How do you get over jealousy, when your child is the only one not going to a top college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give it a few months. No one will care where kids go. It’s a moment where everyone wants to show off. Your kid will be fine and so will you.

This is such a negative response. College is where you will spend the next four years, where you make lifelong friendships, where you may meet your spouse. It is not just to show off.

I often have this feeling that people are not happy for me. I don’t want to say they are jealous but they don’t seem happy for my wins.

You can meet a successful spouse at a ***gasp**** state school.

There are smart motivated students everywhere. If anything, it's easier at a state school, because there is more diversity academically

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a ton of people that went to Towson, Salisbury, JMU, ODU etc who are super successful, so I wasn’t delusional enough to believe that this really mattered.

This. I was bummed DS needed to go instate (which limited choices) due to finances, but also realize that in the vast majority of cases it didn't matter. My co-worker who went to Ivy grad and undergrad and I have the same job with same salaries (I went to mid level state colleges.) ALSO I knew my kid with ADHD wouldn't have been successful at a top tier school....

Yes, you don't want a pressure cooker environment for most ADHD kids. You want a place with profs that actually teach well, that have accommodations in place (so you can get your notes from a note taker, etc), and a collaborative place. The goal is to get your kid to thrive. My ADHD kid hated school by end of HS, but knew college was the key to a better career (the kid had no interest in HVAC/Electrical/Plumbing/etc). So they got accepted everywhere they applied and landed at a T100 school with excellent merit. Changed majors along the way but graduated in 4 years, with an excellent job at a great company and is doing well 3 years later. That's the goal---for them to graduate and get a job. My kid loves their job and is doing very well. That is because of how hard they work, and it shows in their job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, being a bad mom, sore loser. In our circle all the kids did exceptional but mine, of course we have ADD going for us. I don't show it to my son but it's eating me up alive.

Was the result a surprise?
Your kid was probably never going to be an academic superstar.
He is probably not going to crack the code on fusion reactors or develop artificial intelligence.

Neither will my kid or 99.9% of other kids.

But my kid is going to be a better adult husband and father than I ever was and I am proud of the man he is becoming.
He is smart but more like good virginia state school smart, not necessarily ivy league smart.
But he is more emotionally mature and independent than any of his smarter friends.

Is there nothing about your son that you are proud of?
I'd bet there is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you will soon get used to your lower status in your friend group but you have to be honest with yourself - if your kid got into an inferior college because he was a low-achiever in high school, this was the result of bad parenting and quite properly reflects poorly on you.

Very harsh and unfair to OP. A lot of things can happen to kids in high school that are beyond the parents’ control. The parents can provide all the nurturing, encouragement and resources in the world, but it’s ultimately on the kid. We need to stop treating a college admit as some kind of prize for good parenting.

+1 to this. The posts painting a kid's college admission results as "reflecting poorly" on how the kid was parented are just cruel trolls. Either that, or they are so stupid they genuinely cannot comprehend that things other than parenting affect college admissions. How shallow and ill-informed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best way to get over this is to get yourself a life, sweetie pie. Find a hobby!! You'll need one when buddy boy goes to college anyway.

DCUM overall seems to be getting meaner recently, and this post is an example. There's a kernel of decent advice here -- let it go, focus on what you'll be doing once your DC goes to college -- but PP wraps it in such sarcastic superiority, anything good gets entirely lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you will soon get used to your lower status in your friend group but you have to be honest with yourself - if your kid got into an inferior college because he was a low-achiever in high school, this was the result of bad parenting and quite properly reflects poorly on you.

NP- I know you're just being mean and I should ignore, but you've captured how I feel. My DS is probably going to his safety and I feel like I messed up somehow and let him down. Trouble is, he has a great (not perfect) GPA, took all the right courses and did all the right ECs. Still, the admissions process won. He doesn't love his targets anymore and didn't get into his ED reach. So either he gets excited about a target (which I'm not excited about either) or he goes to the safety he always loved (but is the lowest ranked school of all his high-achieving friends, by far).
I could have written OP's post. This whole process is not for the weak if you have a top 25% of their class kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you will soon get used to your lower status in your friend group but you have to be honest with yourself - if your kid got into an inferior college because he was a low-achiever in high school, this was the result of bad parenting and quite properly reflects poorly on you.

