Getting Dh home sooner- how?

[Anonymous]

I would alternate weeks. One week you do mornings and he does nights, then switch. Maybe he'll leave them at daycare until 6:30, and that's something you'll have to come to terms with. If he does that and they're hungry and tired and then bedtime is messed up, (hopefully) he'll start realizing what he's been leaving you with. But if not, at least you have half the stress.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand these responses where the wife and kids should suffer for no valid reason. He doesn’t need to stay late. If he wants to stay late, he should have to hire someone and make arrangements for dinner, and he doesn’t stay late until someone is hired.

He also decided to have 3 kids, so he has to take care of them. He’s abusing her sacrifice.

You need to sit him down and lay out the boundaries that you can live with, that are fair to both of you, and fair to your kids, who deserve attention from both of you in the evenings.

Your resentment will build, he will get away with more and more if you don’t set some consequences now. A man who doesn’t respect and take care of the needs of the mother of his children is a loser. Stop this before it becomes a permanent arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Is he aware how stressed out you are in the evening managing it all? It appears he 100% has the flexibility to be home in the evening. Point blank ask him why he doesn't want to participate in the key hours of home life, spend time with his family, be an involved partner and parent? You are drowning and he is looking away. Ask him why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? With your scenario, at 5+ just tell them to get ready for bed and go to bed. No extras.

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Op here- they’re 1,4 and 6. Going to bed isn’t the problem actually. It’s making dinner, getting kids to eat, getting them bathed and entertaining them until bed. I enjoy reading to kids and putting them to bed. Some nights it’s chaos

I really don’t want a spa day on the weekend or time to myself on the weekend. I need to have my nights run smoother. I can’t handle them at night. They’re great during the day but 4-8pm is hell.

Tell him either he participates equally in afterschool pick up, bed, bath and dinner or you will hire an afterschool helper M-F from 5-8 pm.

Also, see if you can do some meal prep on the weekend together.

this is the way. the other alternative is to switch drop off/pickup and have him do pickup so he’s forced to come home at a normal time in the PM.

also I wouldn’t hesitate to go to therapy over this.

Op here. I actually like the idea of switching drop off and pickup. Or at least he gets 2 after care days a week. I had been worried that my kids would be at aftercare until 6:30 though, which made me sad. I often pick them up at 4:30 and we do fun stuff.

This is a you problem, OP. If you want to share responsibility for the kids, you have to allow that your DH gets to make some decisions about how he manages the time when he's responsible. It bothers me that the kids eat junkier food, watch more TV, and clean up less when DH is in charge...but overall I'm happier that I have times when I'm not responsible for everything. You simply have to let go your judgment about his parenting. When my kids were younger, I worried that discipline I was trying to instill might not stick...and I also worried about being the less fun parent and how that would impact our relationship. Now I see that neither were concerns. Kids are pretty disciplined and some of the healthiest eaters I know. They also love spending time with me, even if it's more structured etc than it is with DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH got home at 7:30pm a lot when my kids were little. It wasn't because he was wasting time or being selfish or deceitful, it was because he worked until 6 and sometimes his boss wanted something or wanted to talk until 6:30 and traffic put him between 40-65 minutes for the commute.

We need more details about how commute and demands.

I mean, if his hours are flexible and the office clears at 4:59pm and he lives 3 miles from work, yeah, this is not a good situation.

But if his work culture is that people stick around until 6:30 or 7 sometimes and he works in Arlington and you live in Gainesville, that's more than within reason.

Salary probably doesn't impact those factors. So if it's the former you need to have a hard talk...like once he drops the kids off he should be heading into work, not back home (I do this). Or if it's the later, he might want to look for a new job with better hours or closer to home or remote.

Sorry, OP. That's difficult.

I would absolutely have a come to Jesus talk with him. For starters, if he is taking the kids to school he needs to go straight to work. If he needs time to go to the gym or something, perhaps you can negotiate that he go to the gym THEN work, which of a guy would still put him at 9:30-6, at the latest.

I understand where you're coming from that a spa day or getting out in the evenings isn't what you want. You want to have peace and quiet and a routine at home that suits your stage of life. Totally fair.

Op here. He has a 10-15 min commute. It’s not his boss or coworkers staying late. He likes his job and finds it interesting. I think he just loses track of time. I sort of get it. I know at my job I’m most productive starting at 2pm and it’s painful to drag myself away to go get all the kids.

