My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

You think this sounds fine?

"It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes."

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play...

That’s was total BS. If that was the issue she should have led with it not added it after pages off a pile on. Plus I am not convinced someone is angry the next morning about the the plate is causing a whole lot of make-work.

I will give OP the benefit of the doubt and say that she does not see how the plate is a red herring that she has chosen to focus on because she is unable or unwilling to acknowledge the bigger problems in her marriage. She says multiple times that he's a wonderful husband and they have no big issues...and then says that she does everything and has a ton of resentment for her husband. So something is clearly very wrong with their marriage but instead of dealing with the bigger, harder issue, she is choosing to pick ridiculous fights about plates. Hopefully she'll see that. But I don't disagree with your point that it sounds like OP is making a much bigger deal out of things than is warranted, and that is likely contributing to the bigger issues in her marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

You think this sounds fine?

"It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes."

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play...

Does your DH do the yardwork, car maintenance, take care of major appliances, etc? So many women complain about having to do housework, but then give husbands zero credit for things they do and she doesn't have to worry about. I'll happily clean toilets and do all the laundry in the air conditioning, as my DH is out in the heat, humidty, and gnats pushing a lawn mower.

I'm the PP. To be clear, I don't have complaints about my husband, nor do I ignore the time and effort he puts into the things that he does (some of which are the same as what I do, like childcare, others of which are wholly his responsibility such as yardwork).

I was more reacting to the fact that both OP and that other PP seemed to say things in this marriage are great EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THE HUSBAND DOES NOTHING. It seems like they're both missing the boat. This marriage isn't great. But picking a fight about a plate isn't going to help anything. So you and I are on the same page. Sorry I wasn't clearer.

[Anonymous]

OP, you and DH are in a behavior feedback loop, and you need to break it. He does X, you get upset and criticize, he defends himself, and it goes on until the next day, when you are still angry and he concedes something. If it's the same thing every time, then you need to change your behavior at the beginning of the pattern, and then he'll change his. For example, if the typical pattern is that he does something you think isn't ok and you demand to know how he could do that, try doing something different. Like, maybe he puts the plate on the couch, and instead of angrily demanding how he could do such a thing, just ask nicely if he could put the plate in the sink. Or maybe just ignore it. You need to stop that escalation of the little thing into an argument, and you can't control him, so you need to make a change on your end - not in your feelings, but in the action or actions that launch the two of you into that feedback loop that creates bad feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're F'ing kidding me if that's your example of why your marriage is going to break. LIGHTEN UP.

It's death by a thousand papercuts. Marriages don't have to end because of catastrophic stuff. It can be that at a certain point, one partner gets tired of compromising. Gets tired of the dirty socks everywhere, the dishes that aren't put away, the bathroom that is always gross, the car filled with detritus, whatever. And says - you know what? I don't want to do this anymore.

You hope that in a good marriage it doesn't get to that point - because both people are considerate of the others and because the positives of the relationship outweigh those compromises. It sounds like OP is reaching the point where she doesn't feel that way anymore. That dish on the couch is a last straw.

Or maybe she was just in a bad mood and today dishes could be everywhere and she wouldn't care!

If my spouse told me that something I was doing bothered them that much - and it was such an easy thing to not do - I would xhange it. It's not like she's saying she can't stand being around him and there's not much he can do. Or that he needs to lose 100 pounds or she'll leave him. She's just asking him to put away the dish. It's really not big.

[Anonymous]

This was the dynamic in our house growing up and now my mom wonders why we don’t visit and limit her access to our kids. Gee, mom, why wouldn’t I want my kids exposed to your toxicity so that they too can learn to walk on eggshells?

[Anonymous]

You contradict yourself. You did not have a blow up fight and he conceded the next morning. So he did budge in your favor. You are making mountains out of mole hills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're F'ing kidding me if that's your example of why your marriage is going to break. LIGHTEN UP.

It's death by a thousand papercuts. Marriages don't have to end because of catastrophic stuff. It can be that at a certain point, one partner gets tired of compromising. Gets tired of the dirty socks everywhere, the dishes that aren't put away, the bathroom that is always gross, the car filled with detritus, whatever. And says - you know what? I don't want to do this anymore.

You hope that in a good marriage it doesn't get to that point - because both people are considerate of the others and because the positives of the relationship outweigh those compromises. It sounds like OP is reaching the point where she doesn't feel that way anymore. That dish on the couch is a last straw.

Or maybe she was just in a bad mood and today dishes could be everywhere and she wouldn't care!

If my spouse told me that something I was doing bothered them that much - and it was such an easy thing to not do - I would xhange it. It's not like she's saying she can't stand being around him and there's not much he can do. Or that he needs to lose 100 pounds or she'll leave him. She's just asking him to put away the dish. It's really not big.

The other side of this coin is death by a thousand nagging complaints. You don’t think her husband might also be close to his breaking point with her uptight, controlling behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're F'ing kidding me if that's your example of why your marriage is going to break. LIGHTEN UP.

It's death by a thousand papercuts. Marriages don't have to end because of catastrophic stuff. It can be that at a certain point, one partner gets tired of compromising. Gets tired of the dirty socks everywhere, the dishes that aren't put away, the bathroom that is always gross, the car filled with detritus, whatever. And says - you know what? I don't want to do this anymore.

You hope that in a good marriage it doesn't get to that point - because both people are considerate of the others and because the positives of the relationship outweigh those compromises. It sounds like OP is reaching the point where she doesn't feel that way anymore. That dish on the couch is a last straw.

Or maybe she was just in a bad mood and today dishes could be everywhere and she wouldn't care!

If my spouse told me that something I was doing bothered them that much - and it was such an easy thing to not do - I would xhange it. It's not like she's saying she can't stand being around him and there's not much he can do. Or that he needs to lose 100 pounds or she'll leave him. She's just asking him to put away the dish. It's really not big.

