My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

OP, the most frustrating feeling in the world is: when you want to control another person and they don't listen. This is what is happening to you and what you are feeling.

The solution is to stop trying to control the actions of other people.

I think that you *think* that the answer is that your husband always acts In a way that is acceptable to you. That is not correct.

Honestly, this is something that therapy can fix very quickly.

[Anonymous]

I'm with OP here in the sense that it's not the dirty plate on the couch per se, but perhaps the feeling of what do I need to remind him to put his dishes away in the first place? Could she be more polite? Sure. Could he not be another child that needs reminding? Yes. I think all parents and especially mothers know how utterly frustrating it is to remind their kids CONSTANTLY to do basic things around the house. And add an adult.

[Anonymous]

Yeah this isn’t about the plate—for either of you.

For you it’s really about your perception that he is rude and/or lazy (because why didn’t he just take the time to get up and put his plate in the sink)
For him, he isn’t actually trying to take a stand re: dirty plates on the sofa. He’s trying to take a stand against you bossing him around, showing disdain for him, and the way in which you approached the issue.
(FWIW, You aren’t wrong to not want him to leave his “dirty dish” on the sofa—and he isn’t wrong to think it’s not a big deal to leave it there for a few minutes. But all you needed to do is say “sweetheart can you please take your plate to the sink?” Or “please hand me your plate and I’ll take it to the sink…do you want a refill on your water?” Or even “Larla—can you please take everyone’s plates to the sink?”)

It didn’t need to be a huge deal, but you kind of made it one with your approach “are you really going to….?!” Yes. Obviously not only was he ”going to” but he already HAD…and that was clearly WRONG in your eyes. The comment was dripping with judgement and disdain. You may as well have said “are you really stupid and gross?!?!”
And not only was he was hurt by that, he just didn’t feel like the act was that egregious as to warrant such a strong reaction from you.
So he responded in a way that acknowledged that you were clearly expressing that this was a HUGE deal—but he didn’t agree.
Maybe he didn’t think it was a big deal because he hadn’t gotten up from watching TV yet. And as he pointed out—you probably would have scolded him for putting it on the glass table.
Or maybe he was just being a lazy jerk.

But the point is—you didn’t really approach this in a kind way that gave him a graceful out to make you happy. His back was against a wall and he reacted accordingly.

Next time—just try approaching this as if it were a friend you LIKED who did that same thing. Because OP, you kind of approached this as though you are disgusted by him and don’t care if you hurt his feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up my dad would get frustrated like this about the way we loaded the dishwasher, folded towels, or even how much toilet paper we used. You may be objectively right about the plate, but what your kids hear is not “don’t put dirty dishes on the couch.” Instead, they hear “mom is so high strung we cannot make mistakes,” or “order is always more important than fun.” I would suggest trying to let the little things go, not just for your marriage, but for your relationship with your kids.

Read this post 10 times OP. My BIL is like this in his house and it's freaking miserable and his kids can't stand him.

[Anonymous]

All of the little things are adding up because you aren't letting them go. I'm sure your husband could add up little things that irritate him, because we are all individuals. Instead you don't even realize that he's dropped the rope on things that do not matter.

Homes are meant to be lived in. Messes are made, things aren't Instagram perfect. It's fine.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is me and my husband all the time, and we hate ourselves afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

You need to outsource some of this so you can free your mind. I have a cleaner come twice a week and it's really not that expensive ($125 plus tip). It's a sanity saver for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah this isn’t about the plate—for either of you.

For you it’s really about your perception that he is rude and/or lazy (because why didn’t he just take the time to get up and put his plate in the sink)
For him, he isn’t actually trying to take a stand re: dirty plates on the sofa. He’s trying to take a stand against you bossing him around, showing disdain for him, and the way in which you approached the issue.
(FWIW, You aren’t wrong to not want him to leave his “dirty dish” on the sofa—and he isn’t wrong to think it’s not a big deal to leave it there for a few minutes. But all you needed to do is say “sweetheart can you please take your plate to the sink?” Or “please hand me your plate and I’ll take it to the sink…do you want a refill on your water?” Or even “Larla—can you please take everyone’s plates to the sink?”)

