My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

My wife leaves a stack of plates and bowls by her computer all the time. I take them downstairs if they bother me, and ignore them if I don't feel like doing that. What I don't do is stew about it and threaten the stability a sacred promise I made before God over some damn plates.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

[Anonymous]

Wow. YTA. So not a big deal that you turned into Mt. Everest. Chill TF out.

[Anonymous]

Death by a thousand cuts is real, OP.

[Anonymous]

I hope this is fake but obviously the OP is the problem and doesn’t know how to respect other adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this is fake but obviously the OP is the problem and doesn’t know how to respect other adults.

I think it might be fake too. The example is so ridiculous it's got to be fake.

[Anonymous]

So I have OCD so tend to be super rigid about stuff in my own head. I have learned though in a successful marriage that I need to let a lot go and not hold onto it. Things that bug me don’t bug my wife ( 2 mom family). I would leave plate next to me on couch until I next got up. I wouldn’t leave if there all night though. Side leaves a plate of cup on the table next to couch all night and I see it in the morning. Drives me bonkers. Sometimes I put it in dishwasher sometimes I leave it and she does it later. I don’t pick a fight with her k er it though. It’s not worth it. I’m sure I do things that annoy her. You gotta be able to let go of these things OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

[Anonymous]

I would say it’s dirty to leave a dirty plate on the couch but we wouldn’t eat pizza on the couch. It sounds like you’re fine with eating pizza on the couch (with hands??) but not with leaving a plate there for a few minutes which honestly does sound a bit insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn’t have wanted a used plate on the couch, either. Pizza is greasy and if the plate was being held, it’s greasy, too. Why put it on the couch? Yuck. Glass is easily cleanable. I don’t understand his logic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say it’s dirty to leave a dirty plate on the couch but we wouldn’t eat pizza on the couch. It sounds like you’re fine with eating pizza on the couch (with hands??) but not with leaving a plate there for a few minutes which honestly does sound a bit insane.

I agree with you about OP, but the idea of eating pizza on the couch with a knife and fork is the craziest thing I've heard in a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

Have a conversation with yourself in your head to try and analyze why this bothers you so much. Acknowledge to yourself that if you snipe at him over it, it will escalate things over something petty and ruin the night. Recognize that a plate that once held pizza is not going to harm the couch and you need to let it go becauase it is not worth arguing over/causing a scene. Try and drill down with yourself as to why this small inconsequential thing is so bothersome to you, and try to get over it without involving your husband in your mental process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This morning DH woke up as if nothing happened. When I shared with him my feelings he conceded that I was right. It's not about being right or wrong. It's about him doubling down on these almost meaningless things, not budging at all, telling me he doesnt want to talk about it because he feels a certain way and I do another and there is no way to work around it. It's not after there is a big blow up that he may concede that maybe he didnt go about it the right way.

lol. The nerve.

[Anonymous]

Growing up my dad would get frustrated like this about the way we loaded the dishwasher, folded towels, or even how much toilet paper we used. You may be objectively right about the plate, but what your kids hear is not “don’t put dirty dishes on the couch.” Instead, they hear “mom is so high strung we cannot make mistakes,” or “order is always more important than fun.” I would suggest trying to let the little things go, not just for your marriage, but for your relationship with your kids.