You're right, a dish is not a big thing, so OP shouldn't have brought it up. There are two sides to that coin...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I gave up a few pages in.

OP - I get it. A lot of PPs are basically saying that you aren't allowed to have feelings about anything and your husband NEVER has to compromise. They are yelling at you to be more diplomatic but really don't bother because you just have to suck everything up.

But I get it. Because I bet you were diplomatic in the past. I'll bet when the relationship was new, you framed things in a nice way as a request and seeking compromise. And you got nowhere. And now you're fed up.

Marriage is about compromise and caring about the other person. If the other person NEVER compromises and NEVER takes your feelings into account, how is that acceptable. When you are on the receiving end of that, you stop feeling like being diplomatic or just shrugging it off for the 10 millionth time and you get annoyed by a stupid plate.

Not buying this at all. People who are even saying OP was 1% right are off. OP raised the issue of workload in a much later post. It does not ring true and seems to be cover for the pounding she is taking. Objectively there is nothing wrong with what her DH did. This is not the hill she dies on. They need a marriage counselor or this will not last. But this example is not what she should run in with. It seems like movie and night together and maybe get frisky. Anyone who would allow a plate to mess that up is off -- that is why the reaction is like it is. And to bring it up the next morning is the type of thing that will make the husband think this thing might be over.

OP clarified the larger issue is workload a whole 27 minutes after her original post. That is hardly much later.

After 20 negative posts.

Obviously she figured out something she'd omitted from her OP. It happens. Welcome to DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was the dynamic in our house growing up and now my mom wonders why we don’t visit and limit her access to our kids. Gee, mom, why wouldn’t I want my kids exposed to your toxicity so that they too can learn to walk on eggshells?

Your dad was as slob who refused to clean up behind yourself, your mom felt worn down by the constant disrespect, and you blame your mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

I'm not OP but why do you have to be the one to change? Why does your partner get to have a spouse + a personal assistant/chef/housekeeper (whatever it is he isn't pulling his weight on)? The rest of us would love a partner who took care of the rest of these pesky life details. Or even just an equal partner.

DP. We can only control ourselves, not other people.

That doesn’t excuse poor behavior from a partner. It takes two to have a partnership.

Sigh. It's not being used an excuse. The sooner you can comprehend that the better off you'll be. But if you are determined to be miserable, then go ahead. Some of us don't want to live like that.

Some of us don't accept that a "partnership" is us doing 90% of the work at home. Some of us don't want to live like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

There will be stupid little things in a shared household. The question is, do you need or want to pick a fight about every one? This did not have to be a fight. You made it into one.

+1 - My DH leaves dishes downstairs on the regular when he has a snack while watching late night tv, falls asleep and then forgets to bring them up. He kicks off his socks and puts them under the family room coffee table (twice this week!). It drives me crazy. I have asked him on multiple occasions calmly to not do this. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he does not.

You know what? Now I just bring them up if I see them and don't say anything. To your point we agree on the big stuff. Living with other people can be annoying but on some things, especially the little ones, you roll with it. I'm sure I have annoying habits that he is too nice to point out.

One of my family members regularly leaves their socks under the coffee table. They're 5. They're learning. I don't know what your DH's excuse is or why he can't clean up behind himself like a normal adult.

My kids are 10 and they still sometimes leave socks lying around. It happens. I calmly ask them to please bring them to their room and they will calmly do so. I don't say "I am SHOCKED that you left your socks out again! Are you seriously going to keep doing that?!" I guess we all have to pick the hills we are willing to die on.

You and I are talking about children. We're responding to a post about an adult. Big difference in abilities to be responsible for themselves and clean up behind themselves. Or, at least there should be big differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

You think this sounds fine?

"It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes."

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play...

Does your DH do the yardwork, car maintenance, take care of major appliances, etc? So many women complain about having to do housework, but then give husbands zero credit for things they do and she doesn't have to worry about. I'll happily clean toilets and do all the laundry in the air conditioning, as my DH is out in the heat, humidty, and gnats pushing a lawn mower.

Your cars, yard, and appliance need weekly attention?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're F'ing kidding me if that's your example of why your marriage is going to break. LIGHTEN UP.

It's death by a thousand papercuts. Marriages don't have to end because of catastrophic stuff. It can be that at a certain point, one partner gets tired of compromising. Gets tired of the dirty socks everywhere, the dishes that aren't put away, the bathroom that is always gross, the car filled with detritus, whatever. And says - you know what? I don't want to do this anymore.

You hope that in a good marriage it doesn't get to that point - because both people are considerate of the others and because the positives of the relationship outweigh those compromises. It sounds like OP is reaching the point where she doesn't feel that way anymore. That dish on the couch is a last straw.

Or maybe she was just in a bad mood and today dishes could be everywhere and she wouldn't care!

If my spouse told me that something I was doing bothered them that much - and it was such an easy thing to not do - I would xhange it. It's not like she's saying she can't stand being around him and there's not much he can do. Or that he needs to lose 100 pounds or she'll leave him. She's just asking him to put away the dish. It's really not big.

The other side of this coin is death by a thousand nagging complaints. You don’t think her husband might also be close to his breaking point with her uptight, controlling behavior?

He might be! It might be that they are both done with this marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was the dynamic in our house growing up and now my mom wonders why we don’t visit and limit her access to our kids. Gee, mom, why wouldn’t I want my kids exposed to your toxicity so that they too can learn to walk on eggshells?

Your dad was as slob who refused to clean up behind yourself, your mom felt worn down by the constant disrespect, and you blame your mom?

Dad was probably more fun. Mom was just a drag who expected the people she shared a home with to pick up after themselves.