It didn’t need to be a huge deal, but you kind of made it one with your approach “are you really going to….?!” Yes. Obviously not only was he ”going to” but he already HAD…and that was clearly WRONG in your eyes. The comment was dripping with judgement and disdain. You may as well have said “are you really stupid and gross?!?!”
And not only was he was hurt by that, he just didn’t feel like the act was that egregious as to warrant such a strong reaction from you.
So he responded in a way that acknowledged that you were clearly expressing that this was a HUGE deal—but he didn’t agree.
Maybe he didn’t think it was a big deal because he hadn’t gotten up from watching TV yet. And as he pointed out—you probably would have scolded him for putting it on the glass table.
Or maybe he was just being a lazy jerk.

But the point is—you didn’t really approach this in a kind way that gave him a graceful out to make you happy. His back was against a wall and he reacted accordingly.

OP here, this was very helpful thanks.

Next time—just try approaching this as if it were a friend you LIKED who did that same thing. Because OP, you kind of approached this as though you are disgusted by him and don’t care if you hurt his feelings.

[Anonymous]

What’s the score, OP? I know you’re keeping track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah this isn’t about the plate—for either of you.

For you it’s really about your perception that he is rude and/or lazy (because why didn’t he just take the time to get up and put his plate in the sink)
For him, he isn’t actually trying to take a stand re: dirty plates on the sofa. He’s trying to take a stand against you bossing him around, showing disdain for him, and the way in which you approached the issue.
(FWIW, You aren’t wrong to not want him to leave his “dirty dish” on the sofa—and he isn’t wrong to think it’s not a big deal to leave it there for a few minutes. But all you needed to do is say “sweetheart can you please take your plate to the sink?” Or “please hand me your plate and I’ll take it to the sink…do you want a refill on your water?” Or even “Larla—can you please take everyone’s plates to the sink?”)

It didn’t need to be a huge deal, but you kind of made it one with your approach “are you really going to….?!” Yes. Obviously not only was he ”going to” but he already HAD…and that was clearly WRONG in your eyes. The comment was dripping with judgement and disdain. You may as well have said “are you really stupid and gross?!?!”
And not only was he was hurt by that, he just didn’t feel like the act was that egregious as to warrant such a strong reaction from you.
So he responded in a way that acknowledged that you were clearly expressing that this was a HUGE deal—but he didn’t agree.
Maybe he didn’t think it was a big deal because he hadn’t gotten up from watching TV yet. And as he pointed out—you probably would have scolded him for putting it on the glass table.
Or maybe he was just being a lazy jerk.

But the point is—you didn’t really approach this in a kind way that gave him a graceful out to make you happy. His back was against a wall and he reacted accordingly.

Next time—just try approaching this as if it were a friend you LIKED who did that same thing. Because OP, you kind of approached this as though you are disgusted by him and don’t care if you hurt his feelings.

OP here, this was helpful, thank you!

[Anonymous]

If I were your husband I would also be pretty frustrated that I would get in trouble and have to have a whole discussion or fight about stupid things that I don't think twice about. I want to be able to live in my house without always worrying that I'm doing something wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the score, OP? I know you’re keeping track.

No, I am not. I said that in my post. But I hope you feel better with yourself after that comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

So your post title is not the situation at all. Your marriage is going to break over very fundamental things and you are inappropriately taking out your resentment over very little things.

I wonder based on your example whether you all have a disagreement about what needs to be done and possibly how it needs to be done and how often it needs to be done. This is a common dynamic. Your standards are high and you're critical so your spouse shuts down. You want him to help and do his equal share but when doing it he needs to do it your way. Based on your reported dialogue between the two of you, sounds like that could be a factor.

I used to pack my kids' lunches and they were very healthy and homemade and all the good things. My husband took this over and that's not how it is anymore. It's a container of Pringles and some oreos and a sandwich. Almost never any fresh fruit, which I used to make sure to include. Do I love it? Nope. Do I say anything? Nope. Thanks for packing the lunches is all I say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

Good question—
And the answer is you don’t respond at all. You take a deep breath and learn not to be quite so concerned with other people’s actions. This is not shoes on the sofa—this is clean underside of plate sitting on sofa. (And if you are worried the plate will flip over, “oops—here let me grab that for ya—-I don’t want the plate to flip over and get pizza sauce on the sofa….” Because this is YOUR fear and /or pet peeve. Not his.)
If the plate is still there in 2 hours, then say “honey can you please grab your plate and bring it to the sink?”
But my guess is that it wouldn’t have been there for two hours.
So your problem is somewhere between 30 seconds and two hours.
How short is a shirt enough time.
Is it okay to park the plate there for any length of time?
If no—then the simple convo of “babe this is a thing that bothers me…can you please not put plates on the sofa?”
I doubt he’d be all “no you’re ridiculous!” if you approached this with any sort of kindness and diplomacy.