Getting Dh home sooner- how?

[Anonymous]

He’s Club Fed and supposedly lives 15 mins max from his office where most ppl work 7am to 3pm.

oP’s post doesn’t add up at all.

Has OP written this same stuff before?

[Anonymous]

My exDH was like this. Also traveled a ton, tacking extra days on both sides.

We divorced when the youngest was 9. On his custody days, he managed to step up and do what needed to be done.

I wish I’d drawn firmer boundaries when the kids were younger, as other posters are suggesting, eg by swapping pickup days. While he might not have done things the way I would have liked (eg, left kids at daycare until 630p), that’s also the way things are if you split.

Instead I ran myself ragged, and a lot of resentment built up. Our marriage wasn’t able to recover from that (plus he cheated, but that’s a separate story).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? With your scenario, at 5+ just tell them to get ready for bed and go to bed. No extras.

i

Op here- they’re 1,4 and 6. Going to bed isn’t the problem actually. It’s making dinner, getting kids to eat, getting them bathed and entertaining them until bed. I enjoy reading to kids and putting them to bed. Some nights it’s chaos

I really don’t want a spa day on the weekend or time to myself on the weekend. I need to have my nights run smoother. I can’t handle them at night. They’re great during the day but 4-8pm is hell.

I'd hire help. Someone can entertain the 4 & 6 year old while you put the baby down. A neighborhood teenager is perfect for this because you're in the house if there is a problem.

Also, simplify dinners as much as possible. If your DH won't help with the kids in the evening, perhaps he is willing to prep dinner or throw it in the slow cooker in the morning.

Neighborhood teenagers don't do this. If you're looking for part time evening help, you're going to be paying upwards of $20/hour just to get someone who is going to keep your kids alive.

+1

The ridiculous hire-a-teenager thing around here is nonsense. It isn't 1978.

Someone would do it for $20/hr, but then you have the additional mental load/worry about managing a household employee, and what if she calls out or is sick or if her school schedule changes and now she can’t do it and I have to find someone else. Wonder if she could hire a full time nanny with somewhat non-standard hours like 12-8? It’s annoying that it has to come to that because her husband won’t help out though.

My husband travels for work and I hired an afterschoool sitter starting about a 7 years ago, 5-8 pm. Even then it was about $22-25 an hour. You have to pay a lot for part time, evening hours if you want someone good who will stick around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH got home at 7:30pm a lot when my kids were little. It wasn't because he was wasting time or being selfish or deceitful, it was because he worked until 6 and sometimes his boss wanted something or wanted to talk until 6:30 and traffic put him between 40-65 minutes for the commute.

We need more details about how commute and demands.

I mean, if his hours are flexible and the office clears at 4:59pm and he lives 3 miles from work, yeah, this is not a good situation.

But if his work culture is that people stick around until 6:30 or 7 sometimes and he works in Arlington and you live in Gainesville, that's more than within reason.

Salary probably doesn't impact those factors. So if it's the former you need to have a hard talk...like once he drops the kids off he should be heading into work, not back home (I do this). Or if it's the later, he might want to look for a new job with better hours or closer to home or remote.

Op here. He has a 10-15 min commute. It’s not his boss or coworkers staying late. He likes his job and finds it interesting. I think he just loses track of time. I sort of get it. I know at my job I’m most productive starting at 2pm and it’s painful to drag myself away to go get all the kids.

He’s a fed so his job is more flexible than most. A lot of his coworkers work 7-3:30.

I tried the nanny route all summer long and it was hard. Nanny was 25 but just wasn’t helpful. She seemed responsible but didn’t know how to cook absolutely anything, didn’t know how to work a dishwasher and had trouble maintaining discipline (and my kids are pretty well behaved). Managing her was a big headache and I’m not eager to try again. I don’t really want someone to just watch the kids while I cook, I’d like someone to help cook, talk to me about their day and wrangle kids with me.

My job doesn’t have part time options but I think that would solve a lot of problems.

Fool’s errand to hold out on help for a cook. There’s a lot of options from hello fresh to slow cooker meals to even locally operated stock-the-fridge meal companies that you can choose for the food component. It’s childcare assistance you need OP. In no time, you’re going to want to be splitting up the kids and taking the oldest to her first soccer practice or after school art class. With three those ages, spending every evening at home is unrealistic. Either husband helps or you need a sitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? With your scenario, at 5+ just tell them to get ready for bed and go to bed. No extras.

i

Op here- they’re 1,4 and 6. Going to bed isn’t the problem actually. It’s making dinner, getting kids to eat, getting them bathed and entertaining them until bed. I enjoy reading to kids and putting them to bed. Some nights it’s chaos

I really don’t want a spa day on the weekend or time to myself on the weekend. I need to have my nights run smoother. I can’t handle them at night. They’re great during the day but 4-8pm is hell.

I'd hire help. Someone can entertain the 4 & 6 year old while you put the baby down. A neighborhood teenager is perfect for this because you're in the house if there is a problem.

Also, simplify dinners as much as possible. If your DH won't help with the kids in the evening, perhaps he is willing to prep dinner or throw it in the slow cooker in the morning.

Neighborhood teenagers don't do this. If you're looking for part time evening help, you're going to be paying upwards of $20/hour just to get someone who is going to keep your kids alive.

