Breaking up with addicted boyfriend

[Anonymous]

I’ve been dating my new boyfriend for a few months. I was so happy and excited because he is a kind, caring and gentle man and we have so many things in common (this was the first healthy romantic relationship for me, ever).

I found out he has a very serious gambling addiction (two non-consecutive years clean in over 35 years addicted, lives rent-free and expense-free with parents at age 53 because of his significant debt and parents monitor the money).

He told me he wants to change and get help, that’s he’s terrified of losing me, I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. Yet when I found a new group for him to try (didn’t like GA) and continued to express support and encouragement he didn’t go to even one meeting. He got very cold and defensive with me for even asking about it and I sensed a distinct change in his behavior.

I’m planning to break up with him and struggling because I hate confrontation and I’m afraid he will turn mean and angry (like my ex-husband, who o had to get an order of protection against).

Logically I understand that addicts will pick their addiction over and over. Everyone keeps telling me that it isn’t personal, this is the nature of addiction.

And yet…I can’t help but feel like if he really cared about me he would have tried to stop, even tried a little.
But he didn’t.
People have gotten help, made the effort and turned their lives around even without hitting rock bottom. Why couldn’t he do that, at least try that by going to at least one meeting, for me?

I feel like he must not have cared about me the way he said he did, that I don’t matter to him the way he insisted I did.
I feel like he manipulated me with his empty words and (crocodile?) tears, that he could say any stupid thing but it clearly meant nothing because he would never change, not even and especially not for me and him.

I thought I meant more to him.
I can’t help but feel rejected and abandoned.

But how can I possibly NOT take it personally, especially with my significant personal trauma history involving rejection and abandonment?

It hurts so much, please be kind.

[Anonymous]

You need to join a group like Al-anon, even if it’s gambling it’s the same behavior and the same feelings. You only have control over you and your life. He is sick, and he cannot get free without seeking help on his own. Break it off and jet him know that if he ever has a year of no gambling under his belt, to give you a call.
Good luck and get to a meeting

[Anonymous]

He suckered you into being his codependent, ready to fix his problems for him, in short order. It doesn’t matter whether he realizes that he did this or if it’s just habit. Or whether he cares about you or not. The only thing that matters is that this is a dysfunctional, codependent relationship that you can’t make healthy and must end. And the only thing that you should consider is why you were attracted to the dysfunction and actually thought that it was your job to do something about it. Because an emotionally healthy person would have stopped seeing him at the first sign of addiction and dysfunction. In other words, fix yourself, not him.

[Anonymous]

Run Forrest Run !!!!

[Anonymous]

Dump him and move on OP.

Why are you even thinking about this.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the replies. I’ve done a lot of my own work but clearly still have issues with codependency.

I thought and hoped I could help and support him but obviously I can’t. The part I’m struggling with most is whether he even cared about me at all 😞.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. My marriage with an addict ended after 2 decades and I struggle to figure out if he cared about me ever.

[Anonymous]

If you’re scared of his reaction to the break up, do it over text. Better that you’re safe.

[Anonymous]

OP, he did/does care about you. But he is an ADDICT. At this point in life, nothing will change him. Not his love for you, not his love for his parents. NOTHING.

Consider yourself lucky that you can walk away now. In fact. RUN.

[Anonymous]

if you haven't before- you need individual therapy, it will help you greatly. You started off by saying this was the first healthy romantic relationship you've had, yet this isn't/ wasn't a healthy relationship at all. I would explore what a healthy relationship should consist of, and most importantly, your own value and boundaries. Don't spend your time trying to figure out the why of his addiction and did he or did he not really mean the things he said- it's a rabbit hole you'll never get to the bottom of and soon you'll learn, it doesn't matter. best of luck to you-

[Anonymous]

Addicts cannot let themselves actually care about you, because if they did they would have to be working through the middle parts of the 12 steps (taking inventory of themselves and apologizing to people they hurt) and since they haven't even started the steps they aren't ready for that.

They might want to care about you and have glimmers of it, but they can't really let themselves, because that gets in the way of the addiction. It's not even a tiny bit about you or your worth. It's the logic of addiction.

I 100% agree that Al-Anon is for you. Even start with their literature if you're too busy for meetings. It's all about dealing with you not the addict.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the replies. Yes I continue to get therapy, there’s a lot of trauma and abuse in my past. I do recognize that this man fits the pattern of me dating emotionally unavailable men—although before I found out about his addiction I was so happy and pleased because I thought things were different this time.

[Anonymous]

Forget about him. You need to join a codependent anonymous group and go to at least five meetings. Stop focusing on and complaining about him now and forced and focus on what matters—your own issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. I’ve done a lot of my own work but clearly still have issues with codependency.

I thought and hoped I could help and support him but obviously I can’t. The part I’m struggling with most is whether he even cared about me at all 😞.

Remember, it’s not about you. He is sick, his brain is hijacked and he can’t care about anything but his object of addiction.

[Anonymous]

You feel rejected and abandoned already? After a few months of dating? This man is a mess. He is 53 and lives with his parents. You probably need some therapy to figure out why you like a guy with these issues.