Breaking up with addicted boyfriend

[Anonymous]

He is narcissist with many other problems. He doesn't need help, you do. You need help getting out.
You are addicted to him. How can we help you? Why aren't you helping yourself as much as we would?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is narcissist with many other problems. He doesn't need help, you do. You need help getting out.
You are addicted to him. How can we help you? Why aren't you helping yourself as much as we would?

Why do you say narcissist? There wasn’t much info given about his personality.

[Anonymous]

Thinking one can save an addict or that their feelings for you will help them grasp a lifeline is codependency. That can be serial.
Just break up kindly. Then work on yourself so you have different choices in the future.

[Anonymous]

Break up immediately -- the "how" you do it is unimportant. Get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Break up immediately -- the "how" you do it is unimportant. Get out.

Hard disagree the "how" is unimportant. OP needs to do it in a way that she can eventually feel good about - if she were to (don't think she will) go in blaming, yelling, and getting angry that's not going to feel good. But if she kindly cuts him off, eventually she'll be able to see that she was right. That matters.

[Anonymous]

LOL! Why would you date someone who lived with his parents?? My goodness, there must have been a field of red flags you walked right by.

I agree with therapy for you, don't waste any more time dating the wrong type of man!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if you haven't before- you need individual therapy, it will help you greatly. You started off by saying this was the first healthy romantic relationship you've had, yet this isn't/ wasn't a healthy relationship at all. I would explore what a healthy relationship should consist of, and most importantly, your own value and boundaries. Don't spend your time trying to figure out the why of his addiction and did he or did he not really mean the things he said- it's a rabbit hole you'll never get to the bottom of and soon you'll learn, it doesn't matter. best of luck to you-

NP. Please, please re-read the incredibly wise advice above, OP. You already know you must break up with him, but please prepare yourself for the afterward -- have your first session with a therapist lined up. Remember: the therapy is NOT to try to figure out what HE is feeling or thinking or why he's behaving as he does; it is all about you, and moving forward. You first will have to dig hard into why you have never yet had any healthy romantic relationships, and only then can you move on (not just move on from him--move on in your life).

Please plan the breakup talk in advance. Don't wing it, or your emotions may take over and you could end up crying, or caving in if he suddenly seems contrite and sad and begs you not to leave him, etc. Prepare your mind in advance for potential reactions: What will you say if he, for instance, threatens that without you, he'll gamble more? Or even hurt himself, if you break up? If you can, roleplay your breakup with a trusted friend who can be tough and persistent in playing BF's role here. Write down your script for what you want to say. Do not break up in your home or at his home! I would do it somewhere public, where you can walk away immediately after (or if things go badly and he's angry). A coffee shop at a time when it's fairly empty but there are still staff around.

You do a great job of stating your feelings in your post, OP. But I would not lay all that out for him in detail, much as you might want to. Remember, the breakup is not a conversation and not a debate and not a question -- it is simply you, making a statement with a period at the end. And then walking out the door.You do not want him to try to talk you out of breaking up, so do not engage if he tries to make excuses, says he does care more about you than about gambling, gets teary, whatever.

Give serious consideration to not dating anyone at all for a long while after you break up. Get into therapy and figure out the issue with unhealthy relationships so you do not repeat the pattern again. You can't really do that kind of internal work if you're also trying to date at the same time.
Please update us. I'm concerned for you. But you do know you absolutely need to break up and the sooner the better.

Two years "sober" in 35 years? He can vow he'll finally stop this time, will stop for love of you, but his track record destroys any promises he'll make.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the replies everyone.
I’m planning to break up over the phone because I don’t trust my emotions in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies everyone.
I’m planning to break up over the phone because I don’t trust my emotions in person.

Maybe do it via letter, or email. Text seems a little disrespectful.

My husband of 20 years has high-functioning autism and ADHD. I did not know this when I had kids with him, it's only when our oldest was diagnosed with the same things that I realized why my marriage was so difficult sometimes. Your boyfriend cannot help himself. He has a mental illness. In many ways, it's not his "fault". This doesn't mean that you need to excuse his behaviors. You need to move on. It's not your fault either that you stumbled into a relationship with him.

I wish you better luck in the future. Stay calm, let it go, move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People, stop blaming her for not seeing his illness sooner. It’s not going to help. He has become good at masking by now.
She needs support and people who understand.

There's a pernicious post format on this forum where people drop the always-useless "why didn't you see this coming" reply, as if problematic people walk around with flashing neon signs and immediately divulge their pathology in their initial greeting. It's a sort of victim-blaming people use to psychologically distance themselves. They want to believe the story being told could never happen to them; they're smarter than to fall for that.

We've all fallen for some bullshit at least once in our lives. People either have compassion for that dynamic because they've lived through it, or they're probably the person putting someone through it.

See also: "you didn't tell me to stop/change (so it must've been fine)" mentality. People who aren't responsible for themselves like to pass the blame/responsibility, especially when it comes to relationships/the relationship forum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies everyone.
I’m planning to break up over the phone because I don’t trust my emotions in person.

Maybe do it via letter, or email. Text seems a little disrespectful.

My husband of 20 years has high-functioning autism and ADHD. I did not know this when I had kids with him, it's only when our oldest was diagnosed with the same things that I realized why my marriage was so difficult sometimes. Your boyfriend cannot help himself. He has a mental illness. In many ways, it's not his "fault". This doesn't mean that you need to excuse his behaviors. You need to move on. It's not your fault either that you stumbled into a relationship with him.

I wish you better luck in the future. Stay calm, let it go, move on.

Oh yes, I meant by phone call. Thank you for your post and I empathize very much with your situation.

[Anonymous]

You've got this, OP! Don't look back.
Agree with 09:01. Therapy for you.

[Anonymous]

Im losing my nerve. I hate confrontation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im losing my nerve. I hate confrontation.

Then send a text and then block him. You can be kind in your text, but you need to rip the bandaid off in a way that doesn't allow room for argument.

[Anonymous]

Make sure when you do it you are smart about it , IE if he had any of your possessions at his place, that you care about, or he could destroy to spite you, you get them out of his custody.

Don't be surprised if he then tries to attack your life and wellbeing - calling employers, friends, badmouthing you etc.

Make sure you have people in your life nearby to help support.

When he is being mean , hateful, etc WRITE DOWN how you feel in that moment, you will need to go back to it when you feel like you may get sucked back in, the mind has a good way of underestimating bad times and overestimating good times. It especially helps in these moments to reaffirm "qualifiers" you may have had in your head, like " This action makes it apparent to me that he will choose gambling over his own well being and my happiness, and no amount of concessions on my end is going to fix this"