+1

The ridiculous hire-a-teenager thing around here is nonsense. It isn't 1978.

Someone would do it for $20/hr, but then you have the additional mental load/worry about managing a household employee, and what if she calls out or is sick or if her school schedule changes and now she can’t do it and I have to find someone else. Wonder if she could hire a full time nanny with somewhat non-standard hours like 12-8? It’s annoying that it has to come to that because her husband won’t help out though.

I was the PP who suggested a neighborhood kid. *shrug* maybe I've just gotten lucky, and I do pay $20/hr, but I've had multiple neighbor kids, high-school seniors, who have been reliable and helpful. It might not be every evening, but a couple days a week babysitting is an attractive gig for some kids.

I have two teens who would be great at this but it doesn’t solve the issue that OP feels let down and unsupported by her spouse.

I get it OP. My DH is a very poor time manager. Thankfully he makes enough that I SAHM - that is the only reason I don’t resent it even more than I do.

[Anonymous]

I am DH who doesn't want to be home early because I dislike my wife so much. Just seeing her damn face gives me anxiety. But she is cheaper to keep. We have come to an agreement that work for us as far as the kids and their schedule. I do all the pick up drop off birthdays breakfast getting ready for school. This is great for me because it avoids me having to interact with her or see her much. I am happy when around my kids but miserable around my wife. And let me say it again she is cheaper to keep than divorce. It sucks but it is what it is. Perhaps when I have the urge to have an affair I'll file for divorce before that comes and will have to live with the financial cost

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am DH who doesn't want to be home early because I dislike my wife so much. Just seeing her damn face gives me anxiety. But she is cheaper to keep. We have come to an agreement that work for us as far as the kids and their schedule. I do all the pick up drop off birthdays breakfast getting ready for school. This is great for me because it avoids me having to interact with her or see her much. I am happy when around my kids but miserable around my wife. And let me say it again she is cheaper to keep than divorce. It sucks but it is what it is. Perhaps when I have the urge to have an affair I'll file for divorce before that comes and will have to live with the financial cost

Your poor kids.

[Anonymous]

Tell him he needs to drop the kids at 7:30 and go to work so he can be home by a reasonable hour. He doesn’t make enough to pull that crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am DH who doesn't want to be home early because I dislike my wife so much. Just seeing her damn face gives me anxiety. But she is cheaper to keep. We have come to an agreement that work for us as far as the kids and their schedule. I do all the pick up drop off birthdays breakfast getting ready for school. This is great for me because it avoids me having to interact with her or see her much. I am happy when around my kids but miserable around my wife. And let me say it again she is cheaper to keep than divorce. It sucks but it is what it is. Perhaps when I have the urge to have an affair I'll file for divorce before that comes and will have to live with the financial cost

My xDH probaby could have written this. Guess how we got to that point? His consistent and extreme refusal to even attempt to participate anywhere close to fairly in the housework and childcare. It started while I was on maternity leave and never got better. Perhaps if you acted like a grownup and did your part you wouldn’t have gotten to that point. (PS - the hour you do in the AM to do breakfast and drop-off is not at all the equivalent to sticking your wife with dinner, bath, bedtime and cleanup every night.)

[Anonymous]

You clearly miss your partner and these are hard kid years too. I would start by signing hp for a workout class etc and have him come home so you can go. It seems he is avoiding home because you just take care of the hard part in the evening.
I did that once a week for a year because my toddler only wanted mommy for bedtime and screamed otherwise when i was in the house. It really helped DH become an equal parent for her.

[Anonymous]

Kids can have bread cheese and fruit for dinner. Are you making a whole big dinner for a man on a weeknight? From scratch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? With your scenario, at 5+ just tell them to get ready for bed and go to bed. No extras.

i

Op here- they’re 1,4 and 6. Going to bed isn’t the problem actually. It’s making dinner, getting kids to eat, getting them bathed and entertaining them until bed. I enjoy reading to kids and putting them to bed. Some nights it’s chaos

I really don’t want a spa day on the weekend or time to myself on the weekend. I need to have my nights run smoother. I can’t handle them at night. They’re great during the day but 4-8pm is hell.

So you decided to reproduce 3 times with this man? Why do women do that?

[Anonymous]

1 4 and 6? Everyone in bed by 7. 6 year old can read for 1/2 an hour.

Don't make your husband's dinner. He can whip it up himself. Don't do his laundry.

You get the idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am DH who doesn't want to be home early because I dislike my wife so much. Just seeing her damn face gives me anxiety. But she is cheaper to keep. We have come to an agreement that work for us as far as the kids and their schedule. I do all the pick up drop off birthdays breakfast getting ready for school. This is great for me because it avoids me having to interact with her or see her much. I am happy when around my kids but miserable around my wife. And let me say it again she is cheaper to keep than divorce. It sucks but it is what it is. Perhaps when I have the urge to have an affair I'll file for divorce before that comes and will have to live with the financial cost

Wonder how bad of a spouse, parent and homeowner you were, and for how many years, to get you to your current point.

Maybe she’ll wake up and divorce you tomorrow.

Or is the agreement actually that it’s cheaper to keep YOU than divorce.

[Anonymous]

What does he do for work?