He’s a fed so his job is more flexible than most. A lot of his coworkers work 7-3:30.

I tried the nanny route all summer long and it was hard. Nanny was 25 but just wasn’t helpful. She seemed responsible but didn’t know how to cook absolutely anything, didn’t know how to work a dishwasher and had trouble maintaining discipline (and my kids are pretty well behaved). Managing her was a big headache and I’m not eager to try again. I don’t really want someone to just watch the kids while I cook, I’d like someone to help cook, talk to me about their day and wrangle kids with me.

My job doesn’t have part time options but I think that would solve a lot of problems.

[Anonymous]

Partime and SAHM is for when your spouse makes bank and actually acknowledges and thanks you for all the work you do in the homefront and kids. So he doesn’t have to.

Divorce is 50-50. So that’s one way to force it. Might save your sanity too. Focus on making peace with that and what age your youngest needs to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am DH who doesn't want to be home early because I dislike my wife so much. Just seeing her damn face gives me anxiety. But she is cheaper to keep.

We have come to an agreement that work for us as far as the kids and their schedule. I do all the pick up drop off birthdays breakfast getting ready for school. This is great for me because it avoids me having to interact with her or see her much. I am happy when around my kids but miserable around my wife.

And let me say it again she is cheaper to keep than divorce. It sucks but it is what it is. Perhaps when I have the urge to have an affair I'll file for divorce before that comes and will have to live with the financial cost

This has got to be a joke.

What a cop out. What the anxiety about? Your actual misbehaviors?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he's having an affair

[Anonymous]

Ugg OP. My sympathies.

I’d have a come to Jesus talk but frame it as a joint problem solving discussion. Tell him point blank that you cannot do evenings alone every day of the week and you need to figure out a solution together. That might mean you doing drop off some mornings so he can go into work earlier and leave earlier. It may be him managing his workday better. It may be shelling out big money to hire help (and agreeing to what will be sacrificed to make that possible). It may be looking for somewhere smaller to move where he has a better commute. Be adamant that you cannot sustain the current situation but don’t tell him what to do - problem solve it together (though sounds like the obvious solution you’ll probably end up with is he gets his ass home). Then once you’ve both committed to the solution hold him to it relentlessly. In fact, I might agree on a Plan B upfront so you can make steps to move onto it without arguing if he starts failing to hold up to his commitment.

Sounds like in this one area he’s going to try to take advantage and you just n ed to be crystal clear on what does or doesn’t work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Partime and SAHM is for when your spouse makes bank and actually acknowledges and thanks you for all the work you do in the homefront and kids. So he doesn’t have to.

Divorce is 50-50. So that’s one way to force it. Might save your sanity too. Focus on making peace with that and what age your youngest needs to be.

New poster. My XH worked very long hours – and I was never suspicious or resentful because I was only working part time and understood he had a high pressure job with expectations. Starting the week he moved out, his hours immediately changed and he was able to leave work 3-4 hours earlier each day. He wasn’t interested in anything close 50-50 custody. Now I work full time and still do everything at home and he and his fiancée have an enviable social life with no annoying wife or kid obligations.

It was 100% about avoiding me. Judging from the PP, it’s more common than I thought.

[Anonymous]

There is no way I would continue to put up with this. You can't change him or make him want to be at home but you do not have to deal with it.

What difference would a divorce make anyway? You are still doing the same work, get the same $ and he will HAVE to have parental responsibilities every now and then due to custody.
It's a win win situation for you.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe there are people suggesting OP hire someone so that her husband can get out of his family responsibilities and goof off. This is why our birthrate is declining. Why would women put up with this?

[Anonymous]

You are drowning and he is looking away. Ask him why.

This right here. It's no way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe there are people suggesting OP hire someone so that her husband can get out of his family responsibilities and goof off. This is why our birthrate is declining. Why would women put up with this?

Because at the end of the day, if someone doesn’t want to change he won’t. Your options are to make it work or leave. That’s the reality of it. Of COURSE she should talk to her husband, of course she should voice that this is unfair to her. But the only person in this scenario that OP can control is herself and her actions, and not everyone would find this behavior a dealbreaker if alternatives existed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried something drastic like talking to your husband?

I'm sure she has! I know a husband with six kids and he told my mom ( he was a handyman) that he avoided going home during dinner/bath/bed because he didn't want to help. A lot of men, suck.