He’s not a breadwinner

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is an amazing man. He’s very smart, hilarious, gentle, kind, emotionally available, and very loving.

His one bad trait is that he’s not a breadwinner. His career is unorganized, he hates his job, is underemployed, and has no ambition.

We are mid-late 30s and want kids asap.

I have a good career and make pretty good money. I never planned to be the primary breadwinner though. I think I could financially swing it, if he remains supportive and I rev up my career more. if you’ve taken a similar path, any regrets?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is an amazing man. He’s very smart, hilarious, gentle, kind, emotionally available, and very loving.

His one bad trait is that he’s not a breadwinner. His career is unorganized, he hates his job, is underemployed, and has no ambition.

We are mid-late 30s and want kids asap.

I have a good career and make pretty good money. I never planned to be the primary breadwinner though. I think I could financially swing it, if he remains supportive and I rev up my career more. if you’ve taken a similar path, any regrets?

Ick. Don’t have kids with this loser. You’ll grow to hate him.

[Anonymous]

Don’t marry him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t marry him.

Actually, more importantly, don’t have kids with him.

[Anonymous]

He is not a man unless he can support you. All you boy moms pay attention.

[Anonymous]

Didn't you already post this? If it wasn't you, you can search for additional responses.

However, as mentioned here, you will grow to hate him. He will not get better, and if he's so disorganized it's not realistic to think he will make a good stay at home dad. Sounds like he doesn't want to grow up.

Do not have kids with this guy. You are setting yourself up for a world of anger, frustration, having to do most of the household work and child raising.

[Anonymous]

He's not ambitious and is underemployed. I wouldn't trust him to be a good main parent. He'd plop babies in front of the tv and have a mess for you to come home and clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is an amazing man. He’s very smart, hilarious, gentle, kind, emotionally available, and very loving.

His one bad trait is that he’s not a breadwinner. His career is unorganized, he hates his job, is underemployed, and has no ambition.

We are mid-late 30s and want kids asap.

I have a good career and make pretty good money. I never planned to be the primary breadwinner though. I think I could financially swing it, if he remains supportive and I rev up my career more. if you’ve taken a similar path, any regrets?

I’m actually not against SAHDs or “primary parent” dads at all. But the bold here gives me pause. It does not sound at all like he would be good at carrying a larger mental load at home or with the kids. If he is not into cooking, and is not into planning/organizing/meticulously keeping track of things, you will just end up needing to do all those things on top of making most or all do the money.

[Anonymous]

What are your expectations of him as a coparent?

Based on how well you know him now, would meeting those expectations be a change from how he currently approaches his life?

Eg, do you expect him to notice when a diaper needs to be changed and change it, including properly disposing of the dirty diaper and knowing where clean diapers are?

Does he currently notice when the trash needs to be taken out, including putting a new bag in the can?

You mention that he isn’t ambitious. I’m not sure if you mean that he isn’t ambitious professionally, or that he’s not motivated personally. If he is a passive person, you should expect a passive coparent. If you expect him to be the primary parent because you expect to take on more of the earning responsibilities, then consider the extent to which he is engaged or involved in any activities. How are his executive functioning skills? Does he plan things and follow through? How does he spend his free time?

[Anonymous]

OP, this would make me really nervous. Not because I would mind being the breadwinner, but because I want an equal partner who can pull his own weight (and I don't just mean financially). A man who lacks ambition is a total turnoff and a deal-breaker for me. Only you can decide if you are OK with who he is and what he has to offer.

[Anonymous]

Would you be thinking about marrying and having kids with him if you were 6-10 years younger?

It’s okay if the answer is no and you do it anyway. But be honest with yourself about it, because he isn’t going to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you be thinking about marrying and having kids with him if you were 6-10 years younger?

It’s okay if the answer is no and you do it anyway. But be honest with yourself about it, because he isn’t going to change.

OP here. This is a good question. I think I’d still consider it. We have a strong emotional connection and I find that hard to come by.

To add more info. He’s a great cook, frugal shopper, and does take out the trash (he takes out my trash without me asking and we don’t live together). I think he can be depended upon to shuttle kids around and get them to their appointments.

When I say he’s not ambitious I mean in his career. He has no plan for achieving career goals, and doesn’t seem to be passionate about his career.

I wouldn’t want him to be a SAHD. I’m envisioning him continuing to work but picking the slack up with kids, because I will have to be in overdrive to earn more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is not a man unless he can support you. All you boy moms pay attention.

When the person having the babies and being their primary source of sustenance and survival for 5-13 years is also the breadwinner, many marriages cannot survive the level of support that requires and stress that creates on said woman.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be thinking about marrying and having kids with him if you were 6-10 years younger?

It’s okay if the answer is no and you do it anyway. But be honest with yourself about it, because he isn’t going to change.

OP here. This is a good question. I think I’d still consider it. We have a strong emotional connection and I find that hard to come by.

To add more info. He’s a great cook, frugal shopper, and does take out the trash (he takes out my trash without me asking and we don’t live together). I think he can be depended upon to shuttle kids around and get them to their appointments.

When I say he’s not ambitious I mean in his career. He has no plan for achieving career goals, and doesn’t seem to be passionate about his career.

I wouldn’t want him to be a SAHD. I’m envisioning him continuing to work but picking the slack up with kids, because I will have to be in overdrive to earn more.

This is a discussion you'd need to have with him. Most moms end up doing so much more, regardless.