Breaking up with addicted boyfriend

[Anonymous]

^^^ while

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forget about him. You need to join a codependent anonymous group and go to at least five meetings. Stop focusing on and complaining about him now and forced and focus on what matters—your own issues.

Um, thanks for your comment? Yes I’m familiar with CODA and have been to meetings before.

I don’t think I’m complaining about him but instead dealing with sadness about ending things with someone I care about.

Your later posts do not support this position. You're enabling him and you feel guilty cutting it off.

Enabling him how?

I mean, read your own post. You’re letting him use you. You are enabling him to continue with his addiction with no repercussions. So break up with him. Now. Or keep enabling him.

Using how?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP. it is all about you, and moving forward. You first will have to dig hard into why you have never yet had any healthy romantic relationships, and only then can you move on (not just move on from him--move on in your life).

Give serious consideration to not dating anyone at all for a long while after you break up. Get into therapy and figure out the issue with unhealthy relationships so you do not repeat the pattern again. You can't really do that kind of internal work if you're also trying to date at the same time.
Please update us. I'm concerned for you. But you do know you absolutely need to break up and the sooner the better.

Two years "sober" in 35 years? He can vow he'll finally stop this time, will stop for love of you, but his track record destroys any promises he'll make.

Hi everyone, this is OP back with an update. I finally broke things off with the boyfriend.

I’ve been doing some deep introspection on why I ignored all the red flags and got involved with him and realized how deep and intense my codependency is. I’ve resumed CODA meetings and appointments with my trauma therapist.

I also realized that he fit my toxic dating pattern perfectly despite being an outwardly “nice” guy: was emotionally unavailable, had an addiction and therefore would never truly care about me, love me or prioritize me and his actions didn’t match his words.

It’s still challenging for me to see this stuff clearly since he wasn’t abusive like other men I dated. But he did emotionally manipulate me (whether he meant to or not) with frequent crying and intense conflict avoidance.

I felt uncared for and unprioritized because he often made less than bare minimum effort (mostly texting with some voice messages instead of the calls that I had to ask for numerous times that he said he couldn’t do much due to social anxiety; often didn’t make any plans at all but waited until I was there for me to decide, was almost always late(often by a lot), didn’t really listen to me or hear me.

I sacrificed a lot for him and it wasn’t reciprocated. The relationship didn’t make me feel happy or fulfilled but my guilt over hurting him and my codependency issues kept me there until
I could gather the strength to leave.

Thank you for all of the messages and support here, I referred back to them to help me through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You feel rejected and abandoned already? After a few months of dating? This man is a mess. He is 53 and lives with his parents. You probably need some therapy to figure out why you like a guy with these issues.

Probably due to loneliness and slim pickings in that age group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You feel rejected and abandoned already? After a few months of dating? This man is a mess. He is 53 and lives with his parents. You probably need some therapy to figure out why you like a guy with these issues.

Probably due to loneliness and slim pickings in that age group.

Does that make you feel better about yourself jerk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. I’ve done a lot of my own work but clearly still have issues with codependency.

I thought and hoped I could help and support him but obviously I can’t. The part I’m struggling with most is whether he even cared about me at all 😞.

I'm sure he cares about you. But he probably isn't optimistic at all about kicking his addiction.

At his age, living with parents and having them be the financial monitors is a pretty bad sign.

Going to "just one meeting" probably wasn't emotionally simple at all. Because that action would be a success forecast.

Forgive him but move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP. it is all about you, and moving forward. You first will have to dig hard into why you have never yet had any healthy romantic relationships, and only then can you move on (not just move on from him--move on in your life).

Give serious consideration to not dating anyone at all for a long while after you break up. Get into therapy and figure out the issue with unhealthy relationships so you do not repeat the pattern again. You can't really do that kind of internal work if you're also trying to date at the same time.
Please update us. I'm concerned for you. But you do know you absolutely need to break up and the sooner the better.

Two years "sober" in 35 years? He can vow he'll finally stop this time, will stop for love of you, but his track record destroys any promises he'll make.

Hi everyone, this is OP back with an update. I finally broke things off with the boyfriend.

I’ve been doing some deep introspection on why I ignored all the red flags and got involved with him and realized how deep and intense my codependency is. I’ve resumed CODA meetings and appointments with my trauma therapist.

