Reply to That “done” feeling- how long can it last?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "That “done” feeling- how long can it last?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues.  Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

[b]We have a very nice, stable, middle class life.  We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends.[/b]  We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him.  Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it.  I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us.  I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement.  But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on.  I’m not actively miserable, either.  It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this?  What did you do in the end?[/quote]

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve.  It’s midlife.  Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote  (bold above).  You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older.  It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together. [/quote]

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement.  DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person.  Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction.  It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no.  This worries me because it is so persistent.  There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.  [/quote]

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either.  I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst.  I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things.  Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too.  He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again.  Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way.  I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good. [/quote]

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now.  There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right?  A very solid foundation.  I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling?  Why don’t I feel positive about the future?  Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go?  Why do I feel so detached from him?  I don’t know these answers.  I just don’t want to be married to him anymore.  It is hard to explain.[/quote]

Perimenopause

I’m not even joking.  Women’s hormones in 40/50s do a mental number. I had a lot of anger and anxiety and annoyance- long before I really considered the correlation. [/quote]

My perimenopause symptoms are cyclical and I REALLY hate him during those times but this is beyond that.  It’s like I’ll be out with a friend having a nice time and they’ll say “you and DH seem to be doing well,” and I’ll seize up and want to scream NO.  Just a screaming NO in his direction.  Obviously I am not that unique here but it seems bizarre to me.[/quote]

My friends and I went through that - but honesty helped. We learned most of us were going through the same thing. My neighbor (good friends) a few years older—we witnessed their hard time and now their kids are in college and they are traveling, at concerts and so full of life. Happy.

You are seriously describing any long term marriage. [/quote]

Wow, I didn't know others felt like this. 
Thank you, and thank you op for posting.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics