Breaking up with addicted boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Run!

[Anonymous]

Gosh, I think I am addicted in a way…my codependency is very strong. I’m having second thoughts about ending it with him. This isn’t good.

Logically I know I have to but emotionally I don’t want to let him go. I feel like I’m not strong enough to do to this.

[Anonymous]

Ok, keep dating a gambling addict who lives with his mommy because you can't make a phone call.

That makes total sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, keep dating a gambling addict who lives with his mommy because you can't make a phone call.

That makes total sense.

Unhelpful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, keep dating a gambling addict who lives with his mommy because you can't make a phone call.

That makes total sense.

Unhelpful

Did you want help? Because people have given it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, I think I am addicted in a way…my codependency is very strong. I’m having second thoughts about ending it with him. This isn’t good.

Logically I know I have to but emotionally I don’t want to let him go. I feel like I’m not strong enough to do to this.

Lady how old are you? I stopped giving a shit about hurting men's feelings when I was 35.

[Anonymous]

Op, I had my fair share of unhealthy relationships for far too long. Not all addicts but…the common denominator was me. I focused so much on solving their problems, rescuing “brilliant” men with “potential” while ignoring what everyone else could see so plainly. Took lots of therapy and unpacking my early life (borderline needy/waif mentally ill
mother; distant, genius, hot/cold father, no nurturing childhood) to see that I was attracted to catastrophes because if I could fix them, maybe I could fix myself , etc etc.

I can guess why you can’t see him the way the rest of us do. You want to believe in his potential, his love, with the right person he could flourish etc…but I also think you do know, deep down inside, that you can’t save him and that you deserve better but you also feel deeply conflicted. The conflict is within you. Even feeling terrible about braki you is you assuming a kind of responsibility for his emotional well being that is not necessary.

You deserve a healthy relationship with a well adjusted , healthy, normal man who loves you for who you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I had my fair share of unhealthy relationships for far too long. Not all addicts but…the common denominator was me. I focused so much on solving their problems, rescuing “brilliant” men with “potential” while ignoring what everyone else could see so plainly. Took lots of therapy and unpacking my early life (borderline needy/waif mentally ill
mother; distant, genius, hot/cold father, no nurturing childhood) to see that I was attracted to catastrophes because if I could fix them, maybe I could fix myself , etc etc.

I can guess why you can’t see him the way the rest of us do. You want to believe in his potential, his love, with the right person he could flourish etc…but I also think you do know, deep down inside, that you can’t save him and that you deserve better but you also feel deeply conflicted. The conflict is within you. Even feeling terrible about braki you is you assuming a kind of responsibility for his emotional well being that is not necessary.

You deserve a healthy relationship with a well adjusted , healthy, normal man who loves you for who you are.

Thank you PP. yes, this resonates a lot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, I think I am addicted in a way…my codependency is very strong. I’m having second thoughts about ending it with him. This isn’t good.

Logically I know I have to but emotionally I don’t want to let him go. I feel like I’m not strong enough to do to this.

Lady how old are you? I stopped giving a shit about hurting men's feelings when I was 35.

+1
DTMFA

[Anonymous]

You said this: "(this was the first healthy romantic relationship for me, ever)."

What you need to realize is that is false. This is in no way a healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

Addiction has nothing to do w/you OP.

Not at all.

Your boyfriend sounds like he is in a very low place in his life right now…..
Fifty-three and cannot live on his own!??

Cannot handle his own money as well??
He needs a lot of serious help & staying w/him will only bring you down which I am sure you have already realized.

If he turns mean + ugly after you issue him his walking papers, then block him from contacting you.

Hopefully he will not put up a fight w/your decision and will accept your choice in the end.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He suckered you into being his codependent, ready to fix his problems for him, in short order. It doesn’t matter whether he realizes that he did this or if it’s just habit. Or whether he cares about you or not. The only thing that matters is that this is a dysfunctional, codependent relationship that you can’t make healthy and must end. And the only thing that you should consider is why you were attracted to the dysfunction and actually thought that it was your job to do something about it. Because an emotionally healthy person would have stopped seeing him at the first sign of addiction and dysfunction. In other words, fix yourself, not him.

Agree with this except with gentler language. It’s ok to be compassionate and empathetic. But not to the point it sets your life on fire.

[Anonymous]

Since you're in therapy, work this with your therapist (or find a new one, because I'm not sure your new one is helpful).

And Al-Anon. No cost. No committment. But find one where you can work the steps, because it would help you so much. And a community would give you strength to go through with this and stay doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forget about him. You need to join a codependent anonymous group and go to at least five meetings. Stop focusing on and complaining about him now and forced and focus on what matters—your own issues.

Um, thanks for your comment? Yes I’m familiar with CODA and have been to meetings before.

I don’t think I’m complaining about him but instead dealing with sadness about ending things with someone I care about.

Your later posts do not support this position. You're enabling him and you feel guilty cutting it off.

Enabling him how?

I mean, read your own post. You’re letting him use you. You are enabling him to continue with his addiction with no repercussions. So break up with him. Now. Or keep enabling him.

[Anonymous]

Call him whole with your therapist then.