He’s not a breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is an amazing man. He’s very smart, hilarious, gentle, kind, emotionally available, and very loving.

His one bad trait is that he’s not a breadwinner. His career is unorganized, he hates his job, is underemployed, and has no ambition.

We are mid-late 30s and want kids asap.

I have a good career and make pretty good money. I never planned to be the primary breadwinner though. I think I could financially swing it, if he remains supportive and I rev up my career more. if you’ve taken a similar path, any regrets?

I’m actually not against SAHDs or “primary parent” dads at all. But the bold here gives me pause. It does not sound at all like he would be good at carrying a larger mental load at home or with the kids. If he is not into cooking, and is not into planning/organizing/meticulously keeping track of things, you will just end up needing to do all those things on top of making most or all do the money.

This. It’s not about not being the breadwinner. It’s that he’s a loser in everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be thinking about marrying and having kids with him if you were 6-10 years younger?

It’s okay if the answer is no and you do it anyway. But be honest with yourself about it, because he isn’t going to change.

OP here. This is a good question. I think I’d still consider it. We have a strong emotional connection and I find that hard to come by.

To add more info. He’s a great cook, frugal shopper, and does take out the trash (he takes out my trash without me asking and we don’t live together). I think he can be depended upon to shuttle kids around and get them to their appointments.

When I say he’s not ambitious I mean in his career. He has no plan for achieving career goals, and doesn’t seem to be passionate about his career.

I wouldn’t want him to be a SAHD. I’m envisioning him continuing to work but picking the slack up with kids, because I will have to be in overdrive to earn more.

If you marry him and have a kid or kids with him, then you can’t be resentful later on. If you love him, then don’t expect him to change.

[Anonymous]

There isn't a simple answer.

My bff is a doctor married to a hs teacher. She has been so grateful that he was able to be there for their family and do heavy lifting with childcare, cooking, etc., while she was working a gazillion hours a week. At the same time, she also considers him a bit of beta and deeply resents the financial pressure she has been under the entire time they have been raising their family. His salary alone wouldn't have even gotten them a nice apartment in this area, let alone the house they live in. She also feels like he spends "her money" too easily (for example she recently was saying she wanted to go on vacay but didn't have the time/energy/inclination to do all of the planning and then said "DH loves doing it, but he'll pick a place that costs $1000 a night! He loves spending the money I work so hard for!").

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hating his job is also a red flag. Why does he have this job if he hates it so much? Why doesn't he motivate to get a different job?

If he were the right person for this breadwinner setup, he would be thinking "How can I use this time to get a job that I like better, and that is well-suited to my future parenting responsibilities?" He wouldn't be just sitting around complaining to his girlfriend that he hates his job. I've never thought someone needs to work full-time if they can meet their financial needs part-time, but there's no reason for him to stay in a job he dislikes.

OP, how much sympathy will you have for the whole "I hate my job and I don't earn much" routine when you become a working mom?

Good point.

This is not a resourceful person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is not a man unless he can support you. All you boy moms pay attention.

When the person having the babies and being their primary source of sustenance and survival for 5-13 years is also the breadwinner, many marriages cannot survive the level of support that requires and stress that creates on said woman.

Physician here and this describes every female colleague I have. They all outearn their husbands and are responsible for the lion’s share of childbearing. It sounds like hell. I’m a SMBC and my life is more organized, peaceful, and centered. I will admit I’m jealous of the “family life” they seem to have, but I wouldn’t trade places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There isn't a simple answer.

My bff is a doctor married to a hs teacher. She has been so grateful that he was able to be there for their family and do heavy lifting with childcare, cooking, etc., while she was working a gazillion hours a week. At the same time, she also considers him a bit of beta and deeply resents the financial pressure she has been under the entire time they have been raising their family. His salary alone wouldn't have even gotten them a nice apartment in this area, let alone the house they live in. She also feels like he spends "her money" too easily (for example she recently was saying she wanted to go on vacay but didn't have the time/energy/inclination to do all of the planning and then said "DH loves doing it, but he'll pick a place that costs $1000 a night! He loves spending the money I work so hard for!").

OP this is sadly the story of my life. Fell in love with someone who was a low earner and after 3 kids are older he’s still a SAHD and financial burden. I won’t be able to retire when I had planned to and he has not changed.

Don’t put yourself through this.

[Anonymous]

I married this guy. His career has really taken off in the last few years, even though I never expected it. I love him deeply and am very grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There isn't a simple answer.

My bff is a doctor married to a hs teacher. She has been so grateful that he was able to be there for their family and do heavy lifting with childcare, cooking, etc., while she was working a gazillion hours a week. At the same time, she also considers him a bit of beta and deeply resents the financial pressure she has been under the entire time they have been raising their family. His salary alone wouldn't have even gotten them a nice apartment in this area, let alone the house they live in. She also feels like he spends "her money" too easily (for example she recently was saying she wanted to go on vacay but didn't have the time/energy/inclination to do all of the planning and then said "DH loves doing it, but he'll pick a place that costs $1000 a night! He loves spending the money I work so hard for!").

