How do you get over jealousy, when your child is the only one not going to a top college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a ton of people that went to Towson, Salisbury, JMU, ODU etc who are super successful, so I wasn’t delusional enough to believe that this really mattered.

This. I was bummed DS needed to go instate (which limited choices) due to finances, but also realize that in the vast majority of cases it didn't matter. My co-worker who went to Ivy grad and undergrad and I have the same job with same salaries (I went to mid level state colleges.) ALSO I knew my kid with ADHD wouldn't have been successful at a top tier school....

Yes, you don't want a pressure cooker environment for most ADHD kids. You want a place with profs that actually teach well, that have accommodations in place (so you can get your notes from a note taker, etc), and a collaborative place. The goal is to get your kid to thrive. My ADHD kid hated school by end of HS, but knew college was the key to a better career (the kid had no interest in HVAC/Electrical/Plumbing/etc). So they got accepted everywhere they applied and landed at a T100 school with excellent merit. Changed majors along the way but graduated in 4 years, with an excellent job at a great company and is doing well 3 years later. That's the goal---for them to graduate and get a job. My kid loves their job and is doing very well. That is because of how hard they work, and it shows in their job.

If your kid is ADHD then it behooves them to go somewhere that REALLY wants them. That school will work with the kid as they grow and figure out how to mitigate those issues. That incentive is even more important than the specific services the Student Support Center offers.

It’s like a Mormon 4-star basketball talent telling coaches that they want to take on a 2-year mission before entering college. BYU will say “fine” because not just because they believe in the concept but because they would never sniff such a talent otherwise. But Duke or Kentucky? They’ll laugh and say yeah, OK, next. That 4-star to them is a dime a dozen.

Don’t be a dime a dozen if you’re ADHD. Sacrifice on undergraduate “prestige” for investment and nurturing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, being a bad mom, sore loser. In our circle all the kids did exceptional but mine, of course we have ADD going for us. I don't show it to my son but it's eating me up alive.

I drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, being a bad mom, sore loser. In our circle all the kids did exceptional but mine, of course we have ADD going for us. I don't show it to my son but it's eating me up alive.

I drink.

I eat carbs and chocolate.

[Anonymous]

OP, you know as well as I do, you wouldn't swap your kid out for any other. Also, don't socialize with people who have the tools to make you feel bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you know as well as I do, you wouldn't swap your kid out for any other. Also, don't socialize with people who have the tools to make you feel bad.

Agree and frankly limiting time on here as some people are just cruel for sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give it a few months. No one will care where kids go. It’s a moment where everyone wants to show off. Your kid will be fine and so will you.

This is such a negative response. College is where you will spend the next four years, where you make lifelong friendships, where you may meet your spouse. It is not just to show off.

I often have this feeling that people are not happy for me. I don’t want to say they are jealous but they don’t seem happy for my wins.

Who in the world meets their spouse in college? You’re 18-22 years old. Barely out of the teen years!

You are advising your kid poorly if you tell them to wait. Much harder to meet a spouse “organically” once out of college/grad school. You will never be around such a large group of compatible potential spouses as when you’re in college. (After that it’s pretty much go on the apps, ugh.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give it a few months. No one will care where kids go. It’s a moment where everyone wants to show off. Your kid will be fine and so will you.

This is such a negative response. College is where you will spend the next four years, where you make lifelong friendships, where you may meet your spouse. It is not just to show off.

I often have this feeling that people are not happy for me. I don’t want to say they are jealous but they don’t seem happy for my wins.

Who in the world meets their spouse in college? You’re 18-22 years old. Barely out of the teen years!

You are advising your kid poorly if you tell them to wait. Much harder to meet a spouse “organically” once out of college/grad school. You will never be around such a large group of compatible potential spouses as when you’re in college. (After that it’s pretty much go on the apps, ugh.)

No, you’re advising your kid poorly if you tell them they need to find a spouse in college. If they do, great, but weird to encourage it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give it a few months. No one will care where kids go. It’s a moment where everyone wants to show off. Your kid will be fine and so will you.

This is such a negative response. College is where you will spend the next four years, where you make lifelong friendships, where you may meet your spouse. It is not just to show off.

I often have this feeling that people are not happy for me. I don’t want to say they are jealous but they don’t seem happy for my wins.

Who in the world meets their spouse in college? You’re 18-22 years old. Barely out of the teen years!

You are advising your kid poorly if you tell them to wait. Much harder to meet a spouse “organically” once out of college/grad school. You will never be around such a large group of compatible potential spouses as when you’re in college. (After that it’s pretty much go on the apps, ugh.)

