Getting Dh home sooner- how?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. To answer some questions:
His work hours- he’s on maxi flex so it doesn’t matter as long as he hits 40.

We actually do have a good marriage. And yes this changed a bit over the past year. He didn’t work so long before. The project he’s on is very complex. It’s not me he’s avoiding. He’s happy to spend the rest of the evening with me once the kids are asleep. I think he genuinely forgets what time it is. And yeah it’s very very difficult to manage the kids during this time, we both dread it. He likes kids. I think both of us didn’t realize quite how hard kids are and how much we’d struggle with them.

Both of us have hands on dads and our moms worked. His mom wasn’t a sahm like suggested. We both grew up eating dinner at 6pm with both our parents present.

And over scheduling my kids?? We have a pretty low key schedule. We are healthy and I do cook from scratch, but I make a lot so we eat it as leftovers the next night.

I think it’s his work that’s the issue. He just needs to leave after 8 or 9 hours and tell them to hire more people. I would be fine with him working an extra hour daily. 8-5pm or 8-5:30.

I think you need to have a serious convo with him about doing his part in the evening routine. If he really is just “genuinely forgetting” it’s very simple to set an alarm on your phone or work calendar to remind you “time to go home” at 5 pm. It’s not that hard….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am DH who doesn't want to be home early because I dislike my wife so much. Just seeing her damn face gives me anxiety. But she is cheaper to keep. We have come to an agreement that work for us as far as the kids and their schedule. I do all the pick up drop off birthdays breakfast getting ready for school. This is great for me because it avoids me having to interact with her or see her much. I am happy when around my kids but miserable around my wife. And let me say it again she is cheaper to keep than divorce. It sucks but it is what it is. Perhaps when I have the urge to have an affair I'll file for divorce before that comes and will have to live with the financial cost

I am still married and I have a couple of friends who are divorced and I wonder if this man is one of them. And from talking to other husbands this is not uncommon. I have been married for 25 years and we have had our ups and down, but we work very hard to tolerate respect and love one another. However I am not going to criticize men like this poster. I know someone are taking his wifes side and understand their view. My wife isn't the easiest person, we both equally share chores, communicate and do everything necessary to make our marriage work. I honestly can say that another man would have probably left. It's easy to criticize from far away when someone comes so strongly like this and profess his dislike for his wife.

Not sure how men reach the conclusion that because they dislike their wives, it’s ok to nope out of parenting responsibilities …

Not sure either. But these are the same guys that will nope out of parenting responsibilities with the inevitable divorce, too.

Not every guy. But the ones who do suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am DH who doesn't want to be home early because I dislike my wife so much. Just seeing her damn face gives me anxiety. But she is cheaper to keep. We have come to an agreement that work for us as far as the kids and their schedule. I do all the pick up drop off birthdays breakfast getting ready for school. This is great for me because it avoids me having to interact with her or see her much. I am happy when around my kids but miserable around my wife. And let me say it again she is cheaper to keep than divorce. It sucks but it is what it is. Perhaps when I have the urge to have an affair I'll file for divorce before that comes and will have to live with the financial cost

I am still married and I have a couple of friends who are divorced and I wonder if this man is one of them. And from talking to other husbands this is not uncommon. I have been married for 25 years and we have had our ups and down, but we work very hard to tolerate respect and love one another. However I am not going to criticize men like this poster. I know someone are taking his wifes side and understand their view. My wife isn't the easiest person, we both equally share chores, communicate and do everything necessary to make our marriage work. I honestly can say that another man would have probably left. It's easy to criticize from far away when someone comes so strongly like this and profess his dislike for his wife.

Not sure how men reach the conclusion that because they dislike their wives, it’s ok to nope out of parenting responsibilities …

Not sure either. But these are the same guys that will nope out of parenting responsibilities with the inevitable divorce, too.

Not every guy. But the ones who do suck.

My mother used to tell us that our dad wasn't a responsible parent. Every criticism of our late dad was about him being an irresponsible parent. She never told us actually anything wrong about him as a husband. A few years post divorce we understood exactly why she kept using parental responsibility as a scapegoat and a lie. Our dad was actually a great father, our mother was and still is a narcissist. She made up so many lies. So don't discount the mothers who use their children as a tool. Telling a father he isn't doing what is supposed to do as a dad is a powerful tool and most men care about their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh is good in all other ways but I can’t get him home earlier and this is ruining our marriage. He often gets home at 7-8pm (more like 8 most nights) and kids are in bed. It’s a hard time of night and frankly im not dealing with the kids well.

He’s not a super high earner (140k) and I make more but manage to get home by 5pm.

I feel like this is adhd as well as avoiding the hard parts of being a parent. Despite dropping the kids at school at 7:30 he comes home and messes around and gets to work late.

