Is it your DH’s job to protect you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is 6'4" and is strong and physically fit, and looks pretty intimidating. He definitely takes the lead on being protective. He is also in charge of getting rid of all bugs. If it is a non-poisonous type, he captures it and takes it outside. It makes me smile every time I see this giant dude gently cupping a little bug to carry it outside.

Do you often encounter poisonous bugs? Can I assume you don't live in the DC area?

DP

We have wolf spiders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It should be, but alas, I end up checking the noises because DH usually thinks it's nothing. I'm a bit of an anxious person. TBF, the noise has been nothing, so far. But, if he thought it was serious, he'd probably go down. It takes him longer to go downstairs though because he sleeps in the buff, so he has to put some clothes on first.

Getting gas at night, yea, he'd do it, no question.

Yeah, i am sitting here, admittedly not having lived in the area for a while, wondering -- is there a real chance that all these people from DCUrban Moms are having break-ins? it DOES seem overly anxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't necessarily think it's HIS job to protect me, it's more just facts. DH would be a lot more level headed investigating a noise at night. Id be anxious and freaked out and that wouldn't help anyone. DH just handles these things better than me.

As for the car situation, it sucks but yeah, statistically it would be safer for him to walk as a white male than for me to do it as a white female.

Him walking out at as WHITE male won't protect him from another bad actor WHITE male in the middle of nowhere in deep Alabama.

In Alabama someone would pick you up in their truck and take you to get gas then drive you back to your car and make sure you were safe

This.

Your safety is more at risk in DC than Alabama.

Your knee jerk stereotype of the south is delusional. And your inability to recognize danger in your own area is actual pretty risky.

Not if you are a POC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but why’d you run out of gas?

Because OP failed to do her job.

Right, bcause if society and gender norms dictate that it's safer for the man to do the manly protection jobs, then the woman has to do somehting.

I am saying this because I am angry about how it's actually true, not in this siutation but generally

Why are you angry about this?

We have a pretty traditional relationship. My job is to take care of the kids. DH does stuff like this.
Frankly, and I wouldn’t say this in real life, DH is more expendable than I am right now. If he dies, it’s incredibly sad, but we kind of move on. He has a $3 million term life insurance policy.
If I die, the inside baby dies too, and the other kids would really struggle.

I am angry because I would like to be able, in the context of my own marriage, to decide that I am not playing traditional gender norms just because society tells me I have to. If my husband and I agree that I shouldn't be the one to have to do all the traditional tasks of a woman, it seems unfair because those with more conservative approaches get to dictate what I do.
But, because in situations like the gas, if this were serious: the woman SHOULD be watching the tank and planning, because she won't be able to do the more dangerous things - that is, unless you expect one partner (in this case, the man) to do it all. It makes me think about how it's easie for me to plan a playdate because the other people in "pretty traditional relationships" will reach out to me first, may be less comfortable interfacing with my husband.
In other words, I want to decide along with my husband what our roles are, not traditional society. I don't live in the DC area but in my area, the fact that this isn't possible, has been a major downer in my life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but why’d you run out of gas?

Because OP failed to do her job.

Right, bcause if society and gender norms dictate that it's safer for the man to do the manly protection jobs, then the woman has to do somehting.

I am saying this because I am angry about how it's actually true, not in this siutation but generally

Why are you angry about this?

We have a pretty traditional relationship. My job is to take care of the kids. DH does stuff like this.
Frankly, and I wouldn’t say this in real life, DH is more expendable than I am right now. If he dies, it’s incredibly sad, but we kind of move on. He has a $3 million term life insurance policy.
If I die, the inside baby dies too, and the other kids would really struggle.

I am angry because I would like to be able, in the context of my own marriage, to decide that I am not playing traditional gender norms just because society tells me I have to. If my husband and I agree that I shouldn't be the one to have to do all the traditional tasks of a woman, it seems unfair because those with more conservative approaches get to dictate what I do.
But, because in situations like the gas, if this were serious: the woman SHOULD be watching the tank and planning, because she won't be able to do the more dangerous things - that is, unless you expect one partner (in this case, the man) to do it all. It makes me think about how it's easie for me to plan a playdate because the other people in "pretty traditional relationships" will reach out to me first, may be less comfortable interfacing with my husband.
In other words, I want to decide along with my husband what our roles are, not traditional society. I don't live in the DC area but in my area, the fact that this isn't possible, has been a major downer in my life

Except pumping gas and driving is a man's role. Making sure there are snacks is the women's role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but why’d you run out of gas?

Because OP failed to do her job.

Right, bcause if society and gender norms dictate that it's safer for the man to do the manly protection jobs, then the woman has to do somehting.

