Getting Dh home sooner- how?

[Anonymous]

What time is he going in to work? Can’t he just do the 7:30 drop off and proceed to work?

But, agree with the ppl saying he’s staying at work to avoid helping out.

[Anonymous]

He sucks. Sorry. But it's very hard to make him and he'll be crabby and whiny if he does.

I would stick him with the solo routine as much as you can, so he feels the pain. And also really really streamline your meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? With your scenario, at 5+ just tell them to get ready for bed and go to bed. No extras.

i

Op here- they’re 1,4 and 6. Going to bed isn’t the problem actually. It’s making dinner, getting kids to eat, getting them bathed and entertaining them until bed. I enjoy reading to kids and putting them to bed. Some nights it’s chaos

I really don’t want a spa day on the weekend or time to myself on the weekend. I need to have my nights run smoother. I can’t handle them at night. They’re great during the day but 4-8pm is hell.

I'd hire help. Someone can entertain the 4 & 6 year old while you put the baby down. A neighborhood teenager is perfect for this because you're in the house if there is a problem.

Also, simplify dinners as much as possible. If your DH won't help with the kids in the evening, perhaps he is willing to prep dinner or throw it in the slow cooker in the morning.

Neighborhood teenagers don't do this. If you're looking for part time evening help, you're going to be paying upwards of $20/hour just to get someone who is going to keep your kids alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? With your scenario, at 5+ just tell them to get ready for bed and go to bed. No extras.

i

Op here- they’re 1,4 and 6. Going to bed isn’t the problem actually. It’s making dinner, getting kids to eat, getting them bathed and entertaining them until bed. I enjoy reading to kids and putting them to bed. Some nights it’s chaos

I really don’t want a spa day on the weekend or time to myself on the weekend. I need to have my nights run smoother. I can’t handle them at night. They’re great during the day but 4-8pm is hell.

Tell him either he participates equally in afterschool pick up, bed, bath and dinner or you will hire an afterschool helper M-F from 5-8 pm.

Also, see if you can do some meal prep on the weekend together.

[Anonymous]

I would cut as much as you can from your evening routine. Kids need less baths than you think.

And sit him down for a talk and ask him if he really thinks it's fair to make you handle the weeknights solo. Start claiming time to yourself so he suffers. I know what you really want is him to be a partner, but some men only learn if you make them feel the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh is good in all other ways but I can’t get him home earlier and this is ruining our marriage. He often gets home at 7-8pm (more like 8 most nights) and kids are in bed. It’s a hard time of night and frankly im not dealing with the kids well.

He’s not a super high earner (140k) and I make more but manage to get home by 5pm.

I feel like this is adhd as well as avoiding the hard parts of being a parent. Despite dropping the kids at school at 7:30 he comes home and messes around and gets to work late.

Any tips on how to get him home sooner? I’m not a nag and am frankly a great wife. This is burning me out. I need my coparent.

You’re right but he’s coping with his workweek. Have him do school pick up thurs and Friday nights and come home for bed time only. He will have to find another way to cope but you can ease him into it.

[Anonymous]

I would play hardball on this one. You’ve got three little ones, make more money, and he’s sticking you with evening parenting when you’re home from work. Time for counseling, paid help, or maybe he can hear about how you’d like to be a SAHM (since you’re functioning as one). I’m sure you want to keep your job. But he should know there are many other options besides what he wants when he wants it. These men, I swear.

[Anonymous]

I think you are overscheduling your family and you all need more down time. He's not self-aware enough to say it, or he's avoiding conflict. But I would cut back your calendar so that you both get more down time. And then take a hard line with his weaselly evasive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? With your scenario, at 5+ just tell them to get ready for bed and go to bed. No extras.

i

Op here- they’re 1,4 and 6. Going to bed isn’t the problem actually. It’s making dinner, getting kids to eat, getting them bathed and entertaining them until bed. I enjoy reading to kids and putting them to bed. Some nights it’s chaos

I really don’t want a spa day on the weekend or time to myself on the weekend. I need to have my nights run smoother. I can’t handle them at night. They’re great during the day but 4-8pm is hell.

I'd hire help. Someone can entertain the 4 & 6 year old while you put the baby down. A neighborhood teenager is perfect for this because you're in the house if there is a problem.

Also, simplify dinners as much as possible. If your DH won't help with the kids in the evening, perhaps he is willing to prep dinner or throw it in the slow cooker in the morning.

Neighborhood teenagers don't do this. If you're looking for part time evening help, you're going to be paying upwards of $20/hour just to get someone who is going to keep your kids alive.

+1

The ridiculous hire-a-teenager thing around here is nonsense. It isn't 1978.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? With your scenario, at 5+ just tell them to get ready for bed and go to bed. No extras.

i

Op here- they’re 1,4 and 6. Going to bed isn’t the problem actually. It’s making dinner, getting kids to eat, getting them bathed and entertaining them until bed. I enjoy reading to kids and putting them to bed. Some nights it’s chaos

I really don’t want a spa day on the weekend or time to myself on the weekend. I need to have my nights run smoother. I can’t handle them at night. They’re great during the day but 4-8pm is hell.

