He’s not a breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is my best friend. I have a very successful career that I find fulfilling - he gave up his job to focus on our family and is an awesome dad and husband. Like many SAHM's he is not super organized or focused on cleaning but he is focused on the kids, what they need done. I've never had to do carpool or dr checkups unless i want to can travel or work w/out having conflicts w/ his work schedule etc.. Don't really get all the people claiming this is impossible or SAHD's have to be a male martha stewart when all SAHM's don't meet those standards

Because you're describing how he is after a long time and with kids. You're seeing how your DH is after life has reached the parenting level of difficulty. OP is saying her boyfriend is disorganized and unmotivated and they don't have kids yet. Totally different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is an amazing man. He’s very smart, hilarious, gentle, kind, emotionally available, and very loving.

His one bad trait is that he’s not a breadwinner. His career is unorganized, he hates his job, is underemployed, and has no ambition.

We are mid-late 30s and want kids asap.

I have a good career and make pretty good money. I never planned to be the primary breadwinner though. I think I could financially swing it, if he remains supportive and I rev up my career more. if you’ve taken a similar path, any regrets?

I’m actually not against SAHDs or “primary parent” dads at all. But the bold here gives me pause. It does not sound at all like he would be good at carrying a larger mental load at home or with the kids. If he is not into cooking, and is not into planning/organizing/meticulously keeping track of things, you will just end up needing to do all those things on top of making most or all do the money.

+1
Good SAH parents are organized and ambitious (for this children). You will be the one organizing all the kids stuff, camps, schools, doctor/dentist appointments on top of supporting the household financially. He won’t be organized enough to keep a clean house, keep the children’s clothing clean and well fitted, stocking the fridge, and preparing meals. It will all fall to you and you will resent him. You’ll be one of the millions of posters who complain incessantly about how their DH doesn’t do anything blah blah blah. If you are ok will being his mommy and your kids mommy because he’s sweet and makes you laugh go for it. You can do better.

And yeah, “boy moms” take note - you should not raise your sons to be disorganized and unable to care for their home and children. If they are going to be SAH parents they need to be organized and rise to the challenge. And if they are going to be “breadwinners” they also cannot be disorganized and unable to keep a job.

This guy sounds like a loser.

[Anonymous]

OP will be here 2 years later whining how her husband is such a loser and can’t support the family so she can be with the kids. Don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this would make me really nervous. Not because I would mind being the breadwinner, but because I want an equal partner who can pull his own weight (and I don't just mean financially). A man who lacks ambition is a total turnoff and a deal-breaker for me. Only you can decide if you are OK with who he is and what he has to offer.

+1

He wants to have children, ok. Whether he wants to be an active partner and father is another question, and the history suggests that the answer is no.

[Anonymous]

Hating his job is also a red flag. Why does he have this job if he hates it so much? Why doesn't he motivate to get a different job?

If he were the right person for this breadwinner setup, he would be thinking "How can I use this time to get a job that I like better, and that is well-suited to my future parenting responsibilities?" He wouldn't be just sitting around complaining to his girlfriend that he hates his job. I've never thought someone needs to work full-time if they can meet their financial needs part-time, but there's no reason for him to stay in a job he dislikes.

OP, how much sympathy will you have for the whole "I hate my job and I don't earn much" routine when you become a working mom?

[Anonymous]

This is a case study on how much SAHDs get judged negatively despite the endless comments that “standards are so low for men”…oh really? This thread looks to prove that standards are actually higher for SAHDs than Moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a case study on how much SAHDs get judged negatively despite the endless comments that “standards are so low for men”…oh really? This thread looks to prove that standards are actually higher for SAHDs than Moms.

My brother's a stay at home dad because his wife took a job in another country and he's had some issues finding a place that he can work on his visa. However he makes dinner every night, takes care of the kids, handles the kids' schools, and all the typical SAH parent stuff. But is this guy capable of that, given how he approaches work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a case study on how much SAHDs get judged negatively despite the endless comments that “standards are so low for men”…oh really? This thread looks to prove that standards are actually higher for SAHDs than Moms.

Does it? I really don't see what OP has said that indicates this guy will make a good SAHD. Doesn't clean, hates his job but doesn't change it, cooks lavish meals (children hate lavish meals!), doesn't earn much money to save for his future on one income... see, ideally a future good SAHD would be cognizant of what adult life costs and that it's good to have some savings if you're planning to do it on one income. Has he even noticed that, or is it OP's problem to solve?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a case study on how much SAHDs get judged negatively despite the endless comments that “standards are so low for men”…oh really? This thread looks to prove that standards are actually higher for SAHDs than Moms.

My brother's a stay at home dad because his wife took a job in another country and he's had some issues finding a place that he can work on his visa. However he makes dinner every night, takes care of the kids, handles the kids' schools, and all the typical SAH parent stuff. But is this guy capable of that, given how he approaches work?

Maybe, maybe not. But I guarantee that you can’t find a single DCUM thread that reads as harshly against a man asking about a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't sounds like he'd be a good enough partner, OP. That is huge once kids are involved.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. Back to digging.

[Anonymous]

These responses are very DCUM. Not very real world. A lot of people don’t set the world on fire professionally. You can still be a good person and good parent.

OP since you’re asking here I think you have concerns. And that’s fine! But no one here can answer as to if he’ll be a good parent, you have the best info on him.

My BFF has a toddler with a man like this. All I can say is PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE! Her husband had a decent but not great job when they met. He was a lot of fun but a little lazy. My friend is the up at 5:00, hit the gym, good job, always busy type. There is no way that she would have stayed with him if she wasn’t in her late 30’s when they got serious. But she really wanted a baby. He just goes along with what she wants. Does what she tells him to. I don’t have kids (by choice) and I wouldn’t want someone like him but it is working ok. She is a little bit of a control freak so in a way it works. But he doesn’t take the initiative for anything. On the other hand, he is much more mellow than she is, and their baby probably benefits from his patience and general good mood. But she is always going to the more responsible of the two.

[Anonymous]

I had kids with someone who was not a breadwinner. It was a huge mistake. It was reflective of the fact that he didn't care to find something he could work hard enough at to support kids, buy a house, save for retirement and save for college. It takes 2 incomes to do that well these days and, god
forbid someone gets sick or laid off each person has to be able to earn to support a family alone.

It was also reflective of the fact that he is fine living off of someone else or slumming it. I regret making that choice - in the end he wasn't a good dad, even apart from the finances.

[Anonymous]

So what’s he doing about his “disorganized” career? And what are his prospects for success?

I want you to imagine yourself pregnant, experiencing a complication that puts you on bed rest. What does 6-9 months out of work do to you financially?

Are you willing to:

Leave a newborn in the NICU to return to work.

Return to work still bleeding postpartum if you run out of maternity leave.

Use daycare, public school, and assume your kids will have student loans.

If all of this is fine with you, and you can live that life without any resentment or wanting more, move ahead.

If you can’t, be honest with yourself about that, and keep looking

[Anonymous]

Money aside, he can't be that good a guy if he can't find any tolerable work at part-time hours.