My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

[Anonymous]

I’d be annoyed if you made that into a big thing. He’s an adult, why make it a big deal when it’s not?! It sounds like YOU let little things bother you which creates distance in your marriage. I think you need individual therapy to learn to let go sometimes. You sound uptight and I’ve seen a lot of marriages end in divorce when there’s an uptight person turning small things into big issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

Chill the F out

[Anonymous]

You are the issue. I’m a clean freak too but I can’t control dh. Did he actually dirty the couch? He’s right that plates aren’t dirty on the bottom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

Op here, thank you, appreciate the constructive advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

I'm not OP but why do you have to be the one to change? Why does your partner get to have a spouse + a personal assistant/chef/housekeeper (whatever it is he isn't pulling his weight on)? The rest of us would love a partner who took care of the rest of these pesky life details. Or even just an equal partner.

Actually, he DID change a lot. By himself, for himself, and to be a good dad and husband. Not in all the ways I would have laid out in a letter or a checklist, but in a lot of ways that have been important for our family.

[Anonymous]

You sound crazy. Are you getting enough exercise? You really gotta let the small stuff go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

Op here, thank you, appreciate the constructive advice.

All of this exactly. I have the same issue in my marriage and it's very hard to manage the resentment. There are a lot of books and podcasts about being the default parent/spouse and mental load. It's a very very common issue in marriages.

[Anonymous]

This is a conversation we've had in the home:

Me: DS, please don't forget to bring the plate to the kitchen after you're done eating.

DS: But daddy didn't do it, and you didn't say anything.

Me: Daddy has his own mommy and daddy who raised him, I'm not his mommy, I'm raising you.

DS: Daddy, if I have to bring my plate, you bring your plate too.

Problem solved.

What you've got though is layers and layers of resentment that are coloring every interaction. Either give your DH benefit of the doubt that his entire existence is not there to thwart you, or divorce already.

On how to get DHs to do more around the house: There are a million other threads on that.

[Anonymous]

I’m the person who does this. My husband is bothered by it so he just picks up the plate.

I do other things he’s not bothered by - he could sleep in sheets that haven’t been changed in months. I need them changed weekly bc of allergies, so I do it. It’s all a give and take.

It’s a little dramatic that that one interaction ruined your evening. There is clearly more going on that you can hopefully uncover in therapy.

[Anonymous]

doesn't sound like you are picking and choosing your battles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

Op here, thank you, appreciate the constructive advice.

DP but this is not constructive advice, although it’s not surprising it’s the kind of advice you gravitate toward.

This has nothing to do with division of labor. Your husband didn’t get the couch dirty. Any “labor” that falls on you from a total non-event is in your head. You are controlling and a martyr and you picked a fight over nothing and were (and still are) unable to drop it, despite your husband apologizing and telling you you were right (which you weren’t).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

I'm not OP but why do you have to be the one to change? Why does your partner get to have a spouse + a personal assistant/chef/housekeeper (whatever it is he isn't pulling his weight on)? The rest of us would love a partner who took care of the rest of these pesky life details. Or even just an equal partner.

Actually, he DID change a lot. By himself, for himself, and to be a good dad and husband. Not in all the ways I would have laid out in a letter or a checklist, but in a lot of ways that have been important for our family.

And yet…the message you are sending with these petty jabs is “it’s not enough…it’s never enough…you aren’t enough”
OP—if DH is truly a jerk, that’s a different story. But respectfully, you defend him here in this post not arent recognizing what it must be like for him to be on the receiving end of realizing that even with a huge effort to make big changes (“ by himself, for himself, and to be a good dad and husband”—your words), it is not enough for the woman he loves because she expects no less than perfection and complete adherence to her standards even in the little things.
It’s just….it can be defeating.
And your husband won’t say this, because it will sound threatening, but I will: there are many many women “out there” who will appreciate the many wonderful things about him that you forget to highlight and who will overlook the small things that drive you crazy. He doesn’t want those women. He wants you. But he also wants a peaceful existence with you.
I think it would be helpful if you do your part not to tip the scales.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

Can you read?

OP, the post you responded to HAD a suggestion. As long as the plate was basically clean what he did was fine.

Have you always had anxiety issues or a tendency toward OCD? It can become much worse in perimenopause. You may want to treat it with meds and/or CBT. What you describe can lead to divorce and pretty estranged adult kids. What you are claiming HE does is what YOU do. Can you see that? The energy/emotion behind your behavior is a YOU problem and may benefit from medical treatment.

Sounds like a tense and shitty childhood over what? A clean plate sat on a couch briefly?

Get help, OP. I grew up with an anxious and controlling mother and it sucked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

I'm not OP but why do you have to be the one to change? Why does your partner get to have a spouse + a personal assistant/chef/housekeeper (whatever it is he isn't pulling his weight on)? The rest of us would love a partner who took care of the rest of these pesky life details. Or even just an equal partner.

Actually, he DID change a lot. By himself, for himself, and to be a good dad and husband. Not in all the ways I would have laid out in a letter or a checklist, but in a lot of ways that have been important for our family.

And yet…the message you are sending with these petty jabs is “it’s not enough…it’s never enough…you aren’t enough”
OP—if DH is truly a jerk, that’s a different story. But respectfully, you defend him here in this post not arent recognizing what it must be like for him to be on the receiving end of realizing that even with a huge effort to make big changes (“ by himself, for himself, and to be a good dad and husband”—your words), it is not enough for the woman he loves because she expects no less than perfection and complete adherence to her standards even in the little things.
It’s just….it can be defeating.
And your husband won’t say this, because it will sound threatening, but I will: there are many many women “out there” who will appreciate the many wonderful things about him that you forget to highlight and who will overlook the small things that drive you crazy. He doesn’t want those women. He wants you. But he also wants a peaceful existence with you.
I think it would be helpful if you do your part not to tip the scales.

DH can bounce, definitely. But the kids are going to be estranged from OP. You know this need for control does not stop with DH nor does the subtle invalidation.