I am saying this because I am angry about how it's actually true, not in this siutation but generally

Why are you angry about this?

We have a pretty traditional relationship. My job is to take care of the kids. DH does stuff like this.
Frankly, and I wouldn’t say this in real life, DH is more expendable than I am right now. If he dies, it’s incredibly sad, but we kind of move on. He has a $3 million term life insurance policy.
If I die, the inside baby dies too, and the other kids would really struggle.

I am angry because I would like to be able, in the context of my own marriage, to decide that I am not playing traditional gender norms just because society tells me I have to. If my husband and I agree that I shouldn't be the one to have to do all the traditional tasks of a woman, it seems unfair because those with more conservative approaches get to dictate what I do.
But, because in situations like the gas, if this were serious: the woman SHOULD be watching the tank and planning, because she won't be able to do the more dangerous things - that is, unless you expect one partner (in this case, the man) to do it all. It makes me think about how it's easie for me to plan a playdate because the other people in "pretty traditional relationships" will reach out to me first, may be less comfortable interfacing with my husband.
In other words, I want to decide along with my husband what our roles are, not traditional society. I don't live in the DC area but in my area, the fact that this isn't possible, has been a major downer in my life

Except pumping gas and driving is a man's role. Making sure there are snacks is the women's role.

Huh? Are you trying to be funny/provocative?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but why’d you run out of gas?

Because OP failed to do her job.

Right, bcause if society and gender norms dictate that it's safer for the man to do the manly protection jobs, then the woman has to do somehting.

I am saying this because I am angry about how it's actually true, not in this siutation but generally

Why are you angry about this?

We have a pretty traditional relationship. My job is to take care of the kids. DH does stuff like this.
Frankly, and I wouldn’t say this in real life, DH is more expendable than I am right now. If he dies, it’s incredibly sad, but we kind of move on. He has a $3 million term life insurance policy.
If I die, the inside baby dies too, and the other kids would really struggle.

I am angry because I would like to be able, in the context of my own marriage, to decide that I am not playing traditional gender norms just because society tells me I have to. If my husband and I agree that I shouldn't be the one to have to do all the traditional tasks of a woman, it seems unfair because those with more conservative approaches get to dictate what I do.
But, because in situations like the gas, if this were serious: the woman SHOULD be watching the tank and planning, because she won't be able to do the more dangerous things - that is, unless you expect one partner (in this case, the man) to do it all. It makes me think about how it's easie for me to plan a playdate because the other people in "pretty traditional relationships" will reach out to me first, may be less comfortable interfacing with my husband.
In other words, I want to decide along with my husband what our roles are, not traditional society. I don't live in the DC area but in my area, the fact that this isn't possible, has been a major downer in my life

I’m the person you replied to. People don’t know your relationship roles or your comfort level with people of the opposite sex reaching out to your spouse.
If your husband wants to set up playdates, then he should set them up with other men doing something active. Men taking their kids fishing or sledding is normal. One dude hanging out and gossiping with a bunch of women while the kids play on the playground is kind of weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but why’d you run out of gas?

Because OP failed to do her job.

Right, bcause if society and gender norms dictate that it's safer for the man to do the manly protection jobs, then the woman has to do somehting.

I am saying this because I am angry about how it's actually true, not in this siutation but generally

Why are you angry about this?

We have a pretty traditional relationship. My job is to take care of the kids. DH does stuff like this.
Frankly, and I wouldn’t say this in real life, DH is more expendable than I am right now. If he dies, it’s incredibly sad, but we kind of move on. He has a $3 million term life insurance policy.
If I die, the inside baby dies too, and the other kids would really struggle.

I am angry because I would like to be able, in the context of my own marriage, to decide that I am not playing traditional gender norms just because society tells me I have to. If my husband and I agree that I shouldn't be the one to have to do all the traditional tasks of a woman, it seems unfair because those with more conservative approaches get to dictate what I do.
But, because in situations like the gas, if this were serious: the woman SHOULD be watching the tank and planning, because she won't be able to do the more dangerous things - that is, unless you expect one partner (in this case, the man) to do it all. It makes me think about how it's easie for me to plan a playdate because the other people in "pretty traditional relationships" will reach out to me first, may be less comfortable interfacing with my husband.
In other words, I want to decide along with my husband what our roles are, not traditional society. I don't live in the DC area but in my area, the fact that this isn't possible, has been a major downer in my life

I’m the person you replied to. People don’t know your relationship roles or your comfort level with people of the opposite sex reaching out to your spouse.
If your husband wants to set up playdates, then he should set them up with other men doing something active. Men taking their kids fishing or sledding is normal. One dude hanging out and gossiping with a bunch of women while the kids play on the playground is kind of weird.

