He’s not a breadwinner

[Anonymous]

How much does he make? There are unambitious guys who still make decent $$$. I’ve been coasting for years and still make north of 300k.

[Anonymous]

I would not marry or have children with someone like this. I would rather be unmarried and single.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I don't wish ill on people generally - but I think all the people in this thread deserve the misery you go on and on about on this website every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not ambitious and is underemployed. I wouldn't trust him to be a good main parent. He'd plop babies in front of the tv and have a mess for you to come home and clean.

This.

I find that people's personalities are evident (often, not always) through their work. Someone who is underemployed and unambitious is not likely to be a great or helpful parent.

For what it's worth, I divorced this guy before having kids and I'm so glad I did. He was otherwise loving, kind, and my best friend, but after we got a dog (that he also wanted), I saw what my future with children would look like and decided I didn't want to be responsible for everything for the rest of my life. Now I'm married to my equal (equal partner, equal earner, etc.) and I'm so much happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be thinking about marrying and having kids with him if you were 6-10 years younger?

It’s okay if the answer is no and you do it anyway. But be honest with yourself about it, because he isn’t going to change.

OP here. This is a good question. I think I’d still consider it. We have a strong emotional connection and I find that hard to come by.

To add more info. He’s a great cook, frugal shopper, and does take out the trash (he takes out my trash without me asking and we don’t live together). I think he can be depended upon to shuttle kids around and get them to their appointments.

When I say he’s not ambitious I mean in his career. He has no plan for achieving career goals, and doesn’t seem to be passionate about his career.

I wouldn’t want him to be a SAHD. I’m envisioning him continuing to work but picking the slack up with kids, because I will have to be in overdrive to earn more.

What's his vision?

You are not ready to get married, much less have kids, unless you have this talk with him. Marrying someone "envisioning" how things will go without discussing that vision with them and ensuring they are on the same page is a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be thinking about marrying and having kids with him if you were 6-10 years younger?

It’s okay if the answer is no and you do it anyway. But be honest with yourself about it, because he isn’t going to change.

OP here. This is a good question. I think I’d still consider it. We have a strong emotional connection and I find that hard to come by.

To add more info. He’s a great cook, frugal shopper, and does take out the trash (he takes out my trash without me asking and we don’t live together). I think he can be depended upon to shuttle kids around and get them to their appointments.

When I say he’s not ambitious I mean in his career. He has no plan for achieving career goals, and doesn’t seem to be passionate about his career.

I wouldn’t want him to be a SAHD. I’m envisioning him continuing to work but picking the slack up with kids, because I will have to be in overdrive to earn more.

Shuttling kids around and getting them to appointments is great, but it’s only a small part of it. Can he remember when appointments need to be scheduled and schedule them? Pay attention to when sports/camp sign up opens, keep track of which things are on which days at which times at which locations, sign them up, fill out the paperwork, submit it, and shuttle them there?

This. You can hire anyone to shuttle kids around. A parent should schedule appointments, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he provide you with emotional support, is a good partner etc.. I have a very disorganized SAHD spouse and with outsourcing tasks like cleaning, nanny when kids were babies, we have a very happy home and I am able to succeed way beyond what I could do if he worked.

OP here. He is very emotionally supportive. He is a good partner to me in that he treats me well, is romantic, very considerate, a good lover, cheers me on in my career, and cooks lavish meals for me regularly.

I definitely think we’d have to outsource cleaning for my sanity.

Someone else made a really good point - he may be all these things because he has very little taxing him. He doesn't work that hard, has no interest in trying to find new opportunities, etc., so of course he has time to cook you lavish meals. Parenting is a whole different ball of wax. You're taxed at every level - emotionally, physically, financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is my best friend. I have a very successful career that I find fulfilling - he gave up his job to focus on our family and is an awesome dad and husband. Like many SAHM's he is not super organized or focused on cleaning but he is focused on the kids, what they need done. I've never had to do carpool or dr checkups unless i want to can travel or work w/out having conflicts w/ his work schedule etc.. Don't really get all the people claiming this is impossible or SAHD's have to be a male martha stewart when all SAHM's don't meet those standards

I know a woman like you (you might be her) and what I know about this person's DH is that he is really a man among men. He is kind and considerate and has stepped up to the plate to be a great dad and great family man. He could have had a career, but it wasn't going to be as good as the wife's could be.

