Reply to AP to “Stepmom”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How do you

“Work on understanding yourself so that you can see how you ended up with the kind of person who walks out on his family for another woman because he's "in love" ??

I’m puzzled by this advice. Sooo many women post about cheating husbands. Did we all fundamentally pick bad husbands? I picked a man with an MDiv. Never ever would have thought he’d blow up our family for an AP.

[quote=Anonymous]I have minimized the AP in my mind so that she has nothing to do with my marriage or my divorce. She's just a symptom who is inheriting a person who is so damaged I almost feel sorry for her. She doesn't know what's coming. I'm sorry you have young children involved. Mine are older but it was still so painful to realize that she would inevitably become part of their lives.  If you can reframe your perspective on her it might help. Their relationship might blow up or it might last for the rest of their lives so planning for her to be a part of your kids' lives is probably prudent.

I would focus on working on yourself so you can be the stable parent. Work on understanding yourself so that you can see how you ended up with the kind of person who walks out on his family for another woman because he's "in love". Give yourself a lot of grace. The stronger you are, the better a mom you can be.

I'm no longer focused on why my ex behaved as he did (and continues to behave). It doesn't matter. I have better insight into why I was drawn to a person like that. What my ex does and who he does it with isn't my concern. It's probably more helpful not to villainize her if she is going to be around your children. Try to neutralize her.  I'm in your corner and I'm sorry. I don't think any of us wanted to be in this club. [/quote][/quote] Well yeah, in my case my picker has been broken in every relationship but one (not this one) . I was already in therapy trying to figure out my life when everything blew up. I have had to take a really hard look at patterns in my life. My marriage was a continuation of life long patterns. I'm not mad at myself - I'm glad I'm able to see some things about myself that I was never able to face til recently. My ex is a nightmare but that actually has nothing to do with how I got to this place. I chose to be with someone like him. Our marriage blew up when I was finally ready to start confronting things about myself and changing things about myself. I don't speak for everyone. This is what works for me.[/quote]

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