How do you get over jealousy, when your child is the only one not going to a top college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, being a bad mom, sore loser. In our circle all the kids did exceptional but mine, of course we have ADD going for us. I don't show it to my son but it's eating me up alive.

OP, I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Accept your son for who he is, which is awesome.

This, OP! I’m sure you have an absolutely amazing kid. They can’t take that.

[Anonymous]

Read or listen to the book ‘Never Enough’ by Jennifer Breheny Wallace. I believe it may help you figure out why this is not the ‘end of the world’ as it may appear to you now and help you see how you can be a more supportive mom by adjusting your perspective. College acceptances is not a competitive sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get therapy.

This is about making your kid feel excited about the next phase of his life. Not whether you have some thing to brag about.

NP. Good advice above for you, OP. Read the book someone suggested, which sounds useful, and consider therapy. If you already are in therapy, you need to bring this up there frankly, and not shy away from it. As this PP rightly puts it, this is about your son's next step in life, not about you.

If you think, well, this'll pass, I don't need to get therapy or read stuff, please consider: If you feel THIS devastated by where he's going to college, or where he's not going, how might you feel as other stages of his life come along? What if he doesn't choose the major you wanted him to choose, the one you thought was more prestigious or lucrative? Willl you focus on how it's the right major for him and he loves it--or will any happiness for him get eaten up by your own disappointment and leeriness about how it all looks to your friend circle? What happens if...he graduates in five years instead of four, for some reason? He doesn't get into the grad school that looks more prestigious, or doesn't go to grad school at all, though you'd hoped he would? The list can go on, and extends beyond academic issues to his first job, his partners, etc.

That's why you need some help with serious introspection abot your feelings here. You need to be excited for and supportive of your young adult, not eaten up by how your child measures up to other people's children.

[Anonymous]

It’s tough. I’ve been there. After a couple years, it seems these same kids get the perfect internships too. It’s like when does my kid catch a break?! But try to stay positive and play the long game. Life’s not about catching the next golden nugget.

[Anonymous]

Stop seeking out information about what other people are doing. Don’t compare. Focus on the exciting opportunities available to your kid. Every college has them. Narrow your focus. That’s how to avoid jealousy.

[Anonymous]

This is the kind of mom that makes DC unbearable.

[Anonymous]

Blame DH and move on.

[Anonymous]

I assume you are saving money so count your dollars.

DD is valedictorian and may go to the top State School, which is not known nationally. She wants to save money for medical school. If this comes to pass, yes, the rest of the top 10 will be going ivy or similar. Folks may not understand and may whisper about her. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it but isn't it still super early in the process?

Not really too early. My dc applied early to Towson, UMBC, Loyola (MD) and a larger school in dc that I have a masters degree from in the fall. He was accepted to all of them (not surprising) and knows where he’s going.

A friend asked where he’s applied and accepted (the one that has his specific major interest). She may have felt judgmental and I don’t know whether she was or not and don’t really care. This is what my dc wants and I am allowing him to be who he is.

I went to a small state university (college) for undergrad. Later earned a few masters degrees at bigger well known yet not top 25 schools. I’m just fine career and otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most seniors don’t know where they’re going. Focus on fit. You found a place where your DC will be happy. It’s not any ranking.

My senior knows where he’s going. Others may laugh or look down upon it/him. And he’s not stressed out about it all. I’m PP who posted before this post.

[Anonymous]

Understand that just bc their DC got into a top ranked college doesn’t mean they have a perfect life. Plus there is not one recipe for “success”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, being a bad mom, sore loser. In our circle all the kids did exceptional but mine, of course we have ADD going for us. I don't show it to my son but it's eating me up alive.

You are also human. OP, it will hurt. But try your darndest best now to show it to your son. Believe me, the moment graduation happens, summer starts, where the kid is going to college stops mattering less day by day. Focus on making your son strong for the place he is headed to.

Your jealousy is temporary but if you let your son feel it, he will remember it for ever.

Go for runs. Look up successful people who went to less than top colleges and are doing so well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a ton of people that went to Towson, Salisbury, JMU, ODU etc who are super successful, so I wasn’t delusional enough to believe that this really mattered.

This. Read bios of CEOs of F500 companies. Plenty of range in there!

[Anonymous]

I know its hard to believe right now, but once he graduates and goes to college, you'll never think about this again. We were in a similar situation many years ago, and it can be hard because other people's reactions can be shockingly rude. I'm sure your DS feels it too. Focus on the fact that he has a decision and can enjoy Senior Year, which is pretty great.