He’s not a breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he provide you with emotional support, is a good partner etc.. I have a very disorganized SAHD spouse and with outsourcing tasks like cleaning, nanny when kids were babies, we have a very happy home and I am able to succeed way beyond what I could do if he worked.

OP here. He is very emotionally supportive. He is a good partner to me in that he treats me well, is romantic, very considerate, a good lover, cheers me on in my career, and cooks lavish meals for me regularly.

I definitely think we’d have to outsource cleaning for my sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he provide you with emotional support, is a good partner etc.. I have a very disorganized SAHD spouse and with outsourcing tasks like cleaning, nanny when kids were babies, we have a very happy home and I am able to succeed way beyond what I could do if he worked.

What about the marriage makes you happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he provide you with emotional support, is a good partner etc.. I have a very disorganized SAHD spouse and with outsourcing tasks like cleaning, nanny when kids were babies, we have a very happy home and I am able to succeed way beyond what I could do if he worked.

OP here. He is very emotionally supportive. He is a good partner to me in that he treats me well, is romantic, very considerate, a good lover, cheers me on in my career, and cooks lavish meals for me regularly.

I definitely think we’d have to outsource cleaning for my sanity.

OP no. No no no. He doesn't clean and that's a huge red flag. Because kids make such a mess and you can't have a cleaning service every day. The "lavish" meals are a form of entertainment. You're going to need someone who can knock out a dinner that's reasonably healthy, that the kids will eat, with only whatever's in the fridge and in under 30 minutes. That's the kind of person you want to raise kids with. Think practical. Not someone who spends hours and hours and hours cooking dinner, meaning that you're on kid duty, when you have a ton of other stuff that needs to get done.

Consider what someone said before-- that he's only so considerate and romantic and cooks etc. because he has extra bandwidth from his low-effort career. When he loses a lot of that bandwidth to parenting, how will he behave? And when you also have way less time and energy, how will you feel about his lack of motivation then?

[Anonymous]

My husband is my best friend. I have a very successful career that I find fulfilling - he gave up his job to focus on our family and is an awesome dad and husband. Like many SAHM's he is not super organized or focused on cleaning but he is focused on the kids, what they need done. I've never had to do carpool or dr checkups unless i want to can travel or work w/out having conflicts w/ his work schedule etc.. Don't really get all the people claiming this is impossible or SAHD's have to be a male martha stewart when all SAHM's don't meet those standards

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is my best friend. I have a very successful career that I find fulfilling - he gave up his job to focus on our family and is an awesome dad and husband. Like many SAHM's he is not super organized or focused on cleaning but he is focused on the kids, what they need done. I've never had to do carpool or dr checkups unless i want to can travel or work w/out having conflicts w/ his work schedule etc.. Don't really get all the people claiming this is impossible or SAHD's have to be a male martha stewart when all SAHM's don't meet those standards

It's not impossible, it's just that OP says her boyfriend is unorganized and has no ambition. So he might not be the kind of guy who's great as a SAHD. Some men are great at this, some are not. They don't have to be super-organized, but they do have to be organized enough.

[Anonymous]

Do not have kids with this guy unless you are willing to support him and your kids for the rest of your life.

He is a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is my best friend. I have a very successful career that I find fulfilling - he gave up his job to focus on our family and is an awesome dad and husband. Like many SAHM's he is not super organized or focused on cleaning but he is focused on the kids, what they need done. I've never had to do carpool or dr checkups unless i want to can travel or work w/out having conflicts w/ his work schedule etc.. Don't really get all the people claiming this is impossible or SAHD's have to be a male martha stewart when all SAHM's don't meet those standards

Because a lot of times what makes this work is having plenty of money. OP says she never planned on being the breadwinner and she thinks she can swing it-- okay, but that's not really a strong vote of confidence. If finances are tight, then she's going to really feel the pinch when their expenses go up with kids and they can't afford to outsource much.

[Anonymous]

If I were shopping around for a stay-at-home wife or husband to have kids with, the qualities I'd look for would include (i) highly organized and excellent time management, (ii) patient, nurturing, and good with kids, (iii) excellent domestic skills including cooking, cleaning, laundry, planning, shopping, (iv) good social skills and ability to maintain couple and kids' friendships, (v) frugal (or independently wealthy), and (vi) willingness to sign a prenup.

