Parents, do you allow your college age boy live in the same bedroom with his girlfriend in your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you tell him to stop bringing his girlfriend home and to events. My kids aren't that old yet but I'm already annoyed thinking about the possibility.

Of course a parent can do that, and it's excellent strategy to build a relationship with your adult kid where they want limited contact with you

How adult are they at 21? Are you done paying for college and their living expenses?

So rules are different if they've a full ride?

I get, I guess, the my house my rules sentiment, but I will never understand the need to control your children's behavior until they are completely financially independent. Baffling

To be fair, if they aren't financially independent the parents have to bear the consequences of their actions.

[Anonymous]

Same room. NBD. They are adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you tell him to stop bringing his girlfriend home and to events. My kids aren't that old yet but I'm already annoyed thinking about the possibility.

Of course a parent can do that, and it's excellent strategy to build a relationship with your adult kid where they want limited contact with you

How adult are they at 21? Are you done paying for college and their living expenses?

So rules are different if they've a full ride?

I get, I guess, the my house my rules sentiment, but I will never understand the need to control your children's behavior until they are completely financially independent. Baffling

To be fair, if they aren't financially independent the parents have to bear the consequences of their actions.

That's not much of an argument. It's not even a good "to be fair." It seems then the argument is that they don't learn to make good choices or independent decisions until they're completely financially independent? That seems like a really bad idea.

And it's a straw man because we know that's not the reason parents are trying to control behavior of adults. (And please do not come at me with they are not adults unless they're fully paying for absolutely everything. That is a specious argument)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you don't have an extra room?

If your child is a female, the bf sleeps on the couch.

If your child is a male, your son gives up his room for his gf and he sleeps on the couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you tell him to stop bringing his girlfriend home and to events. My kids aren't that old yet but I'm already annoyed thinking about the possibility.

Of course a parent can do that, and it's excellent strategy to build a relationship with your adult kid where they want limited contact with you

How adult are they at 21? Are you done paying for college and their living expenses?

So rules are different if they've a full ride?

I get, I guess, the my house my rules sentiment, but I will never understand the need to control your children's behavior until they are completely financially independent. Baffling

To be fair, if they aren't financially independent the parents have to bear the consequences of their actions.

That's not much of an argument. It's not even a good "to be fair." It seems then the argument is that they don't learn to make good choices or independent decisions until they're completely financially independent? That seems like a really bad idea.

And it's a straw man because we know that's not the reason parents are trying to control behavior of adults. (And please do not come at me with they are not adults unless they're fully paying for absolutely everything. That is a specious argument)

Why should 21-year-olds get treated with full adult privileges if they can't even support themselves? We don't care to promote serious relationships before the kids are done with college and in a position to support themselves, so bringing a girlfriend or boyfriend home would be out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you tell him to stop bringing his girlfriend home and to events. My kids aren't that old yet but I'm already annoyed thinking about the possibility.

Of course a parent can do that, and it's excellent strategy to build a relationship with your adult kid where they want limited contact with you

How adult are they at 21? Are you done paying for college and their living expenses?

So rules are different if they've a full ride?

I get, I guess, the my house my rules sentiment, but I will never understand the need to control your children's behavior until they are completely financially independent. Baffling

To be fair, if they aren't financially independent the parents have to bear the consequences of their actions.

That's not much of an argument. It's not even a good "to be fair." It seems then the argument is that they don't learn to make good choices or independent decisions until they're completely financially independent? That seems like a really bad idea.

And it's a straw man because we know that's not the reason parents are trying to control behavior of adults. (And please do not come at me with they are not adults unless they're fully paying for absolutely everything. That is a specious argument)

Why should 21-year-olds get treated with full adult privileges if they can't even support themselves? We don't care to promote serious relationships before the kids are done with college and in a position to support themselves, so bringing a girlfriend or boyfriend home would be out of line.

Because it's theatrical and performative. Do stay at home parents not get treated as adults? Do people on disability not get adult privileges? How about thirty year old married couples who need a loan from their parents for a down payment?

You want to force your values on an adult child and use money to try to control it. It's never going to end well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you tell him to stop bringing his girlfriend home and to events. My kids aren't that old yet but I'm already annoyed thinking about the possibility.

Of course a parent can do that, and it's excellent strategy to build a relationship with your adult kid where they want limited contact with you

How adult are they at 21? Are you done paying for college and their living expenses?

So rules are different if they've a full ride?

I get, I guess, the my house my rules sentiment, but I will never understand the need to control your children's behavior until they are completely financially independent. Baffling

To be fair, if they aren't financially independent the parents have to bear the consequences of their actions.

That's not much of an argument. It's not even a good "to be fair." It seems then the argument is that they don't learn to make good choices or independent decisions until they're completely financially independent? That seems like a really bad idea.

And it's a straw man because we know that's not the reason parents are trying to control behavior of adults. (And please do not come at me with they are not adults unless they're fully paying for absolutely everything. That is a specious argument)

Why should 21-year-olds get treated with full adult privileges if they can't even support themselves? We don't care to promote serious relationships before the kids are done with college and in a position to support themselves, so bringing a girlfriend or boyfriend home would be out of line.

Because it's theatrical and performative. Do stay at home parents not get treated as adults? Do people on disability not get adult privileges? How about thirty year old married couples who need a loan from their parents for a down payment?

You want to force your values on an adult child and use money to try to control it. It's never going to end well

I have a great relationship with my parents, who didn't allow us to bring a boyfriend or girlfriend on vacations or sleep in the same room at their home before marriage. My parents also didn't give me a loan for a downpayment at 30, but I did use the education they provided to get a good job and save my own money. They did enforce their rules while I was on their dime during college and graduate school. I respected their rules. We remained close then and now. All my siblings and I launched into real adults in our twenties who didn't need financial support from our parents after we graduated. We all got married and had kids. If your family values are different, fine, but our family values have worked very well for us and I intend to parent my own children in the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you tell him to stop bringing his girlfriend home and to events. My kids aren't that old yet but I'm already annoyed thinking about the possibility.

