My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I unsuccessfully tried for years to get my husband to help. Read the empowered wife. It will be a game changer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah this isn’t about the plate—for either of you.

For you it’s really about your perception that he is rude and/or lazy (because why didn’t he just take the time to get up and put his plate in the sink)
For him, he isn’t actually trying to take a stand re: dirty plates on the sofa. He’s trying to take a stand against you bossing him around, showing disdain for him, and the way in which you approached the issue.
(FWIW, You aren’t wrong to not want him to leave his “dirty dish” on the sofa—and he isn’t wrong to think it’s not a big deal to leave it there for a few minutes. But all you needed to do is say “sweetheart can you please take your plate to the sink?” Or “please hand me your plate and I’ll take it to the sink…do you want a refill on your water?” Or even “Larla—can you please take everyone’s plates to the sink?”)

It didn’t need to be a huge deal, but you kind of made it one with your approach “are you really going to….?!” Yes. Obviously not only was he ”going to” but he already HAD…and that was clearly WRONG in your eyes. The comment was dripping with judgement and disdain. You may as well have said “are you really stupid and gross?!?!”
And not only was he was hurt by that, he just didn’t feel like the act was that egregious as to warrant such a strong reaction from you.
So he responded in a way that acknowledged that you were clearly expressing that this was a HUGE deal—but he didn’t agree.
Maybe he didn’t think it was a big deal because he hadn’t gotten up from watching TV yet. And as he pointed out—you probably would have scolded him for putting it on the glass table.
Or maybe he was just being a lazy jerk.

But the point is—you didn’t really approach this in a kind way that gave him a graceful out to make you happy. His back was against a wall and he reacted accordingly.

Next time—just try approaching this as if it were a friend you LIKED who did that same thing. Because OP, you kind of approached this as though you are disgusted by him and don’t care if you hurt his feelings.

Love this. When speaking to your spouse, "would you speak to a good friend this way?" is always an excellent question.

I have heard many times that "disdain" is the most deadly emotion in a marriage.

FWIW, my DH is a bit OCD about things like putting away dirty dishes. I'll have just eaten lunch and be sitting at the kitchen counter with a dirty plate, reading the news or answering email. I'll put the plate away when I get up to go do something else, but I'm not going to stop what I'm doing just so I don't have a dirty plate sitting next to me. This clearly bugs my DH, so the result is he asks nicely "are you done with that?" and grabs the plate and puts it in the dishwasher. It actually bugs me a bit, because I would have gotten around to it and I used to feel he was being judgy. If he had ever been openly critical, I would react badly and it would be a big argument. But, at the end of the day, it really is his problem, not mine, and his approach acknowledges that.

[Anonymous]

I have read no responses but Jfc op don’t die on stupid tiny hills. It’s not that hard. My dh doesn’t remember to do anything ever. That’s a hill to die on not a freaking plate on a couch

[Anonymous]

Would it have killed you to just put the plate away? You sound so petty.

YOU were wrong in this scenario.

You need to go seek therapy for your undiagnosed anxiety and control issues.

[Anonymous]

So…your DH doubled down, and you doubled down the next morning, but you’re the only who’s angry (because DH had a perfectly emotionally mature response). 🤔

Changing your thoughts = happiness > divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

OP I could have written your initial post. The bolded is the underlying issue for me as well. To me it signals a lack of respect. The haters here say its a little thing to leave a dish on the sofa. You acknowledge that yourself. I would say it is so little he can't be bothered to do it himself and instead expects you to do it for him. Also, it isn't the one instance, it is the accumulation of all of the things that are "beneath him," but clearly he expects somebody else to take care of. There is also the aspect of whatever mess he leaves out, you and your kids have to live with, or clean up for him. My own DH recognizes the need to clean up when people come over, but will leave his breakfast dishes out in the morning, a dirty counter from making himself lunch, hair all over the shower and in the sink, bed unmade, pajamas on the floor, knock over a stack of papers on his desk which he leaves on the floor, and walk out the door. When you leave a mess for others you live with, you are expecting them to live in your mess or clean up behind you. That isn't adult behavior. No roommate would tolerate that, so why should a partner be expected to put up with that? Maybe everyone hating on OP lives in a McMansion with a lot more space. The rest of us commoners live in each other's space and can't simply close the door in a few dishes left on a desk in a private office.

^
This, 100%. It’s an issue of respect and responsibility for your own messes that the husband is failing at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

OP I could have written your initial post. The bolded is the underlying issue for me as well. To me it signals a lack of respect. The haters here say its a little thing to leave a dish on the sofa. You acknowledge that yourself. I would say it is so little he can't be bothered to do it himself and instead expects you to do it for him. Also, it isn't the one instance, it is the accumulation of all of the things that are "beneath him," but clearly he expects somebody else to take care of. There is also the aspect of whatever mess he leaves out, you and your kids have to live with, or clean up for him. My own DH recognizes the need to clean up when people come over, but will leave his breakfast dishes out in the morning, a dirty counter from making himself lunch, hair all over the shower and in the sink, bed unmade, pajamas on the floor, knock over a stack of papers on his desk which he leaves on the floor, and walk out the door. When you leave a mess for others you live with, you are expecting them to live in your mess or clean up behind you. That isn't adult behavior. No roommate would tolerate that, so why should a partner be expected to put up with that? Maybe everyone hating on OP lives in a McMansion with a lot more space. The rest of us commoners live in each other's space and can't simply close the door in a few dishes left on a desk in a private office.

^
This, 100%. It’s an issue of respect and responsibility for your own messes that the husband is failing at.

I get it, OP. The things build up. I start doing petty things. Like if he leaves his clothes on the floor, i literally just start walking on top of them to get to where i need to go. I leave his plates where he left them, dirty and untouched (even if I start the dishwasher). my kids know to put their plates away so it’s pretty obvious whose it is. All the extra work adds up and just builds more and more resentment. He forgot to find a dog sitter this past week for our vacation with his family (he didnt tell me the air bnb his family booked did not allow dogs, and I had to scramble to find dog sitters, clean the sheets/house in preparation for people staying there). I told him next time he goes with the kids and I stay home with the dog. I truly feel done despite also recognizing that I’m still better off than most women. I don’t understand. I bring home the most money, work the most, and do the majority of everything at home. Our sex life has suffered bc I feel a lot of resentment. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

If it's not a big deal to walk the plate over, do it yourself because it's important to you. OP is on the fast track to shrew town because she wants to boss her husband around over the dumbest of issues.

[Anonymous]

No big deal. Learn to let go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's not a big deal to walk the plate over, do it yourself because it's important to you. OP is on the fast track to shrew town because she wants to boss her husband around over the dumbest of issues.

So whats your response when nothing house-related is important to your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Stop doing his laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's not a big deal to walk the plate over, do it yourself because it's important to you. OP is on the fast track to shrew town because she wants to boss her husband around over the dumbest of issues.

So whats your response when nothing house-related is important to your spouse?

Not PP but I got so tired of always doing everything- house, working full time (I make double DH), All the child care, finances, etc and DH cared less and less about the house and bring a partner or dad and wanted to just do his own thing with no responsibilities. So now we are divorcing and even though I have full custody and all the chores, life is easier since I’m not picking up after someone and not living in someone’s mess. We deserve to live in a nice environment.