Breaking up with addicted boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate all of your replies. I forgot to mention that the main reason I didn’t break up with him immediately is that he’s had serious issues with depression in the past, including inpatient mental health hospitalization, and I was afraid this could trigger him to do something dangerous.

But I now realize I can’t control anyone else’s behavior and I have to look out for my own health and safety.

The above reinforces very strongly that something like Al-Anon could benefit you. You really need to finally be able to convince yourself that you cannot control/are not responsible for anyone's behavior but your own. Yes you have to draw your boundaries with kindness, but someone else's response to your boundaries isn't your fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate all of your replies. I forgot to mention that the main reason I didn’t break up with him immediately is that he’s had serious issues with depression in the past, including inpatient mental health hospitalization, and I was afraid this could trigger him to do something dangerous.

But I now realize I can’t control anyone else’s behavior and I have to look out for my own health and safety.

PP from above. When I broke up with the guy, he attempted suicide. You still have to get out. You cannot be responsible for him. It isn’t your responsibility. Every counselor I spoke to told me the same thing. You don’t have to be a jerk or mean, but you do have to be strong and not go back. I am really sorry. It is a terrible situation. But think what you would tell a friend or child. Get out.

This. Just keep saying it over and over again until it sticks. OP, don't let this guy drag you down. Cut ties, block him, and move on with your life. He is not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forget about him. You need to join a codependent anonymous group and go to at least five meetings. Stop focusing on and complaining about him now and forced and focus on what matters—your own issues.

Um, thanks for your comment? Yes I’m familiar with CODA and have been to meetings before.

I don’t think I’m complaining about him but instead dealing with sadness about ending things with someone I care about.

Your later posts do not support this position. You're enabling him and you feel guilty cutting it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. Yes I continue to get therapy, there’s a lot of trauma and abuse in my past. I do recognize that this man fits the pattern of me dating emotionally unavailable men—although before I found out about his addiction I was so happy and pleased because I thought things were different this time.

You were so happy and pleased with...a 53-year old man who lives with his parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the fact that you went on a second or third date with this guy means you need to take a break from dating and spend the time on extra therapy sessions.

Yes I will definitely not be dating. I didn’t find out about his addiction for some time though.

Why did you think he still lived with his mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. Yes I continue to get therapy, there’s a lot of trauma and abuse in my past. I do recognize that this man fits the pattern of me dating emotionally unavailable men—although before I found out about his addiction I was so happy and pleased because I thought things were different this time.

You were so happy and pleased with...a 53-year old man who lives with his parents?

OP, It is also true that you will get a lot more sympathy (even if tough love) from a meeting than from an anonymous message board, especially one like DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to an addict (alcohol/drugs). The only reason he stopped is I caught him one time and made it EXTREMELY clear there would be no second time. I would not monitor him, I would not play mommy, but if it happened again we were done, and I would absolutely not help him deal with any consequences (such as driving him if he got a DUI and lost his license).

When we got married we signed a prenup and keep finances separate so if he does relapse, I can leave quickly and there’s little mess.

That’s really the only way to handle addicts. You can’t help them by finding meetings, encouraging them to go, etc. They really only understand consequences, and the consequences have to be severe. The pain of using had to be stronger than the pain of not using.

Sometime the most caring, loving thing you can do for a person is let them be an adult and run their own lives.

Did you have children with this guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. I’ve done a lot of my own work but clearly still have issues with codependency.

I thought and hoped I could help and support him but obviously I can’t. The part I’m struggling with most is whether he even cared about me at all 😞.

Addicts care about using, nothing to do with you at all.

CODA.org meetings for you, try 30 in 30, will be too busy to ruminate over your latest broken toy. A mix of in person and online is optimal. Were your parents addicts or mentally ill? ACoA. Were you sexually abused? SIA.

If you are not a troll, this was NOT the first healthy relationship, don’t date for a year and get your head on straight.

[Anonymous]

It’s very expensive to live around here. A lot of people post-divorce move back in with family until they get back on their feet, myself included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. Yes I continue to get therapy, there’s a lot of trauma and abuse in my past. I do recognize that this man fits the pattern of me dating emotionally unavailable men—although before I found out about his addiction I was so happy and pleased because I thought things were different this time.

You were so happy and pleased with...a 53-year old man who lives with his parents?

OP, It is also true that you will get a lot more sympathy (even if tough love) from a meeting than from an anonymous message board, especially one like DCUM.

Yes, agreed…I did ask that people be kind but 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. I’ve done a lot of my own work but clearly still have issues with codependency.

I thought and hoped I could help and support him but obviously I can’t. The part I’m struggling with most is whether he even cared about me at all 😞.

Addicts care about using, nothing to do with you at all.

CODA.org meetings for you, try 30 in 30, will be too busy to ruminate over your latest broken toy. A mix of in person and online is optimal. Were your parents addicts or mentally ill? ACoA. Were you sexually abused? SIA.

If you are not a troll, this was NOT the first healthy relationship, don’t date for a year and get your head on straight.

Of course I’m not a troll, I posted because I need support.

Obviously it wasn’t a healthy relationship but it seemed like it could be before I found out about his addiction.

[Anonymous]

People, stop blaming her for not seeing his illness sooner. It’s not going to help. He has become good at masking by now.
She needs support and people who understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate all of your replies. I forgot to mention that the main reason I didn’t break up with him immediately is that he’s had serious issues with depression in the past, including inpatient mental health hospitalization, and I was afraid this could trigger him to do something dangerous.

But I now realize I can’t control anyone else’s behavior and I have to look out for my own health and safety.

The above reinforces very strongly that something like Al-Anon could benefit you. You really need to finally be able to convince yourself that you cannot control/are not responsible for anyone's behavior but your own. Yes you have to draw your boundaries with kindness, but someone else's response to your boundaries isn't your fault.

Are you a troll, OP? How is it you described this as your 1st healthy rx?

Do you have children? If yes, do not date until they are adults. Work on your codependency in the meantime. Only someone really messed up would have had ANYTHING to do with that guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate all of your replies. I forgot to mention that the main reason I didn’t break up with him immediately is that he’s had serious issues with depression in the past, including inpatient mental health hospitalization, and I was afraid this could trigger him to do something dangerous.

But I now realize I can’t control anyone else’s behavior and I have to look out for my own health and safety.

The above reinforces very strongly that something like Al-Anon could benefit you. You really need to finally be able to convince yourself that you cannot control/are not responsible for anyone's behavior but your own. Yes you have to draw your boundaries with kindness, but someone else's response to your boundaries isn't your fault.

Are you a troll, OP? How is it you described this as your 1st healthy rx?

Do you have children? If yes, do not date until they are adults. Work on your codependency in the meantime. Only someone really messed up would have had ANYTHING to do with that guy.

OP here—I thought it could have been my first healthy relationship *before I found out about his addiction.*

You don’t have to be so judgmental, I really don’t find that kind or helpful at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forget about him. You need to join a codependent anonymous group and go to at least five meetings. Stop focusing on and complaining about him now and forced and focus on what matters—your own issues.

Um, thanks for your comment? Yes I’m familiar with CODA and have been to meetings before.

I don’t think I’m complaining about him but instead dealing with sadness about ending things with someone I care about.

Your later posts do not support this position. You're enabling him and you feel guilty cutting it off.

Enabling him how?