Considering Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Threatened me with physical violence, did not physically harm me. We were arguing, both yelling, both swearing and it escalated.

I have a long ago history in an abusive relationship that was life threatening violence and it’s not something I’m going to deal with. DH is aware of the history.

DH has gotten himself into individual counseling and anger management, but I’m waiting to see if it sticks.

You both need to work on this. Was your child home at the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, yelling and swearing at each other is not normal or healthy. You need therapy too. Lots of it. Healthy relationships and healthy people don’t fight like this.

I’m already in therapy. This argument was abnormal for us, hence noting the work stress.

Our household is generally peaceful.

What did he say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much fallacious thinking on here. Your DH made a very serious mistake. He should take steps to ensure that it never happens again, rules to prevent arguments from getting so hot, etc.

As bad as his threatening words were, they do not mean that A. He will now hit you. B. He will now hurt your kid. C. He is going to kill you.

His bad actions do mean he has to get his f*ing act together or life as he knows it is over.

DH is responding to this like he understands I am serious about ending our marriage because of how seriously I take this incident. He has not attempted to love bomb, nor did he even tell me about the counseling and anger management. I only know because there were claims reported to our insurance and I get notifications through our HSA, he does not know I’m notified, which tells me it’s not performative.

And all of that is great, it’s quite literally the least he should do for himself. I just don’t know if I’m interested in sticking it out past this. It’s like a switch, I do not feel the same about him as I did before this happened.

Part of why I’m even considering divorcing is because I’m not worried about splitting custody. Kid will be taken care of well in either household. DH is responsible as a Dad.

What does concern me is I don’t like the idea of new people being added in new relationships because step parents are either wonderful or terrible, and I don’t want my kid to have to share resources with step siblings.

It's odd to me how comfortable you seem to be about seeing your children less. Is there some part of you that wouldn't actually enjoy more YOU time, and as bad as whatever he threatened is or was (I don't know), here's a chance to get out from a lifestyle you don't actually want?

+1

Also I think it's weird that he hasn't told you he started counseling. How do you know it's actually anger management and not, say, weighing whether he wants to divorce you? Do the claims actually go into that level of detail? And why on earth wouldn't he tell you, if he actually wants your forgiveness and to stay married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much fallacious thinking on here. Your DH made a very serious mistake. He should take steps to ensure that it never happens again, rules to prevent arguments from getting so hot, etc.

As bad as his threatening words were, they do not mean that A. He will now hit you. B. He will now hurt your kid. C. He is going to kill you.

His bad actions do mean he has to get his f*ing act together or life as he knows it is over.

DH is responding to this like he understands I am serious about ending our marriage because of how seriously I take this incident. He has not attempted to love bomb, nor did he even tell me about the counseling and anger management. I only know because there were claims reported to our insurance and I get notifications through our HSA, he does not know I’m notified, which tells me it’s not performative.

And all of that is great, it’s quite literally the least he should do for himself. I just don’t know if I’m interested in sticking it out past this. It’s like a switch, I do not feel the same about him as I did before this happened.

Part of why I’m even considering divorcing is because I’m not worried about splitting custody. Kid will be taken care of well in either household. DH is responsible as a Dad.

What does concern me is I don’t like the idea of new people being added in new relationships because step parents are either wonderful or terrible, and I don’t want my kid to have to share resources with step siblings.

This isn’t a decision that needs to be made all at once.

I am getting divorced now and it took me years to know this was the right choice. I think ambivalence and going back and forth is normal. It’s very rarely clear even when it’s just awful… it’s a huge deal, especially all those factors you mention. Plus when my kids were the age of yours I would not have wanted to see them half the time. The youngest will be 7.5 when we do this and it feels way too young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH did something recently that crossed a hard bright line of a boundary. Something so egregious that I immediately told him I want a divorce.

He does not want to divorce and asked if we could separate instead.

I don’t believe in separations, for the most part, and in this instance am not interested.

We have one child(5). He’s a present and attentive father. However what occurred is a behavior that I don’t want our child to grow up around or believe is normal.

Not infidelity, not drugs or drinking.

The issue happened about a week ago. He has apologized and is taking steps to rectify.

I am feeling…meh. We can be in the same house, sleep in the same bed. I’m not angry, but I am feeling just done. Healthy fun adventurous sex life before this, and I have zero interest right now.

Objectively it’s likely not this last thing but being fed up because this last thing was the straw. We had a rough 2-years when first married, but the last few have been good.

Do I just stick it out? I don’t want my kid to deal with split households, split resources, step siblings, etc. I have no interest in ever remarrying and will be fine if I don’t have more kids.

For people who divorced, where it wasn’t a clear “my spouse is terrible and I must get out” how did you know? If you divorced, did you regret it?

If you stayed did things get better? How?

Probably should mention both of us have been under a bunch of work stress lately.

lol

boring troll OP.

can't wait for you to disclose your fake mystery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much fallacious thinking on here. Your DH made a very serious mistake. He should take steps to ensure that it never happens again, rules to prevent arguments from getting so hot, etc.

As bad as his threatening words were, they do not mean that A. He will now hit you. B. He will now hurt your kid. C. He is going to kill you.

His bad actions do mean he has to get his f*ing act together or life as he knows it is over.

DH is responding to this like he understands I am serious about ending our marriage because of how seriously I take this incident. He has not attempted to love bomb, nor did he even tell me about the counseling and anger management. I only know because there were claims reported to our insurance and I get notifications through our HSA, he does not know I’m notified, which tells me it’s not performative.