I also realized that he fit my toxic dating pattern perfectly despite being an outwardly “nice” guy: was emotionally unavailable, had an addiction and therefore would never truly care about me, love me or prioritize me and his actions didn’t match his words.

It’s still challenging for me to see this stuff clearly since he wasn’t abusive like other men I dated. But he did emotionally manipulate me (whether he meant to or not) with frequent crying and intense conflict avoidance.

I felt uncared for and unprioritized because he often made less than bare minimum effort (mostly texting with some voice messages instead of the calls that I had to ask for numerous times that he said he couldn’t do much due to social anxiety; often didn’t make any plans at all but waited until I was there for me to decide, was almost always late(often by a lot), didn’t really listen to me or hear me.

I sacrificed a lot for him and it wasn’t reciprocated. The relationship didn’t make me feel happy or fulfilled but my guilt over hurting him and my codependency issues kept me there until
I could gather the strength to leave.

Thank you for all of the messages and support here, I referred back to them to help me through.

Good for you, OP! Wishing you happiness and peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP. it is all about you, and moving forward. You first will have to dig hard into why you have never yet had any healthy romantic relationships, and only then can you move on (not just move on from him--move on in your life).

Give serious consideration to not dating anyone at all for a long while after you break up. Get into therapy and figure out the issue with unhealthy relationships so you do not repeat the pattern again. You can't really do that kind of internal work if you're also trying to date at the same time.
Please update us. I'm concerned for you. But you do know you absolutely need to break up and the sooner the better.

Two years "sober" in 35 years? He can vow he'll finally stop this time, will stop for love of you, but his track record destroys any promises he'll make.

Hi everyone, this is OP back with an update. I finally broke things off with the boyfriend.

I’ve been doing some deep introspection on why I ignored all the red flags and got involved with him and realized how deep and intense my codependency is. I’ve resumed CODA meetings and appointments with my trauma therapist.

I also realized that he fit my toxic dating pattern perfectly despite being an outwardly “nice” guy: was emotionally unavailable, had an addiction and therefore would never truly care about me, love me or prioritize me and his actions didn’t match his words.

It’s still challenging for me to see this stuff clearly since he wasn’t abusive like other men I dated. But he did emotionally manipulate me (whether he meant to or not) with frequent crying and intense conflict avoidance.

I felt uncared for and unprioritized because he often made less than bare minimum effort (mostly texting with some voice messages instead of the calls that I had to ask for numerous times that he said he couldn’t do much due to social anxiety; often didn’t make any plans at all but waited until I was there for me to decide, was almost always late(often by a lot), didn’t really listen to me or hear me.

I sacrificed a lot for him and it wasn’t reciprocated. The relationship didn’t make me feel happy or fulfilled but my guilt over hurting him and my codependency issues kept me there until
I could gather the strength to leave.

Thank you for all of the messages and support here, I referred back to them to help me through.

You are amazing! You did the hard work and are understanding why this relationship was not going to be good. It seems like you've had a lot of growth or at least reckonings in the last two months. Your post today seems pretty clear that you know the work you need to do to disrupt these patterns. It's really brave to confront yourself. Big hug! Sending you strength. Hopefully you will update when there are times you could use some virtual support to confirm that you did the right thing. Brava!!

[Anonymous]

It's really hard, OP, but you did the right thing.

Love is not enough. I am divorcing an addict I've been with for 20+ years. It's incredibly painful, but he is not a trustworthy or dependable partner and I need to create a stable life for me and my kids that isn't at risk ofbbeing blown up by his poor decisions.

[Anonymous]

Move on now ..

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the replies everyone.

I’m trying to work up the strength to block him completely now. I’m struggling with feeling “mean” for cutting off his access to me but I need to protect myself.

[Anonymous]

Good job so far, OP! Prioritize yourself. Please block him, because he will make every effort to suck you back in and that's not healthy for either of you.

[Anonymous]

You two need to break up and work on yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You two need to break up and work on yourselves.

Always a good idea to read the entire thread before you post an opinion, PP. The OP already came back with an update. They've broken up. And she is working on herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You two need to break up and work on yourselves.

Always a good idea to read the entire thread before you post an opinion, PP. The OP already came back with an update. They've broken up. And she is working on herself.

They've broken up but OP makes it sound like they are still talking. I bet she takes him back.