Is it your DH’s job to protect you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think anyone has made the significant point that whatever you may think about whose job it is to protect you, your DH certainly thinks that is his job (unless he's a truly pathetic and broken specimen) and has likely put more thought into it than you give him credit for.

+1 Our biggest fight when we were dating was when I was driving and picked up a stranded motorist who had run out of gas on the side of the road. My now-DH was seething for hours because he was so angry that I would do such a thing, and when we finally were able to have a conversation about it his reasoning was absolutely bonkers to me - the guy was seated behind him in the car so he could have killed him before getting to me and he didn't have a clean line of sight and what if he had a weapon and and and.

I was like, "the weeping tiny gay guy in our backseat who cried all the way to the gas station about being dumped that morning? That guy?" But DH's mindset was so far removed from mine that I was really awakened to the extent that he's got his head on a swivel at all times. Sees threats where I see none and firmly believes it's his job to handle them.

That guy was not a threat (and most people aren't), but if a threat materializes I promise DH believes it's his job to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but why’d you run out of gas?

Because OP failed to do her job.

Right, bcause if society and gender norms dictate that it's safer for the man to do the manly protection jobs, then the woman has to do somehting.

I am saying this because I am angry about how it's actually true, not in this siutation but generally

Why are you angry about this?

We have a pretty traditional relationship. My job is to take care of the kids. DH does stuff like this.
Frankly, and I wouldn’t say this in real life, DH is more expendable than I am right now. If he dies, it’s incredibly sad, but we kind of move on. He has a $3 million term life insurance policy.
If I die, the inside baby dies too, and the other kids would really struggle.

I am angry because I would like to be able, in the context of my own marriage, to decide that I am not playing traditional gender norms just because society tells me I have to. If my husband and I agree that I shouldn't be the one to have to do all the traditional tasks of a woman, it seems unfair because those with more conservative approaches get to dictate what I do.

Who are these people with “more conservative approaches” dictating to you? How are they doing this?

Did you read the subsequent responses?
I live in a more conservative area and I can 100 tell you I'm the only parent on allowed on the class chat and thus the only one getting info

This is pathetically weak.

[Anonymous]

I expect DH to take care of all pests and rodents.

[Anonymous]

We protect each other.

[Anonymous]

DH often doesn’t see as much risk as I do. I won’t take the electric car on long distance trips if it means I need to charge solo late at night. He doesn’t understand that concern.
Basically though we have traditional role thinking in this regard. He would protect me, I would protect the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think anyone has made the significant point that whatever you may think about whose job it is to protect you, your DH certainly thinks that is his job (unless he's a truly pathetic and broken specimen) and has likely put more thought into it than you give him credit for.

+1 Our biggest fight when we were dating was when I was driving and picked up a stranded motorist who had run out of gas on the side of the road. My now-DH was seething for hours because he was so angry that I would do such a thing, and when we finally were able to have a conversation about it his reasoning was absolutely bonkers to me - the guy was seated behind him in the car so he could have killed him before getting to me and he didn't have a clean line of sight and what if he had a weapon and and and.

I was like, "the weeping tiny gay guy in our backseat who cried all the way to the gas station about being dumped that morning? That guy?" But DH's mindset was so far removed from mine that I was really awakened to the extent that he's got his head on a swivel at all times. Sees threats where I see none and firmly believes it's his job to handle them.

That guy was not a threat (and most people aren't), but if a threat materializes I promise DH believes it's his job to handle it.

Well yeah, just because he’s a weeping tiny gay man, he’s still a a man, and a strange man inside your car at that. Gay men can be crazies, short men can be crazies, teenaged boys can be crazies.

[Anonymous]

Men underestimate how much women like the performative aspect of this, I think. Just “be in charge” of killing the bugs, check when there’s a weird noise, and just generally be aware of how women are in a more vulnerable state in the world and we will completely melt for you. And it keeps the fire burning after decades too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it's not my husband's job to protect me and the kids. It's my job to protect them. I would investigate the noise at night. I would walk to the gas station at night.
I'm stronger than my husband. I would beat him in a fight.

Yeah, my sister is a 6'1'' former college soccer player. She definitely doesn't need a man to protect her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re married do you loosely speaking consider it your DH’s job to protect you and the kids? Say there’s a noise in the middle of the night…..should he go check it out? If you ran out of gas while driving at night and someone had to walk a mile to the gas station, should he do it?

