My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

How is this the type of thing that even makes it onto your radar? Was the couch actually messed up in anyway from the bottom of a plate touching it?

And I get this type of little thing bugging you, I do. Because I get overstimulated with clutter and I like things to look neat. But if I really felt that strongly about it, then I would have just grabbed his plate at the same time I took mine to the kitchen (it sounds like your DH isn’t otherwise some slob so why not just be a helper instead of a complainer).

FWIW I got in a similarly petty dispute with my DH yesterday because we were both really stressed out about work things unrelated to the petty thing that came up during the day. But once we calmed down I apologized and ev did too. No way was I going to let some insignificant communication error ruin our entire night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with OP here in the sense that it's not the dirty plate on the couch per se, but perhaps the feeling of what do I need to remind him to put his dishes away in the first place? Could she be more polite? Sure. Could he not be another child that needs reminding? Yes. I think all parents and especially mothers know how utterly frustrating it is to remind their kids CONSTANTLY to do basic things around the house. And add an adult.

How do you know he wasn’t going to put away his plate at some point? My bet is he was relaxed and into the movie and didn’t feel like getting up that second to appease his nagging wife. By her own account they don’t do pizza and a movie often, so it’s not like there is some indication of a pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

Good question—
And the answer is you don’t respond at all. You take a deep breath and learn not to be quite so concerned with other people’s actions. This is not shoes on the sofa—this is clean underside of plate sitting on sofa. (And if you are worried the plate will flip over, “oops—here let me grab that for ya—-I don’t want the plate to flip over and get pizza sauce on the sofa….” Because this is YOUR fear and /or pet peeve. Not his.)
If the plate is still there in 2 hours, then say “honey can you please grab your plate and bring it to the sink?”
But my guess is that it wouldn’t have been there for two hours.
So your problem is somewhere between 30 seconds and two hours.
How short is a shirt enough time.
Is it okay to park the plate there for any length of time?
If no—then the simple convo of “babe this is a thing that bothers me…can you please not put plates on the sofa?”
I doubt he’d be all “no you’re ridiculous!” if you approached this with any sort of kindness and diplomacy.

Exactly. You need to approach this as a YOU problem and solve it without resenting or criticising your husband. It may seem obvious to you that plates don't belong on the sofa (why, I'm not sure) but it's just as obvious to your DH that plates are ok on the sofa. If you don't like it, move it yourself or take a deep breath and just chalk it up to one of your husband's lovable quirks.

[Anonymous]

Op, you and your husband should check out the book "this is how your marriage ends." There's a plate by the sink example that I think you'll relate to.

The isolated example you gave makes you sound wrong. I like the pp's advice to think about what you would have said if a friend came over and did the same thing. So you were being rigid and stubborn and his response sounded pretty reasonable, and then you escalated.

But your frustration is not just about the plate. It's a whole picture that could be that you're extra rigid and controlling OR it could be that he's careless and disrespectful and not carrying his weight. Probably it's a combination of the two that leaves you both feeling disrespected and not getting what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

OP I could have written your initial post. The bolded is the underlying issue for me as well. To me it signals a lack of respect. The haters here say its a little thing to leave a dish on the sofa. You acknowledge that yourself. I would say it is so little he can't be bothered to do it himself and instead expects you to do it for him. Also, it isn't the one instance, it is the accumulation of all of the things that are "beneath him," but clearly he expects somebody else to take care of. There is also the aspect of whatever mess he leaves out, you and your kids have to live with, or clean up for him. My own DH recognizes the need to clean up when people come over, but will leave his breakfast dishes out in the morning, a dirty counter from making himself lunch, hair all over the shower and in the sink, bed unmade, pajamas on the floor, knock over a stack of papers on his desk which he leaves on the floor, and walk out the door. When you leave a mess for others you live with, you are expecting them to live in your mess or clean up behind you. That isn't adult behavior. No roommate would tolerate that, so why should a partner be expected to put up with that? Maybe everyone hating on OP lives in a McMansion with a lot more space. The rest of us commoners live in each other's space and can't simply close the door in a few dishes left on a desk in a private office.