NP- I know you're just being mean and I should ignore, but you've captured how I feel. My DS is probably going to his safety and I feel like I messed up somehow and let him down. Trouble is, he has a great (not perfect) GPA, took all the right courses and did all the right ECs. Still, the admissions process won. He doesn't love his targets anymore and didn't get into his ED reach. So either he gets excited about a target (which I'm not excited about either) or he goes to the safety he always loved (but is the lowest ranked school of all his high-achieving friends, by far).
I could have written OP's post. This whole process is not for the weak if you have a top 25% of their class kid.

What is wrong with this outcome? He goes to a school he loves! That's great!

FWIW, my top 25% of class kids both are at safeties that they love and it was a non issue with their friends because they are not a**holes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may not tell your kid, but believe me he probably knows. Focus on where he is happy to be going and encourage him to make the most of his time there.

This ridiculous notion that you are defined by where you go to college is quite frankly toxic and stupid and being ashamed of your own kid based on thing is even worse. You are his parent, start acting like it.

Don’t 20% of DC private school kids apply elsewhere as college transfer students? Certainly is Sidwells dirty little secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, being a bad mom, sore loser. In our circle all the kids did exceptional but mine, of course we have ADD going for us. I don't show it to my son but it's eating me up alive.

So despite top scores, competitive ECs, great grades on tough classes, he didn’t get in to comparable colleges?

Or how was he tracking the whole time?

Just make peace with it.

[Anonymous]

NP- All this brings back memories of how I disappointed my parents were at the time, I didn't go to top Asian 'tiered' college. I ended up doing okay in life, changed careers too; I've been very satisfied with how my life turned out, but you will be amazed how references come up about how successful you were in your younger "workdays." Women bring up when they were once a VP, director and that they have a master's degree. It's like they have to let you know they are one above you to validate themselves. I don't let it get to me since it was years ago, but academic and professional history do come up later in life in......... casual conversations. Their children's colleges are always referenced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give it a few months. No one will care where kids go. It’s a moment where everyone wants to show off. Your kid will be fine and so will you.

This is such a negative response. College is where you will spend the next four years, where you make lifelong friendships, where you may meet your spouse. It is not just to show off.

I often have this feeling that people are not happy for me. I don’t want to say they are jealous but they don’t seem happy for my wins.

Who in the world meets their spouse in college? You’re 18-22 years old. Barely out of the teen years!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give it a few months. No one will care where kids go. It’s a moment where everyone wants to show off. Your kid will be fine and so will you.

This is such a negative response. College is where you will spend the next four years, where you make lifelong friendships, where you may meet your spouse. It is not just to show off.

I often have this feeling that people are not happy for me. I don’t want to say they are jealous but they don’t seem happy for my wins.

Who in the world meets their spouse in college? You’re 18-22 years old. Barely out of the teen years!

It’s the smart move for a hot girl to lock down a high-earning man now before he realizes what a catch he’ll be. Go for the genius nerd who will be stunned someone like this is even looking at him. Get the breast enhancement surgery during your 20s on his dime before you have kids. Then when he gets to his early 30s and realizes what a catch he’s become, you’re ten years in and will secure generous child support and alimony. Then she can lock down the lifetime partner the way Lauren Sanchez did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, being a bad mom, sore loser. In our circle all the kids did exceptional but mine, of course we have ADD going for us. I don't show it to my son but it's eating me up alive.

You are pathetic, OP. Stop basing your happiness on your child’s success. Not going to Yale isn’t the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give it a few months. No one will care where kids go. It’s a moment where everyone wants to show off. Your kid will be fine and so will you.

This is such a negative response. College is where you will spend the next four years, where you make lifelong friendships, where you may meet your spouse. It is not just to show off.

I often have this feeling that people are not happy for me. I don’t want to say they are jealous but they don’t seem happy for my wins.

Who in the world meets their spouse in college? You’re 18-22 years old. Barely out of the teen years!

It’s the smart move for a hot girl to lock down a high-earning man now before he realizes what a catch he’ll be. Go for the genius nerd who will be stunned someone like this is even looking at him. Get the breast enhancement surgery during your 20s on his dime before you have kids. Then when he gets to his early 30s and realizes what a catch he’s become, you’re ten years in and will secure generous child support and alimony. Then she can lock down the lifetime partner the way Lauren Sanchez did.

This is a hard way to earn money.

I'd rather have my own career.

[Anonymous]

Why is it eating you up? Reevaluate your priorities. You'll never be able to fully love and support your child- your actual child with all of their flaws and beauty- if this is your attitude.