Somewhat similar story here. I love DH and appreciate all he does, but he isn’t a go-getter career wise and the beta perception is sadly real. We are in similar fields, and his salary was slightly higher than mine when we married. However mine has tripled in the 17 years since while his is probably flat accounting for inflation.

I sometimes think about where we could be (earlier retirement, more college choices for the kids etc) if he made more. And while we share accounts (at my insistence) yes everytime a big expense comes up, internally I feel like the money I earned is paying for it. It’s easy for the resentment to build as you reach middle age and net worth really starts to be the big lifestyle differentiator in your social circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There isn't a simple answer.

My bff is a doctor married to a hs teacher. She has been so grateful that he was able to be there for their family and do heavy lifting with childcare, cooking, etc., while she was working a gazillion hours a week. At the same time, she also considers him a bit of beta and deeply resents the financial pressure she has been under the entire time they have been raising their family. His salary alone wouldn't have even gotten them a nice apartment in this area, let alone the house they live in. She also feels like he spends "her money" too easily (for example she recently was saying she wanted to go on vacay but didn't have the time/energy/inclination to do all of the planning and then said "DH loves doing it, but he'll pick a place that costs $1000 a night! He loves spending the money I work so hard for!").

Was he a teacher when she married him? Surely none of this is a surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is not a man unless he can support you. All you boy moms pay attention.

Noted. And be sure you present as good breeding stock with a dowery.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately I feel a lot of the high earner woman and stay at home dad scenarios do not work out unless the male loves being a father and is super involved and organized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is an amazing man. He’s very smart, hilarious, gentle, kind, emotionally available, and very loving.

His one bad trait is that he’s not a breadwinner. His career is unorganized, he hates his job, is underemployed, and has no ambition.

We are mid-late 30s and want kids asap.

I have a good career and make pretty good money. I never planned to be the primary breadwinner though. I think I could financially swing it, if he remains supportive and I rev up my career more. if you’ve taken a similar path, any regrets?

so if you never planned to be making enough money to survive, what was your plan??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There isn't a simple answer.

My bff is a doctor married to a hs teacher. She has been so grateful that he was able to be there for their family and do heavy lifting with childcare, cooking, etc., while she was working a gazillion hours a week. At the same time, she also considers him a bit of beta and deeply resents the financial pressure she has been under the entire time they have been raising their family. His salary alone wouldn't have even gotten them a nice apartment in this area, let alone the house they live in. She also feels like he spends "her money" too easily (for example she recently was saying she wanted to go on vacay but didn't have the time/energy/inclination to do all of the planning and then said "DH loves doing it, but he'll pick a place that costs $1000 a night! He loves spending the money I work so hard for!").

Was he a teacher when she married him? Surely none of this is a surprise.

+1 I don’t think it’s good that he overspends but he was a teacher when they met; it wasn’t like he just pulled the rug out from under her. And it sounds like he pulled his weight at home. Did she expect him to change careers after they married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is an amazing man. He’s very smart, hilarious, gentle, kind, emotionally available, and very loving.

His one bad trait is that he’s not a breadwinner. His career is unorganized, he hates his job, is underemployed, and has no ambition.

We are mid-late 30s and want kids asap.

I have a good career and make pretty good money. I never planned to be the primary breadwinner though. I think I could financially swing it, if he remains supportive and I rev up my career more. if you’ve taken a similar path, any regrets?

Is he smoking hot too? Flip the sexes here and tons of guys would consider this partner to be excellent wife material. Amazing-smart-gentle-kind-loving people (who are excellent cooks no less) are going to rise to the parenting challenge. Lack of ambition is extremely common among many many excellent SAHMs, so why should it be a red flag here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is an amazing man. He’s very smart, hilarious, gentle, kind, emotionally available, and very loving.

His one bad trait is that he’s not a breadwinner. His career is unorganized, he hates his job, is underemployed, and has no ambition.

We are mid-late 30s and want kids asap.

I have a good career and make pretty good money. I never planned to be the primary breadwinner though. I think I could financially swing it, if he remains supportive and I rev up my career more. if you’ve taken a similar path, any regrets?

Is he smoking hot too? Flip the sexes here and tons of guys would consider this partner to be excellent wife material. Amazing-smart-gentle-kind-loving people (who are excellent cooks no less) are going to rise to the parenting challenge. Lack of ambition is extremely common among many many excellent SAHMs, so why should it be a red flag here?

The red flag is he hates his job but doesn't change it. And is underemployed-- any good future SAHM would be using pre-kids time to save money.