Of course a parent can do that, and it's excellent strategy to build a relationship with your adult kid where they want limited contact with you

How adult are they at 21? Are you done paying for college and their living expenses?

So rules are different if they've a full ride?

I get, I guess, the my house my rules sentiment, but I will never understand the need to control your children's behavior until they are completely financially independent. Baffling

To be fair, if they aren't financially independent the parents have to bear the consequences of their actions.

That's not much of an argument. It's not even a good "to be fair." It seems then the argument is that they don't learn to make good choices or independent decisions until they're completely financially independent? That seems like a really bad idea.

And it's a straw man because we know that's not the reason parents are trying to control behavior of adults. (And please do not come at me with they are not adults unless they're fully paying for absolutely everything. That is a specious argument)

Why should 21-year-olds get treated with full adult privileges if they can't even support themselves? We don't care to promote serious relationships before the kids are done with college and in a position to support themselves, so bringing a girlfriend or boyfriend home would be out of line.

So dating, hookups, sex, pregnancy, orgy etc is fine as ling as no one comes to your home or gets into a respectful relationship.

[Anonymous]

GF of the month- separate rooms. When DS is living with a GF, same room.

DC know my values and rules. If they don’t like them, create they can create their home with their own rules. This doesn’t need to be contentious. If a child wants to cut ties with parents b/c they couldn’t sleep in the same room as the person they were dating in HS, there is more wrong with the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Separate. They take trips together and stay in the same hotel room, but they are paying for it, not me. And it's outside my control. But, when I'm paying (we stayed at a hotel for a wedding), they stay in separate rooms. I have a younger DD and don't want to set the wrong example.

What is the wrong example of a legal adult staying overnight in a room with their BF/GF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you tell him to stop bringing his girlfriend home and to events. My kids aren't that old yet but I'm already annoyed thinking about the possibility.

Of course a parent can do that, and it's excellent strategy to build a relationship with your adult kid where they want limited contact with you

How adult are they at 21? Are you done paying for college and their living expenses?

So rules are different if they've a full ride?

I get, I guess, the my house my rules sentiment, but I will never understand the need to control your children's behavior until they are completely financially independent. Baffling

To be fair, if they aren't financially independent the parents have to bear the consequences of their actions.

+1 Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you tell him to stop bringing his girlfriend home and to events. My kids aren't that old yet but I'm already annoyed thinking about the possibility.

Of course a parent can do that, and it's excellent strategy to build a relationship with your adult kid where they want limited contact with you

How adult are they at 21? Are you done paying for college and their living expenses?

So rules are different if they've a full ride?

I get, I guess, the my house my rules sentiment, but I will never understand the need to control your children's behavior until they are completely financially independent. Baffling

To be fair, if they aren't financially independent the parents have to bear the consequences of their actions.

That's not much of an argument. It's not even a good "to be fair." It seems then the argument is that they don't learn to make good choices or independent decisions until they're completely financially independent? That seems like a really bad idea.

And it's a straw man because we know that's not the reason parents are trying to control behavior of adults. (And please do not come at me with they are not adults unless they're fully paying for absolutely everything. That is a specious argument)

Why should 21-year-olds get treated with full adult privileges if they can't even support themselves? We don't care to promote serious relationships before the kids are done with college and in a position to support themselves, so bringing a girlfriend or boyfriend home would be out of line.

So dating, hookups, sex, pregnancy, orgy etc is fine as ling as no one comes to your home or gets into a respectful relationship.

How does not allowing them to sleep in the same room promote those things? We've taught our kids not to engage in risky behavior, but if they must, how to be safe, and they know that they are on their own if said risky behavior results in pregnancy or disease.

[Anonymous]

This was an issue for us during COVID, the first time a serious partner came to stay. Since we have a larger family, we also had one young enough that there were some conversations I just didn’t want to have. We gave separate rooms and had a frank discussion that as adults, we were not going to intrude on their private lives, but we also expected them to respect our wishes around the youngest sibling. It was fine.

Now we don’t have the youngest sibling problem anymore. Most of my ACs want a guest room, although I am sure they are going back and forth. At my mother’s house couples not living together automatically have separate rooms but hall traffic is ignored. Generally we are very liberal but old fashioned with manners, so it’s not surprising to me that my ACs choose this. And a little sneaking around is fun, I suppose. I do have one who prefers to just have a room together and that is what I give them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you tell him to stop bringing his girlfriend home and to events. My kids aren't that old yet but I'm already annoyed thinking about the possibility.

Of course a parent can do that, and it's excellent strategy to build a relationship with your adult kid where they want limited contact with you

How adult are they at 21? Are you done paying for college and their living expenses?

So rules are different if they've a full ride?

I get, I guess, the my house my rules sentiment, but I will never understand the need to control your children's behavior until they are completely financially independent. Baffling

The my house my rules thing just seems like grasping at control straws. Your sweet baby is grown and doesnt need you anymore, so you try and exert your "parental control" by doing this. Seems silly to me.

Same room is fine with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you tell him to stop bringing his girlfriend home and to events. My kids aren't that old yet but I'm already annoyed thinking about the possibility.

Of course a parent can do that, and it's excellent strategy to build a relationship with your adult kid where they want limited contact with you

How adult are they at 21? Are you done paying for college and their living expenses?

So rules are different if they've a full ride?

If they get a full ride, they . . . get a full ride!

Thanks for coming folks, I'm hear all week. Try the veal, and remember to tip your servers.