[Anonymous]

I’m not going to bash you OP.
But I will just point out what a PP above said.
You can have all the reason in the world to get irritated at him, but if you really want the RELATIONSHIP to change, it’s going to need to come from how you treat him and how you address him, because that’s the only thing you have the power to change.
And I think if you examine how your attitude toward him has worsened as the little issues have become more irritating to you, you’ll see that this is accurate.
This doesn’t mean you can’t address the issues.
It just means you have to start speaking to him with love and affection again. Even if you don’t feel it yet. Speak to him the way you would speak to your female bff. Sometimes we take our husbands for granted that they will just receive a scolding, (and yes sometimes we rationalize that they deserve it bc they are acting like a child)—but that reveals the disdain and lack of respect and it shows.
You can still have a conversation about what you’d like him to do or what bothers you about family habits or pet peeves.
Just speak to him as you would any other person you love and respect and who you want to love and respect you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should have posted this in the relationship forum. You would have gotten the support you deserve instead of the critical gaslighting here like you’ve done anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to bash you OP.
But I will just point out what a PP above said.
You can have all the reason in the world to get irritated at him, but if you really want the RELATIONSHIP to change, it’s going to need to come from how you treat him and how you address him, because that’s the only thing you have the power to change.
And I think if you examine how your attitude toward him has worsened as the little issues have become more irritating to you, you’ll see that this is accurate.
This doesn’t mean you can’t address the issues.
It just means you have to start speaking to him with love and affection again. Even if you don’t feel it yet. Speak to him the way you would speak to your female bff. Sometimes we take our husbands for granted that they will just receive a scolding, (and yes sometimes we rationalize that they deserve it bc they are acting like a child)—but that reveals the disdain and lack of respect and it shows.
You can still have a conversation about what you’d like him to do or what bothers you about family habits or pet peeves.
Just speak to him as you would any other person you love and respect and who you want to love and respect you.

So OP's DH is acting like a child and it is OP's responsibility to change the relationship. Do you even hear yourself? Everything is always the woman's fault, even when the man is acting like a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

I'm not OP but why do you have to be the one to change? Why does your partner get to have a spouse + a personal assistant/chef/housekeeper (whatever it is he isn't pulling his weight on)? The rest of us would love a partner who took care of the rest of these pesky life details. Or even just an equal partner.

[Anonymous]

It is so exhausting to be OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. Wow.

You are wrong. It's in fact not a big deal to put a plate on the couch for a bit during the movie. You sound controlling and rigid and a bit OCD. Stop trying to micro-manage your grown husband. And this ruins the rest of your night? What are you doing?

He apologized to you in the morning because you're awful and he just wanted it to be over.

Yep. Poor guy. What is the message to the kids, lol…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. Wow.

You are wrong. It's in fact not a big deal to put a plate on the couch for a bit during the movie. You sound controlling and rigid and a bit OCD. Stop trying to micro-manage your grown husband. And this ruins the rest of your night? What are you doing?

He apologized to you in the morning because you're awful and he just wanted it to be over.

Yep. Poor guy. What is the message to the kids, lol…

Clean up behind yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so exhausting to be OP.

+1 two full time jobs and no support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah this isn’t about the plate—for either of you.

For you it’s really about your perception that he is rude and/or lazy (because why didn’t he just take the time to get up and put his plate in the sink)
For him, he isn’t actually trying to take a stand re: dirty plates on the sofa. He’s trying to take a stand against you bossing him around, showing disdain for him, and the way in which you approached the issue.
(FWIW, You aren’t wrong to not want him to leave his “dirty dish” on the sofa—and he isn’t wrong to think it’s not a big deal to leave it there for a few minutes. But all you needed to do is say “sweetheart can you please take your plate to the sink?” Or “please hand me your plate and I’ll take it to the sink…do you want a refill on your water?” Or even “Larla—can you please take everyone’s plates to the sink?”)

It didn’t need to be a huge deal, but you kind of made it one with your approach “are you really going to….?!” Yes. Obviously not only was he ”going to” but he already HAD…and that was clearly WRONG in your eyes. The comment was dripping with judgement and disdain. You may as well have said “are you really stupid and gross?!?!”
And not only was he was hurt by that, he just didn’t feel like the act was that egregious as to warrant such a strong reaction from you.
So he responded in a way that acknowledged that you were clearly expressing that this was a HUGE deal—but he didn’t agree.
Maybe he didn’t think it was a big deal because he hadn’t gotten up from watching TV yet. And as he pointed out—you probably would have scolded him for putting it on the glass table.
Or maybe he was just being a lazy jerk.

But the point is—you didn’t really approach this in a kind way that gave him a graceful out to make you happy. His back was against a wall and he reacted accordingly.

Next time—just try approaching this as if it were a friend you LIKED who did that same thing. Because OP, you kind of approached this as though you are disgusted by him and don’t care if you hurt his feelings.

This is a really good interpretation of both sides. OP, this is exactly how your post - written by you so presumably in a charitable light - reads.