Wow, I'm so glad you were not my parent! My college boyfriend was controlling, insecure and had anger issues. I'm so glad I finally had the balls to break up with him during my 1L year in law school. Turns out that my 18 year old self was not a good picker!

[Anonymous]

To answer Op's question -- If your world is so small that your view is everyone around your child is going to a top college -- you are the problem. You are the biggest problem in your child's life. Reality check is needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, being a bad mom, sore loser. In our circle all the kids did exceptional but mine, of course we have ADD going for us. I don't show it to my son but it's eating me up alive.

I have two kids. Neither of them are lemmings. They don't care where - or if - anyone else goes to college. One didn't even initially want to go to college, though they are there now pursuing the one thing that clearly makes them happy. They still don't care about the level of prestige of the school or that others have gone to more elite ones. The other cares about only ONE college because it checks the boxes and has a high level program for an activity they do.

As a parent, there is always that feeling and those thoughts whenever friends taut their kids' successes and more prestigious schools. But I know my kids are pursuing what they WANT, what serves THEIR goals, and more importantly that THEY are not bothered in the least by where other kids are applying, being admitted, or attending. I am PROUD of MY kids for being INDEPENDENTLY minded and CONFIDENT about THEMSELVES, about what they are doing, and about where they are doing it.

20 years from now, those kids' coworkers will ask "where'd you go to school" and be momentarily impressed when they say Harvard or whatever. Then they don't give it another thought and continue on. With less debt.

Those kid's coworkers will mostly have gone to the same schools and most all of them will have very little debt left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give it a few months. No one will care where kids go. It’s a moment where everyone wants to show off. Your kid will be fine and so will you.

This is such a negative response. College is where you will spend the next four years, where you make lifelong friendships, where you may meet your spouse. It is not just to show off.

I often have this feeling that people are not happy for me. I don’t want to say they are jealous but they don’t seem happy for my wins.

Who in the world meets their spouse in college? You’re 18-22 years old. Barely out of the teen years!

You are advising your kid poorly if you tell them to wait. Much harder to meet a spouse “organically” once out of college/grad school. You will never be around such a large group of compatible potential spouses as when you’re in college. (After that it’s pretty much go on the apps, ugh.)

Dating apps have significantly higher divorce rates and women in particular are extremely dissatisfied with marriages from dating apps because the dating apps highlight the man's physical characteristics, and it turns out that a man's height is not the secret to a woman's long term happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a ton of people that went to Towson, Salisbury, JMU, ODU etc who are super successful, so I wasn’t delusional enough to believe that this really mattered.

This. I was bummed DS needed to go instate (which limited choices) due to finances, but also realize that in the vast majority of cases it didn't matter. My co-worker who went to Ivy grad and undergrad and I have the same job with same salaries (I went to mid level state colleges.) ALSO I knew my kid with ADHD wouldn't have been successful at a top tier school....

Yes, you don't want a pressure cooker environment for most ADHD kids. You want a place with profs that actually teach well, that have accommodations in place (so you can get your notes from a note taker, etc), and a collaborative place. The goal is to get your kid to thrive. My ADHD kid hated school by end of HS, but knew college was the key to a better career (the kid had no interest in HVAC/Electrical/Plumbing/etc). So they got accepted everywhere they applied and landed at a T100 school with excellent merit. Changed majors along the way but graduated in 4 years, with an excellent job at a great company and is doing well 3 years later. That's the goal---for them to graduate and get a job. My kid loves their job and is doing very well. That is because of how hard they work, and it shows in their job.

If your kid is ADHD then it behooves them to go somewhere that REALLY wants them. That school will work with the kid as they grow and figure out how to mitigate those issues. That incentive is even more important than the specific services the Student Support Center offers.

It’s like a Mormon 4-star basketball talent telling coaches that they want to take on a 2-year mission before entering college. BYU will say “fine” because not just because they believe in the concept but because they would never sniff such a talent otherwise. But Duke or Kentucky? They’ll laugh and say yeah, OK, next. That 4-star to them is a dime a dozen.

Don’t be a dime a dozen if you’re ADHD. Sacrifice on undergraduate “prestige” for investment and nurturing.

Love this!!! Fit is so important, especially for ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the real world, where not everyone is above average. That's just reality.

You ambition for your child should for his happiness, health, and reasonable financial security as an adult. Ambitions around where he is educated are fine and dandy, but shouldn't be so important that disappointment in that area matters much. Neither happiness, nor health, nor reasonable financial security are necessarily correlated with where someone went to school.