[Anonymous]

Many women want equality for themselves but not for men. It’s that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is an amazing man. He’s very smart, hilarious, gentle, kind, emotionally available, and very loving.

His one bad trait is that he’s not a breadwinner. His career is unorganized, he hates his job, is underemployed, and has no ambition.

We are mid-late 30s and want kids asap.

I have a good career and make pretty good money. I never planned to be the primary breadwinner though. I think I could financially swing it, if he remains supportive and I rev up my career more. if you’ve taken a similar path, any regrets?

I’m actually not against SAHDs or “primary parent” dads at all. But the bold here gives me pause. It does not sound at all like he would be good at carrying a larger mental load at home or with the kids. If he is not into cooking, and is not into planning/organizing/meticulously keeping track of things, you will just end up needing to do all those things on top of making most or all do the money.

lol larger mental load? There are plenty of women with unorganized careers, hate their job and are unemployed with no ambition who are easily able to be SAHM. The tasks are not hard just repetitive and boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is my best friend. I have a very successful career that I find fulfilling - he gave up his job to focus on our family and is an awesome dad and husband. Like many SAHM's he is not super organized or focused on cleaning but he is focused on the kids, what they need done. I've never had to do carpool or dr checkups unless i want to can travel or work w/out having conflicts w/ his work schedule etc.. Don't really get all the people claiming this is impossible or SAHD's have to be a male martha stewart when all SAHM's don't meet those standards

I know a woman like you (you might be her) and what I know about this person's DH is that he is really a man among men. He is kind and considerate and has stepped up to the plate to be a great dad and great family man. He could have had a career, but it wasn't going to be as good as the wife's could be.

This doesn't sound anything like OP's boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is an amazing man. He’s very smart, hilarious, gentle, kind, emotionally available, and very loving.

His one bad trait is that he’s not a breadwinner. His career is unorganized, he hates his job, is underemployed, and has no ambition.

We are mid-late 30s and want kids asap.

I have a good career and make pretty good money. I never planned to be the primary breadwinner though. I think I could financially swing it, if he remains supportive and I rev up my career more. if you’ve taken a similar path, any regrets?

I’m actually not against SAHDs or “primary parent” dads at all. But the bold here gives me pause. It does not sound at all like he would be good at carrying a larger mental load at home or with the kids. If he is not into cooking, and is not into planning/organizing/meticulously keeping track of things, you will just end up needing to do all those things on top of making most or all do the money.

lol larger mental load? There are plenty of women with unorganized careers, hate their job and are unemployed with no ambition who are easily able to be SAHM. The tasks are not hard just repetitive and boring.

I agree with this, but while many women will put up with this and do it (to their detriment, perhaps) many men won't. How many women complain on DCUM about their worthless husbands. So many men who don't want responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is an amazing man. He’s very smart, hilarious, gentle, kind, emotionally available, and very loving.

His one bad trait is that he’s not a breadwinner. His career is unorganized, he hates his job, is underemployed, and has no ambition.

We are mid-late 30s and want kids asap.

I have a good career and make pretty good money. I never planned to be the primary breadwinner though. I think I could financially swing it, if he remains supportive and I rev up my career more. if you’ve taken a similar path, any regrets?

I’m actually not against SAHDs or “primary parent” dads at all. But the bold here gives me pause. It does not sound at all like he would be good at carrying a larger mental load at home or with the kids. If he is not into cooking, and is not into planning/organizing/meticulously keeping track of things, you will just end up needing to do all those things on top of making most or all do the money.

lol larger mental load? There are plenty of women with unorganized careers, hate their job and are unemployed with no ambition who are easily able to be SAHM. The tasks are not hard just repetitive and boring.

Right but often times that kind of marriage doesn't go very well. So OP might not want one for herself.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend whose husband bounced around from career to career and has stretches of unemployment. If he'd take care of the childcare, cooking and house stuff it'd be different, but he's similarly disorganized there. They're still married but my friend is clearly getting more frustrated as this drags on. He's always jumping to some new thing and spends money on classes but it doesn't stick.

[Anonymous]

I come down on the side of OP is having to crowd source this. If she has to ask, she really already knows the answer.

That, or she's a troll.