He’s not a breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Depends on if he actually wants to he a SAHD. If he does, go for it.

Also, don't move an hour and a half further from your job to where he prefers to live. It sucks to be stuck with an insane commute without the financial option to quit because he doesn't make enough. Ask me how I know.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be thinking about marrying and having kids with him if you were 6-10 years younger?

It’s okay if the answer is no and you do it anyway. But be honest with yourself about it, because he isn’t going to change.

OP here. This is a good question. I think I’d still consider it. We have a strong emotional connection and I find that hard to come by.

To add more info. He’s a great cook, frugal shopper, and does take out the trash (he takes out my trash without me asking and we don’t live together). I think he can be depended upon to shuttle kids around and get them to their appointments.

When I say he’s not ambitious I mean in his career. He has no plan for achieving career goals, and doesn’t seem to be passionate about his career.

I wouldn’t want him to be a SAHD. I’m envisioning him continuing to work but picking the slack up with kids, because I will have to be in overdrive to earn more.

In what ways does he currently pick up slack in your lives?

Or, is there not any slack for him to pick up currently because you are on top of all of it?

[Anonymous]

If he is organized, motivated, notices and takes initiative in his personal life-- the boring and gross and tedious things not just his interests-- then okay. But if he's passive and disorganized generally, RUN. He will feel like another child to manage and you will be so overwhelmed and alone.

Ask yourself whether you're compensating for his issues already. Stop doing that. Do you like what happens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be thinking about marrying and having kids with him if you were 6-10 years younger?

It’s okay if the answer is no and you do it anyway. But be honest with yourself about it, because he isn’t going to change.

OP here. This is a good question. I think I’d still consider it. We have a strong emotional connection and I find that hard to come by.

To add more info. He’s a great cook, frugal shopper, and does take out the trash (he takes out my trash without me asking and we don’t live together). I think he can be depended upon to shuttle kids around and get them to their appointments.

When I say he’s not ambitious I mean in his career. He has no plan for achieving career goals, and doesn’t seem to be passionate about his career.

I wouldn’t want him to be a SAHD. I’m envisioning him continuing to work but picking the slack up with kids, because I will have to be in overdrive to earn more.

Shuttling kids around and getting them to appointments is great, but it’s only a small part of it. Can he remember when appointments need to be scheduled and schedule them? Pay attention to when sports/camp sign up opens, keep track of which things are on which days at which times at which locations, sign them up, fill out the paperwork, submit it, and shuttle them there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is organized, motivated, notices and takes initiative in his personal life-- the boring and gross and tedious things not just his interests-- then okay. But if he's passive and disorganized generally, RUN. He will feel like another child to manage and you will be so overwhelmed and alone.

Ask yourself whether you're compensating for his issues already. Stop doing that. Do you like what happens?

This is a really good question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is not a man unless he can support you. All you boy moms pay attention.

Oh boy. If he inherits a lot, will that be ok with you?

[Anonymous]

I’d be very concerned by his lack of ambition. He doesn’t sound like a good partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is an amazing man. He’s very smart, hilarious, gentle, kind, emotionally available, and very loving.

His one bad trait is that he’s not a breadwinner. His career is unorganized, he hates his job, is underemployed, and has no ambition.

We are mid-late 30s and want kids asap.

I have a good career and make pretty good money. I never planned to be the primary breadwinner though. I think I could financially swing it, if he remains supportive and I rev up my career more. if you’ve taken a similar path, any regrets?

So, I am a female breadwinner. It can work, and I was OK with it.

However, I want to point out that in case of your boyfriend, there is a very good chance that the reason he is gentle, kind and emotionally available is because he is underemployed and has lots of bandwidth for his needs and more. The word “unorganized” is a huge red flag. I’ve seen guys like that - kind and gentle until they have to tend to a small child. Then it’s Mr. Hyde who is also a burden financially.

[Anonymous]

Don't you get tired of posting here with made up situations.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are crowd sourcing this, I'm guessing deep down (or maybe not so deep down) you are worried this is a mistake, but you're running out of options.

We so regularly on these boards how exhausted the women are who are shouldering most of the household and kids, and having to be the main breadwinner.

Also ask yourself if he's being on his best behavior because you're the perfect woman for him--one that will give him the life he wants without having to work too hard for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't you get tired of posting here with made up situations.

She hasn't changed the story. I think she is hoping to get better answers. I actually feel for her. I just hope she doesn't scr*w herself (and her kids) by hoping this guy will make a good partner.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Does he provide you with emotional support, is a good partner etc.. I have a very disorganized SAHD spouse and with outsourcing tasks like cleaning, nanny when kids were babies, we have a very happy home and I am able to succeed way beyond what I could do if he worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he provide you with emotional support, is a good partner etc.. I have a very disorganized SAHD spouse and with outsourcing tasks like cleaning, nanny when kids were babies, we have a very happy home and I am able to succeed way beyond what I could do if he worked.

I don’t understand this. If everything is outsourced, how would you succeed less if he worked?

[Anonymous]

Most breadwinner moms are unhappy, so if you marry and have kids with him, you're betting that you are the exception.