I'd hire help. Someone can entertain the 4 & 6 year old while you put the baby down. A neighborhood teenager is perfect for this because you're in the house if there is a problem.

Also, simplify dinners as much as possible. If your DH won't help with the kids in the evening, perhaps he is willing to prep dinner or throw it in the slow cooker in the morning.

Neighborhood teenagers don't do this. If you're looking for part time evening help, you're going to be paying upwards of $20/hour just to get someone who is going to keep your kids alive.

+1

The ridiculous hire-a-teenager thing around here is nonsense. It isn't 1978.

Someone would do it for $20/hr, but then you have the additional mental load/worry about managing a household employee, and what if she calls out or is sick or if her school schedule changes and now she can’t do it and I have to find someone else. Wonder if she could hire a full time nanny with somewhat non-standard hours like 12-8? It’s annoying that it has to come to that because her husband won’t help out though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? With your scenario, at 5+ just tell them to get ready for bed and go to bed. No extras.

i

Op here- they’re 1,4 and 6. Going to bed isn’t the problem actually. It’s making dinner, getting kids to eat, getting them bathed and entertaining them until bed. I enjoy reading to kids and putting them to bed. Some nights it’s chaos

I really don’t want a spa day on the weekend or time to myself on the weekend. I need to have my nights run smoother. I can’t handle them at night. They’re great during the day but 4-8pm is hell.

Tell him either he participates equally in afterschool pick up, bed, bath and dinner or you will hire an afterschool helper M-F from 5-8 pm.

Also, see if you can do some meal prep on the weekend together.

this is the way. the other alternative is to switch drop off/pickup and have him do pickup so he’s forced to come home at a normal time in the PM.

also I wouldn’t hesitate to go to therapy over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What time is he going in to work? Can’t he just do the 7:30 drop off and proceed to work?

But, agree with the ppl saying he’s staying at work to avoid helping out.

b/c he’s a selfish man baby.

[Anonymous]

My H was like this. Would goof off all morning then work late to make up.

Honestly the only thing that helped was nagging him nonstop for about a year. I was like a pitbull on it. I would track all of our leisure time and show it to him weekly.

Eventually I did escalate it to us doing a 50/50 custody split while together. I said I was getting ready to move out and we needed to start getting ready for what a custody split would be like. He was forced to figure out childcare on the days I was off. And, shocker, he managed to figure out how to get reasonable work hours.

Don’t be a cool girl who doesn’t try to change him. People can change, they just need constant consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? With your scenario, at 5+ just tell them to get ready for bed and go to bed. No extras.

i

Op here- they’re 1,4 and 6. Going to bed isn’t the problem actually. It’s making dinner, getting kids to eat, getting them bathed and entertaining them until bed. I enjoy reading to kids and putting them to bed. Some nights it’s chaos

I really don’t want a spa day on the weekend or time to myself on the weekend. I need to have my nights run smoother. I can’t handle them at night. They’re great during the day but 4-8pm is hell.

I'd hire help. Someone can entertain the 4 & 6 year old while you put the baby down. A neighborhood teenager is perfect for this because you're in the house if there is a problem.

Also, simplify dinners as much as possible. If your DH won't help with the kids in the evening, perhaps he is willing to prep dinner or throw it in the slow cooker in the morning.

Neighborhood teenagers don't do this. If you're looking for part time evening help, you're going to be paying upwards of $20/hour just to get someone who is going to keep your kids alive.

+1

The ridiculous hire-a-teenager thing around here is nonsense. It isn't 1978.

Someone would do it for $20/hr, but then you have the additional mental load/worry about managing a household employee, and what if she calls out or is sick or if her school schedule changes and now she can’t do it and I have to find someone else. Wonder if she could hire a full time nanny with somewhat non-standard hours like 12-8? It’s annoying that it has to come to that because her husband won’t help out though.

Oh FT nanny is a good idea - can take care of the baby and get the kids early dinner? Will be expensive but everything OP is putting into her 401k will be community property in the divorce so she may as well put it into making her life better now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My H was like this. Would goof off all morning then work late to make up.

Honestly the only thing that helped was nagging him nonstop for about a year. I was like a pitbull on it. I would track all of our leisure time and show it to him weekly.

Eventually I did escalate it to us doing a 50/50 custody split while together. I said I was getting ready to move out and we needed to start getting ready for what a custody split would be like. He was forced to figure out childcare on the days I was off. And, shocker, he managed to figure out how to get reasonable work hours.

Don’t be a cool girl who doesn’t try to change him. People can change, they just need constant consequences.

Wow. What is your marriage like now?