Any tips on how to get him home sooner? I’m not a nag and am frankly a great wife. This is burning me out. I need my coparent.

Translation:

My husband sucks because he earns less money than me and has to work longer hours to get it.

I don't want to be married to such a loser.

This has nothing to do with division of chores and child care, that's just your pretext, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried something drastic like talking to your husband?

I'm sure she has! I know a husband with six kids and he told my mom ( he was a handyman) that he avoided going home during dinner/bath/bed because he didn't want to help. A lot of men, suck.

+1

Power.

Power to do whatever he wants, when he wants.

Until 50/50 time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frankly, you have to just accept it. There’s no way to get him home earlier if he doesn’t want to. You can tell him how you feel and ask him to do it, but ultimately you can’t control him or his time. I’ve gone through this myself.

And these losers still demand s3x?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was his hours better when you had one kid? Why did you have more? Maybe he could leave earlier maybe not, who knows even in Fed work places it can be dicey.

If you live 10 minutes from his work, you probably are paying a lot for a mortgage. Sell and move to Front Royal or something, let him commute and you SAH.

As a DH, I know most dads are fine with their kids in daycare 7-6:30, see them for an hour maybe a day, and then have their own time for sports or hobbies. We all really want the traditional boomer dad life, with maybe a few more chances to be the fun dad and go to soccer games or coach.

I’m sure your DH had a SAHM, so he is modeling his dad’s lifestyle. Every working family I know has either a part time or SAHM spouse, a full time driving nanny, or nearby grandparents. You need to find what works for you.

Three kids??WTAF? Was he better before the 3rd or are you just glutton for punishment?

During your toddlers are in day care 7am to 6:30pm they’re going to be on monthly basis with all the germs going around. Same for if/when they start pre school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? With your scenario, at 5+ just tell them to get ready for bed and go to bed. No extras.

i

Op here- they’re 1,4 and 6. Going to bed isn’t the problem actually. It’s making dinner, getting kids to eat, getting them bathed and entertaining them until bed. I enjoy reading to kids and putting them to bed. Some nights it’s chaos

I really don’t want a spa day on the weekend or time to myself on the weekend. I need to have my nights run smoother. I can’t handle them at night. They’re great during the day but 4-8pm is hell.

Your kids are sooooo little and he is pulling this?!?! You need to either put your foot down or hire a babysitter each night! That’s insanity!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am DH who doesn't want to be home early because I dislike my wife so much. Just seeing her damn face gives me anxiety. But she is cheaper to keep. We have come to an agreement that work for us as far as the kids and their schedule. I do all the pick up drop off birthdays breakfast getting ready for school. This is great for me because it avoids me having to interact with her or see her much. I am happy when around my kids but miserable around my wife. And let me say it again she is cheaper to keep than divorce. It sucks but it is what it is. Perhaps when I have the urge to have an affair I'll file for divorce before that comes and will have to live with the financial cost

I am still married and I have a couple of friends who are divorced and I wonder if this man is one of them. And from talking to other husbands this is not uncommon. I have been married for 25 years and we have had our ups and down, but we work very hard to tolerate respect and love one another. However I am not going to criticize men like this poster. I know someone are taking his wifes side and understand their view. My wife isn't the easiest person, we both equally share chores, communicate and do everything necessary to make our marriage work. I honestly can say that another man would have probably left. It's easy to criticize from far away when someone comes so strongly like this and profess his dislike for his wife.

Not sure how men reach the conclusion that because they dislike their wives, it’s ok to nope out of parenting responsibilities …

Not sure either. But these are the same guys that will nope out of parenting responsibilities with the inevitable divorce, too.

Not every guy. But the ones who do suck.

My mother used to tell us that our dad wasn't a responsible parent. Every criticism of our late dad was about him being an irresponsible parent. She never told us actually anything wrong about him as a husband. A few years post divorce we understood exactly why she kept using parental responsibility as a scapegoat and a lie. Our dad was actually a great father, our mother was and still is a narcissist. She made up so many lies. So don't discount the mothers who use their children as a tool. Telling a father he isn't doing what is supposed to do as a dad is a powerful tool and most men care about their children.

Stop being ungrateful. Your mother probably did all the hard work rasing you while your dad lived his life. I hope your mother is living her life now hopefully f**g younger men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him that there has been a change at your job (new boss, new project, etc.) and you are no longer able to leave early enough to do pick up. He is now in charge of at least a part of the evening routine. And since you make more money, your job should be prioritized.

The kids will be in after care until 630. That will be his fix

That is not fair to the kids. Don’t make them pay for his mistakes.

No. Can’t run yourself ragged being both the mother and father for 10,20,30,40 years. For your own kids plus your delinquent husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him that there has been a change at your job (new boss, new project, etc.) and you are no longer able to leave early enough to do pick up. He is now in charge of at least a part of the evening routine. And since you make more money, your job should be prioritized.

