Getting Dh home sooner- how?

[Anonymous]

Dh is good in all other ways but I can’t get him home earlier and this is ruining our marriage. He often gets home at 7-8pm (more like 8 most nights) and kids are in bed. It’s a hard time of night and frankly im not dealing with the kids well.

He’s not a super high earner (140k) and I make more but manage to get home by 5pm.

I feel like this is adhd as well as avoiding the hard parts of being a parent. Despite dropping the kids at school at 7:30 he comes home and messes around and gets to work late.

Any tips on how to get him home sooner? I’m not a nag and am frankly a great wife. This is burning me out. I need my coparent.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't want to come home earlier or else he would do it. You can't control other people.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? With your scenario, at 5+ just tell them to get ready for bed and go to bed. No extras.

[Anonymous]

What does he say is the barrier?

[Anonymous]

My DH pulls the same crap. He has adhd but the real problem is that he spends time decompressing after work before he comes home.
I’ve basically given up trying to change him. I arrange evenings in a way that works for me and the kids (16 and 12). It sucks and I resent him for it.

[Anonymous]

Sign up for an exercise class, or art class or book club or something that doesn't really exist but you tell him it does, that meets around 6:00 pm two times a week. Tell him he has to be home for that. Leave the kids with him and go enjoy yourself.

[Anonymous]

8pm-5pm is three hours a day you're parenting without him. Times five days a week. That's 15 hours a week. Let's say 14 to be generous.

Take off Saturday and Sunday from 9-4. It's only fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? With your scenario, at 5+ just tell them to get ready for bed and go to bed. No extras.

i

Op here- they’re 1,4 and 6. Going to bed isn’t the problem actually. It’s making dinner, getting kids to eat, getting them bathed and entertaining them until bed. I enjoy reading to kids and putting them to bed. Some nights it’s chaos

I really don’t want a spa day on the weekend or time to myself on the weekend. I need to have my nights run smoother. I can’t handle them at night. They’re great during the day but 4-8pm is hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8pm-5pm is three hours a day you're parenting without him. Times five days a week. That's 15 hours a week. Let's say 14 to be generous.

Take off Saturday and Sunday from 9-4. It's only fair.

Are you saying that’s a short period of time or a long period? He’s not being paid to work 15 hours extra.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8pm-5pm is three hours a day you're parenting without him. Times five days a week. That's 15 hours a week. Let's say 14 to be generous.

Take off Saturday and Sunday from 9-4. It's only fair.

Are you saying that’s a short period of time or a long period? He’s not being paid to work 15 hours extra.

He has 15 hours a week to himself. OP should do similar.

[Anonymous]

Why is he out that late and when is his work day supposed to conclude?

Have you told him everything in your post? It's not nagging to tell your children's other parent that they need to be home for dinner with their kids. Unless he has a job where he's required to be there from 7-7 or something, he should be able to leave when you need him to leave by adjusting his schedule in other ways. If he's not able to do that, it's because he's not choosing you or your kids. He's choosing himself, and that's not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't want to come home earlier or else he would do it. You can't control other people.

This is the answer. ^^

[Anonymous]

Oh heck no, your kids are 1,4, and 6 and you both work FT and he’s leaving you to do the evening parenting shift solo every single night? This is wildly unacceptable. ADHD be damned. I have ADHD and poor exec functioning skills is zero excuse for that. You need a come to Jesus and counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? With your scenario, at 5+ just tell them to get ready for bed and go to bed. No extras.

i

Op here- they’re 1,4 and 6. Going to bed isn’t the problem actually. It’s making dinner, getting kids to eat, getting them bathed and entertaining them until bed. I enjoy reading to kids and putting them to bed. Some nights it’s chaos

I really don’t want a spa day on the weekend or time to myself on the weekend. I need to have my nights run smoother. I can’t handle them at night. They’re great during the day but 4-8pm is hell.

I'd hire help. Someone can entertain the 4 & 6 year old while you put the baby down. A neighborhood teenager is perfect for this because you're in the house if there is a problem.

Also, simplify dinners as much as possible. If your DH won't help with the kids in the evening, perhaps he is willing to prep dinner or throw it in the slow cooker in the morning.

[Anonymous]

My DH got home at 7:30pm a lot when my kids were little. It wasn't because he was wasting time or being selfish or deceitful, it was because he worked until 6 and sometimes his boss wanted something or wanted to talk until 6:30 and traffic put him between 40-65 minutes for the commute.

We need more details about how commute and demands.

I mean, if his hours are flexible and the office clears at 4:59pm and he lives 3 miles from work, yeah, this is not a good situation.

But if his work culture is that people stick around until 6:30 or 7 sometimes and he works in Arlington and you live in Gainesville, that's more than within reason.

Salary probably doesn't impact those factors. So if it's the former you need to have a hard talk...like once he drops the kids off he should be heading into work, not back home (I do this). Or if it's the later, he might want to look for a new job with better hours or closer to home or remote.