This doesn't sound anything like OP's boyfriend.

This is an excellent point. I think the best SAHMs are those who could have an awesome career if they wanted to but decided that staying home with their children was the better decision. I'm a working mom because I didn't want to stay at home, but being lazy, etc. doesn't generally translate into being good at anything, taking care of children included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP will be here 2 years later whining how her husband is such a loser and can’t support the family so she can be with the kids. Don’t do it.

+1

I mean, have you not seen all the posts on here where women complain about their husbands and say they were diagnosed with ADHD later in life and they swear they saw no red flags before getting married? OP, be glad at least you can see the flags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what’s he doing about his “disorganized” career? And what are his prospects for success?

I want you to imagine yourself pregnant, experiencing a complication that puts you on bed rest. What does 6-9 months out of work do to you financially?

Are you willing to:

Leave a newborn in the NICU to return to work.

Return to work still bleeding postpartum if you run out of maternity leave.

Use daycare, public school, and assume your kids will have student loans.

If all of this is fine with you, and you can live that life without any resentment or wanting more, move ahead.

If you can’t, be honest with yourself about that, and keep looking

With all due respect, there are plenty of people who have to do these things because they don't have another choice, even if both of them work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is an amazing man. He’s very smart, hilarious, gentle, kind, emotionally available, and very loving.

His one bad trait is that he’s not a breadwinner. His career is unorganized, he hates his job, is underemployed, and has no ambition.

We are mid-late 30s and want kids asap.

I have a good career and make pretty good money. I never planned to be the primary breadwinner though. I think I could financially swing it, if he remains supportive and I rev up my career more. if you’ve taken a similar path, any regrets?

I’m actually not against SAHDs or “primary parent” dads at all. But the bold here gives me pause. It does not sound at all like he would be good at carrying a larger mental load at home or with the kids. If he is not into cooking, and is not into planning/organizing/meticulously keeping track of things, you will just end up needing to do all those things on top of making most or all do the money.

This. It’s not about not being the breadwinner. It’s that he’s a loser in everything.

BUT BUT he can spend a ton of time cooking a meal for OP! (And then apparently make her clean up after it since she said she'd need cleaners if they lived together...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is not a man unless he can support you. All you boy moms pay attention.

No woman respects a man who can’t even earn more.

That's not true. Some careers don't pay well but that doesn't mean the person working in them isn't a good person who is a hard worker. I'm a lawyer and I know male lawyers who make less than I do because they're in a different field (I happened to choose a lucrative one), but that doesn't make me respect them more. I save Fortune 500 companies money, they help immigrants - I actually have more respect for them than for myself in terms of career (although I love my job).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he provide you with emotional support, is a good partner etc.. I have a very disorganized SAHD spouse and with outsourcing tasks like cleaning, nanny when kids were babies, we have a very happy home and I am able to succeed way beyond what I could do if he worked.

I don’t understand this. If everything is outsourced, how would you succeed less if he worked?

He is giving her good sex. If he worked, he would be too tired to perform in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I don't wish ill on people generally - but I think all the people in this thread deserve the misery you go on and on about on this website every day.

+1

The responses on this thread are appalling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be thinking about marrying and having kids with him if you were 6-10 years younger?

It’s okay if the answer is no and you do it anyway. But be honest with yourself about it, because he isn’t going to change.

OP here. This is a good question. I think I’d still consider it. We have a strong emotional connection and I find that hard to come by.

To add more info. He’s a great cook, frugal shopper, and does take out the trash (he takes out my trash without me asking and we don’t live together). I think he can be depended upon to shuttle kids around and get them to their appointments.

When I say he’s not ambitious I mean in his career. He has no plan for achieving career goals, and doesn’t seem to be passionate about his career.

I wouldn’t want him to be a SAHD. I’m envisioning him continuing to work but picking the slack up with kids, because I will have to be in overdrive to earn more.

Strong emotional connection includes good sex? If yes, keep him, marry him.

Many women on this board are complaining about sexless marriages. Men who can satisfy women in the bedroom are hard to find. You have one, keep him.