. A week allows them to adjust to a new normal and acclimate to what is NOW their LIFE in a healthy and real way.

It's like if you have a kindergartener who didn't like being at kindergarten all day. The school would not let you go visit twice a day because...every day would be a miserable re-start and would hamper their adjustment and affect other kids. Same for residents.

If she is adjusting well, believe me, no one will bar you from entry or discourage you from visiting. They just want you to prepare for being a cooperative partner in her care by employing this best practice that is difficult but ultimately, humane, and it works.

Best of luck, OP. They will likely have her pretend she works there in some capacity, give her jobs to do. It's actually a really fortunate set up that she's old hat. They know her history, right?

Thank you for providing the alternative perspective. I don't know if I agree, but, I do understand a bit better. I don't think it is quite like Kindergarten because you are not lying to kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm so on the fence about the not visiting for a week. As someone who had to leave my dad in a rehab a few times, I can't imagine not visiting for a week (though mentally he was still mostly there).

As a medical provider, I do get why they may feel family coming and going may be disruptive to them settling in. Unfortunately I see it all the time in patients in the hospital with Alzheimer's and other memory issues where their behavior ramps up after family leaves for the day. Now usually we invite a family member to stay in that situation to keep them calm instead of banning them, but I get that's not doable in a nursing home setting. Can you talk to the facility more about the no visits? I can see why having your FIL not visit may be a good idea, but maybe having another family member would be ok. I really hate the idea of no one being able to check on her for an entire week.

therapeutic lying is weird and I think if you haven't had to experience it, you don't get why it's so needed. The conversations I've had with patients where I just play into their world is wild. I once stood with a patient at his window and had a 15 min conversation about the movie John Travolta was filming outside (there was nothing but an alley with a dumpster). But in the end he took the meds I needed him to take and got ready for bed and I had an entertaining break from work so .win win.