Of course. He’s a Marine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but why’d you run out of gas?

Because OP failed to do her job.

Right, bcause if society and gender norms dictate that it's safer for the man to do the manly protection jobs, then the woman has to do somehting.

I am saying this because I am angry about how it's actually true, not in this siutation but generally

Why are you angry about this?

We have a pretty traditional relationship. My job is to take care of the kids. DH does stuff like this.
Frankly, and I wouldn’t say this in real life, DH is more expendable than I am right now. If he dies, it’s incredibly sad, but we kind of move on. He has a $3 million term life insurance policy.
If I die, the inside baby dies too, and the other kids would really struggle.

I am angry because I would like to be able, in the context of my own marriage, to decide that I am not playing traditional gender norms just because society tells me I have to. If my husband and I agree that I shouldn't be the one to have to do all the traditional tasks of a woman, it seems unfair because those with more conservative approaches get to dictate what I do.
But, because in situations like the gas, if this were serious: the woman SHOULD be watching the tank and planning, because she won't be able to do the more dangerous things - that is, unless you expect one partner (in this case, the man) to do it all. It makes me think about how it's easie for me to plan a playdate because the other people in "pretty traditional relationships" will reach out to me first, may be less comfortable interfacing with my husband.
In other words, I want to decide along with my husband what our roles are, not traditional society. I don't live in the DC area but in my area, the fact that this isn't possible, has been a major downer in my life

I’m the person you replied to. People don’t know your relationship roles or your comfort level with people of the opposite sex reaching out to your spouse.
If your husband wants to set up playdates, then he should set them up with other men doing something active. Men taking their kids fishing or sledding is normal. One dude hanging out and gossiping with a bunch of women while the kids play on the playground is kind of weird.

Sometimes our bus stop will be all men and one woman. Sometimes it's all women and one man. Same with at the pool or the park. Neither situation is weird because we're all friends. One woman goes fishing with the men because none of the rest of the women want to go fishing. It's not a big deal.

Sure.
But pp said that her husband couldn’t arrange play dates with (Im assuming( a bunch of women.
It’s not unusual for a man to show up if his wife can’t come to playgroup. And it’s not unusual for a woman to show up to fishing or sledding.
What’s weird is what the pp is suggesting. It’s odd for a woman to reach out to all of the men in a friend group and ask them to do something with the kids. And it’s odd for a man to reach out to a bunch of women to hang out.
If her husband wants to arrange playdates, then he should reach out to men or mixed genders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it's not my husband's job to protect me and the kids. It's my job to protect them. I would investigate the noise at night. I would walk to the gas station at night.
I'm stronger than my husband. I would beat him in a fight.

Yeah, my sister is a 6'1'' former college soccer player. She definitely doesn't need a man to protect her.

Please tell me you’re not serious here. Or is it that she doesn’t need a man to protect her because she can run away so fast? I guarantee you that 99% of men are stronger than this tall, athletic woman and she would get quickly pummeled in a fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re married do you loosely speaking consider it your DH’s job to protect you and the kids? Say there’s a noise in the middle of the night…..should he go check it out? If you ran out of gas while driving at night and someone had to walk a mile to the gas station, should he do it?

He is man and bigger in size than me so somethings are convenient for him. However, if there's a noise in the middle of the night, its usually me jumping out of bed and checking. If we ran out of gas and walking to the station, we'll both be going. If there is a rat or lizzard, its me. If its a heavy table or bag, its him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it's not my husband's job to protect me and the kids. It's my job to protect them. I would investigate the noise at night. I would walk to the gas station at night.
I'm stronger than my husband. I would beat him in a fight.

Yeah, my sister is a 6'1'' former college soccer player. She definitely doesn't need a man to protect her.

You are daft

[Anonymous]

* so guess we both protect each other

[Anonymous]

If your husband wants to set up playdates, then he should set them up with other men doing something active. Men taking their kids fishing or sledding is normal. One dude hanging out and gossiping with a bunch of women while the kids play on the playground is kind of weird.

You’re the weirdo here. Why am I not allowed to socialize with moms at the playground? What do you think I’m going to do, drag them into the plastic tunnel for a quickie?

Meeting a mom or moms at the playground so the kids can run around together is “something active” as well as being utterly innocuous.