The kids will be in after care until 630. That will be his fix

That is not fair to the kids. Don’t make them pay for his mistakes.

They have an absentee father.

Nothing can or will make up for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am DH who doesn't want to be home early because I dislike my wife so much. Just seeing her damn face gives me anxiety. But she is cheaper to keep. We have come to an agreement that work for us as far as the kids and their schedule. I do all the pick up drop off birthdays breakfast getting ready for school. This is great for me because it avoids me having to interact with her or see her much. I am happy when around my kids but miserable around my wife. And let me say it again she is cheaper to keep than divorce. It sucks but it is what it is. Perhaps when I have the urge to have an affair I'll file for divorce before that comes and will have to live with the financial cost

I am still married and I have a couple of friends who are divorced and I wonder if this man is one of them. And from talking to other husbands this is not uncommon. I have been married for 25 years and we have had our ups and down, but we work very hard to tolerate respect and love one another. However I am not going to criticize men like this poster. I know someone are taking his wifes side and understand their view. My wife isn't the easiest person, we both equally share chores, communicate and do everything necessary to make our marriage work. I honestly can say that another man would have probably left. It's easy to criticize from far away when someone comes so strongly like this and profess his dislike for his wife.

Not sure how men reach the conclusion that because they dislike their wives, it’s ok to nope out of parenting responsibilities …

Not sure either. But these are the same guys that will nope out of parenting responsibilities with the inevitable divorce, too.

Not every guy. But the ones who do suck.

My mother used to tell us that our dad wasn't a responsible parent. Every criticism of our late dad was about him being an irresponsible parent. She never told us actually anything wrong about him as a husband. A few years post divorce we understood exactly why she kept using parental responsibility as a scapegoat and a lie. Our dad was actually a great father, our mother was and still is a narcissist. She made up so many lies. So don't discount the mothers who use their children as a tool. Telling a father he isn't doing what is supposed to do as a dad is a powerful tool and most men care about their children.

That’s a weird take.

So once you were older, what made him such a great father PP?

What kind of father was he when you were younger and needier? What were the “criticisms” and examples?

Are you comparing your relationships as an adult with each parent to when you were a child with each parent? Hmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am DH who doesn't want to be home early because I dislike my wife so much. Just seeing her damn face gives me anxiety. But she is cheaper to keep. We have come to an agreement that work for us as far as the kids and their schedule. I do all the pick up drop off birthdays breakfast getting ready for school. This is great for me because it avoids me having to interact with her or see her much. I am happy when around my kids but miserable around my wife. And let me say it again she is cheaper to keep than divorce. It sucks but it is what it is. Perhaps when I have the urge to have an affair I'll file for divorce before that comes and will have to live with the financial cost

I am still married and I have a couple of friends who are divorced and I wonder if this man is one of them. And from talking to other husbands this is not uncommon. I have been married for 25 years and we have had our ups and down, but we work very hard to tolerate respect and love one another. However I am not going to criticize men like this poster. I know someone are taking his wifes side and understand their view. My wife isn't the easiest person, we both equally share chores, communicate and do everything necessary to make our marriage work. I honestly can say that another man would have probably left. It's easy to criticize from far away when someone comes so strongly like this and profess his dislike for his wife.

Not sure how men reach the conclusion that because they dislike their wives, it’s ok to nope out of parenting responsibilities …

Not sure either. But these are the same guys that will nope out of parenting responsibilities with the inevitable divorce, too.

Not every guy. But the ones who do suck.

My mother used to tell us that our dad wasn't a responsible parent. Every criticism of our late dad was about him being an irresponsible parent. She never told us actually anything wrong about him as a husband. A few years post divorce we understood exactly why she kept using parental responsibility as a scapegoat and a lie. Our dad was actually a great father, our mother was and still is a narcissist. She made up so many lies. So don't discount the mothers who use their children as a tool. Telling a father he isn't doing what is supposed to do as a dad is a powerful tool and most men care about their children.

What in your mind makes your mother now a narcissist? What behaviors, patterns, showing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? With your scenario, at 5+ just tell them to get ready for bed and go to bed. No extras.

i

Op here- they’re 1,4 and 6. Going to bed isn’t the problem actually. It’s making dinner, getting kids to eat, getting them bathed and entertaining them until bed. I enjoy reading to kids and putting them to bed. Some nights it’s chaos

I really don’t want a spa day on the weekend or time to myself on the weekend. I need to have my nights run smoother. I can’t handle them at night. They’re great during the day but 4-8pm is hell.

That is a tough time of day for this stage of life. If he can't be there at least 3x per week, I'd tell him that you want to hire a teenage babysitter for dinner and bath time.

[Anonymous]

12 hr days for 140k? Hmmmmmmm