Breaking up with addicted boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forget about him. You need to join a codependent anonymous group and go to at least five meetings. Stop focusing on and complaining about him now and forced and focus on what matters—your own issues.

Um, thanks for your comment? Yes I’m familiar with CODA and have been to meetings before.

I don’t think I’m complaining about him but instead dealing with sadness about ending things with someone I care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forget about him. You need to join a codependent anonymous group and go to at least five meetings. Stop focusing on and complaining about him now and forced and focus on what matters—your own issues.

This OP. Meetings like Al-Anon will focus on you, which is what you need to do right now. Get you healthy. It's a process. At least get to the point where you want to get healthy and you're doing things like going to meetings yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP the fact that you went on a second or third date with this guy means you need to take a break from dating and spend the time on extra therapy sessions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the fact that you went on a second or third date with this guy means you need to take a break from dating and spend the time on extra therapy sessions.

Yes I will definitely not be dating. I didn’t find out about his addiction for some time though.

[Anonymous]

This is not about you and you also should break up with him. Gambling addiction - any addiction - is a dealbreaker in dating. Consider yourself lucky you found out early.

[Anonymous]

I’m married to an addict (alcohol/drugs). The only reason he stopped is I caught him one time and made it EXTREMELY clear there would be no second time. I would not monitor him, I would not play mommy, but if it happened again we were done, and I would absolutely not help him deal with any consequences (such as driving him if he got a DUI and lost his license).

When we got married we signed a prenup and keep finances separate so if he does relapse, I can leave quickly and there’s little mess.

That’s really the only way to handle addicts. You can’t help them by finding meetings, encouraging them to go, etc. They really only understand consequences, and the consequences have to be severe. The pain of using had to be stronger than the pain of not using.

Sometime the most caring, loving thing you can do for a person is let them be an adult and run their own lives.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this will help: He *does* care about you, he just cares about his addiction more. You get to decide if the amount of care he's showing you, and the ways he's showing it, works for you. It doesn't.

Personalizing it and framing it as "if only he loved me more, he'd..." is manipulative, likely co-dependant, and most importantly: useless. Regardless of how you see it, or how you wish he saw it, the facts of the situation are what they are: He's an addict who isn't willing to actively work on his recovery, and that's incompatible with your relationship goals.

Feel your feelings, grieve what might've been, and then make the next right choice. You know what it is.

[Anonymous]

Most of the people commenting have never been through what you are going through. Addiction is a disease and like all diseases there is a chance of recovery.

Addiction is the by product of mental illness. You need to have boundaries and understand you didn't cause it, you can't change it and you can't cure it.

No matter how many times he tries recovery, it won't work until he is ready.

I speak from the position of someone who has a child in recovery for their addiction. Until we stopped enabling, and even the smallest amount of enabling is bad, and until they want to get well, you have to end everything with them. No contact. Maybe they recover maybe they don't but it's not up to you or anything you can do about it. It's a hard thing to go through.

Most people do not understand addiction and think it can never happen to them and when it does they go into hiding and don't talk about it. Mental health is finally being talked about and you would be supposed how many of us have a close on in recovery or dealing with something like this.

I am not telling you what to do, that's your choice. Our choice was to stop all contact and everything. Fortunately things are going well many years later and continued treatment. That's a key component that many don't continue with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to an addict (alcohol/drugs). The only reason he stopped is I caught him one time and made it EXTREMELY clear there would be no second time. I would not monitor him, I would not play mommy, but if it happened again we were done, and I would absolutely not help him deal with any consequences (such as driving him if he got a DUI and lost his license).

When we got married we signed a prenup and keep finances separate so if he does relapse, I can leave quickly and there’s little mess.

That’s really the only way to handle addicts. You can’t help them by finding meetings, encouraging them to go, etc. They really only understand consequences, and the consequences have to be severe. The pain of using had to be stronger than the pain of not using.

Sometime the most caring, loving thing you can do for a person is let them be an adult and run their own lives.

Thank you for your perspective. I realize that me being supportive and caring was not going to do anything and that in a way I was enabling him by still being there no matter what. He has to come to the realization that he needs to make a change for himself and on his own, by hitting rock bottom.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry. You need to get out. I seriously dated a guy with an addiction. He wanted to get married and I knew I had to get out. It was 100% the right choice. His life just spiraled down with his addiction, and he ended up dying from it. It is sad, but you cannot save him. I hope you have support from family/friends. Peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the people commenting have never been through what you are going through. Addiction is a disease and like all diseases there is a chance of recovery.

Addiction is the by product of mental illness. You need to have boundaries and understand you didn't cause it, you can't change it and you can't cure it.

No matter how many times he tries recovery, it won't work until he is ready.

I speak from the position of someone who has a child in recovery for their addiction. Until we stopped enabling, and even the smallest amount of enabling is bad, and until they want to get well, you have to end everything with them. No contact. Maybe they recover maybe they don't but it's not up to you or anything you can do about it. It's a hard thing to go through.

Most people do not understand addiction and think it can never happen to them and when it does they go into hiding and don't talk about it. Mental health is finally being talked about and you would be supposed how many of us have a close on in recovery or dealing with something like this.

I am not telling you what to do, that's your choice. Our choice was to stop all contact and everything. Fortunately things are going well many years later and continued treatment. That's a key component that many don't continue with.

Thank you for sharing your important perspective and I very much appreciate your empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this will help: He *does* care about you, he just cares about his addiction more. You get to decide if the amount of care he's showing you, and the ways he's showing it, works for you. It doesn't.

Personalizing it and framing it as "if only he loved me more, he'd..." is manipulative, likely co-dependant, and most importantly: useless. Regardless of how you see it, or how you wish he saw it, the facts of the situation are what they are: He's an addict who isn't willing to actively work on his recovery, and that's incompatible with your relationship goals.

Feel your feelings, grieve what might've been, and then make the next right choice. You know what it is.

I think this is the most helpful thing on here.

[Anonymous]

Get therapy. What you have been told is true, so maybe having a therapist repeat it to you will work.

My mother chose drinking over her own children and grandchildren. It is what it is and it doesn't have anything to do with us or mean we're the problem.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate all of your replies. I forgot to mention that the main reason I didn’t break up with him immediately is that he’s had serious issues with depression in the past, including inpatient mental health hospitalization, and I was afraid this could trigger him to do something dangerous.

But I now realize I can’t control anyone else’s behavior and I have to look out for my own health and safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate all of your replies. I forgot to mention that the main reason I didn’t break up with him immediately is that he’s had serious issues with depression in the past, including inpatient mental health hospitalization, and I was afraid this could trigger him to do something dangerous.

But I now realize I can’t control anyone else’s behavior and I have to look out for my own health and safety.

PP from above. When I broke up with the guy, he attempted suicide. You still have to get out. You cannot be responsible for him. It isn’t your responsibility. Every counselor I spoke to told me the same thing. You don’t have to be a jerk or mean, but you do have to be strong and not go back. I am really sorry. It is a terrible situation. But think what you would tell a friend or child. Get out.