Good grief. People like you are why society isn't moving forward. Seriously, I rarely say this, but you suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, very much so.

I have many roles in our marriage and my H has many roles as well. That being said, it's not specifically that he is a man but the fact that he is a man is why he is immensely stronger than I am. He's also trained in combat fighting, (Krav Maga) and he is trained in using a gun. All our guns are in safes at all times unless they are holstered. If he were disabled or less trained than me then no he would not be responsible for that. He has coworkers who are female and they would be more likely to be the "protector".

I have 1 son who is extremely strong and trained in Jui Jitsu, I very much felt he has a responsibility to protect people in the face of danger and he has stopped a few fights in middle school and HS. Once there was a fight at school and my son was brought into the principal's office to help him understand why my son didn't stop it and it was because he left for a doctor's appointment. I do think that this is a very unusual situation because my son happens to be extremely strong. I would not expect this of my other 2 sons.

Also, I expect my H to kill spiders. I can deal with all other bugs.

This is pretty much the only "gender norm" we have.

This is very odd and I would lodge a complaint. Your son is not responsible for school safety--the adults are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It should be, but alas, I end up checking the noises because DH usually thinks it's nothing. I'm a bit of an anxious person. TBF, the noise has been nothing, so far. But, if he thought it was serious, he'd probably go down. It takes him longer to go downstairs though because he sleeps in the buff, so he has to put some clothes on first.

Getting gas at night, yea, he'd do it, no question.

Yeah, i am sitting here, admittedly not having lived in the area for a while, wondering -- is there a real chance that all these people from DCUrban Moms are having break-ins? it DOES seem overly anxious.

well, I used to live in LA; DH lived in a small town where people barely locked their doors. I always locked my car doors and kept the windows up in certain areas. The house I grew up in had an attempted breakin. My sibling was home and scared the person off. Thank goodness the would be burglar didn't have a gun.

I guess I'm a product of my upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Yes but he is bigger, stronger, taller, and darker than me and our kids (we are all small blondes). So yeah, I'm going to put him in charge of physical protection if needed.

[Anonymous]

I love questions like this because it assumes people or animals are just normally going around attacking. Like, what's he supposed to protect me from, bears? We're hikers he knows not to fight a bear. I don't want a husband who's out picking fights and if we were in some sort of physical danger, I would definitely be helping him, because we're a team and I'm an able bodied adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but why’d you run out of gas?

Because OP failed to do her job.

Right, bcause if society and gender norms dictate that it's safer for the man to do the manly protection jobs, then the woman has to do somehting.

I am saying this because I am angry about how it's actually true, not in this siutation but generally

Why are you angry about this?

We have a pretty traditional relationship. My job is to take care of the kids. DH does stuff like this.
Frankly, and I wouldn’t say this in real life, DH is more expendable than I am right now. If he dies, it’s incredibly sad, but we kind of move on. He has a $3 million term life insurance policy.
If I die, the inside baby dies too, and the other kids would really struggle.

I am angry because I would like to be able, in the context of my own marriage, to decide that I am not playing traditional gender norms just because society tells me I have to. If my husband and I agree that I shouldn't be the one to have to do all the traditional tasks of a woman, it seems unfair because those with more conservative approaches get to dictate what I do.
But, because in situations like the gas, if this were serious: the woman SHOULD be watching the tank and planning, because she won't be able to do the more dangerous things - that is, unless you expect one partner (in this case, the man) to do it all. It makes me think about how it's easie for me to plan a playdate because the other people in "pretty traditional relationships" will reach out to me first, may be less comfortable interfacing with my husband.
In other words, I want to decide along with my husband what our roles are, not traditional society. I don't live in the DC area but in my area, the fact that this isn't possible, has been a major downer in my life

I’m the person you replied to. People don’t know your relationship roles or your comfort level with people of the opposite sex reaching out to your spouse.
If your husband wants to set up playdates, then he should set them up with other men doing something active. Men taking their kids fishing or sledding is normal. One dude hanging out and gossiping with a bunch of women while the kids play on the playground is kind of weird.

Sometimes our bus stop will be all men and one woman. Sometimes it's all women and one man. Same with at the pool or the park. Neither situation is weird because we're all friends. One woman goes fishing with the men because none of the rest of the women want to go fishing. It's not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and so does he. That’s the historical arrangement, too.

[Anonymous]

I can't remember the last time my family was in a position where anyone needed to be protected. If you exercise reasonable caution this isn't going to come up.