And all of that is great, it’s quite literally the least he should do for himself. I just don’t know if I’m interested in sticking it out past this. It’s like a switch, I do not feel the same about him as I did before this happened.

Part of why I’m even considering divorcing is because I’m not worried about splitting custody. Kid will be taken care of well in either household. DH is responsible as a Dad.

What does concern me is I don’t like the idea of new people being added in new relationships because step parents are either wonderful or terrible, and I don’t want my kid to have to share resources with step siblings.

Sounds like you also need to communicate better. Why wouldn’t he tell you he was going to therapy to try to fix this?

[Anonymous]

This happened a week ago and he already found a therapist, didn’t bother to tell you and you are already seeing claims? Hmmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to grow up. You two were in a major argument. People say things, including you. If he didn't hit you stop acting like a baby. You two have a child together. Any thought to how your kid's life will be with a broken home?

Also, 100% do not believe this ONE ARGUMENT did a 180 on your entire marriage. Sorry, doesn't work that way. You're leaving out stuff.

WTH is the matter with YOU?

OP, my first husband was verbally abusive and controlling. To the extent that I had no access to money. I had to sneak to get a house key cut. If I got even a whiff of that behavior from my now husband we would be on very shaky ground.

Take some time. Give your husband's counseling time to do some good. Have you ever had your own counseling?

Also, no more screaming and swearing at each other. That isn't doing your son any good, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Threatened me with physical violence, did not physically harm me. We were arguing, both yelling, both swearing and it escalated.

I have a long ago history in an abusive relationship that was life threatening violence and it’s not something I’m going to deal with. DH is aware of the history.

DH has gotten himself into individual counseling and anger management, but I’m waiting to see if it sticks.

Guess what, if you were in an all-out fight, swearing, yelling at each other, you were BOTH being verbally abusive to EACH OTHER. You both lost it and you don’t get to just arbitrarily say “oh this thing he said crossed my red line,” you BOTH crossed several lines before you got to that point. That’s not the dynamic of an abuser-victim relationship, that’s two people abusing each other.

You both need professional help and you need to get off your high horse, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Threatened me with physical violence, did not physically harm me. We were arguing, both yelling, both swearing and it escalated.

I have a long ago history in an abusive relationship that was life threatening violence and it’s not something I’m going to deal with. DH is aware of the history.

DH has gotten himself into individual counseling and anger management, but I’m waiting to see if it sticks.

In my experience threats were a precursor to violence I. Which my ex tried to kill me. When someone shows you who they are, believe them…the first time.

People say this a lot. Can you make sure you protect yourself, OP, by talking to someone both with and without him to see what a professional thinks? There may be a lot more to this than what you wrote in the post (either purposefully left out or repressed). I'd hate for you or your kid to end up finding out what his first actual act of violence would be. (And to be clear, I do think threats are serious, so I'm not saying he hasn't committed verbal violence at this point).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much fallacious thinking on here. Your DH made a very serious mistake. He should take steps to ensure that it never happens again, rules to prevent arguments from getting so hot, etc.

As bad as his threatening words were, they do not mean that A. He will now hit you. B. He will now hurt your kid. C. He is going to kill you.

His bad actions do mean he has to get his f*ing act together or life as he knows it is over.

DH is responding to this like he understands I am serious about ending our marriage because of how seriously I take this incident. He has not attempted to love bomb, nor did he even tell me about the counseling and anger management. I only know because there were claims reported to our insurance and I get notifications through our HSA, he does not know I’m notified, which tells me it’s not performative.

And all of that is great, it’s quite literally the least he should do for himself. I just don’t know if I’m interested in sticking it out past this. It’s like a switch, I do not feel the same about him as I did before this happened.

Part of why I’m even considering divorcing is because I’m not worried about splitting custody. Kid will be taken care of well in either household. DH is responsible as a Dad.

What does concern me is I don’t like the idea of new people being added in new relationships because step parents are either wonderful or terrible, and I don’t want my kid to have to share resources with step siblings.

If you feel safe, I don't think there's any harm in waiting to see if your feelings change, for better or worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Threatened me with physical violence, did not physically harm me. We were arguing, both yelling, both swearing and it escalated.

I have a long ago history in an abusive relationship that was life threatening violence and it’s not something I’m going to deal with. DH is aware of the history.

DH has gotten himself into individual counseling and anger management, but I’m waiting to see if it sticks.

Guess what, if you were in an all-out fight, swearing, yelling at each other, you were BOTH being verbally abusive to EACH OTHER. You both lost it and you don’t get to just arbitrarily say “oh this thing he said crossed my red line,” you BOTH crossed several lines before you got to that point. That’s not the dynamic of an abuser-victim relationship, that’s two people abusing each other.

You both need professional help and you need to get off your high horse, OP.

Swearing is not the same thing as threatening violence, especially if the person threatening violence is much larger and more powerful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Threatened me with physical violence, did not physically harm me. We were arguing, both yelling, both swearing and it escalated.

I have a long ago history in an abusive relationship that was life threatening violence and it’s not something I’m going to deal with. DH is aware of the history.

DH has gotten himself into individual counseling and anger management, but I’m waiting to see if it sticks.

Guess what, if you were in an all-out fight, swearing, yelling at each other, you were BOTH being verbally abusive to EACH OTHER. You both lost it and you don’t get to just arbitrarily say “oh this thing he said crossed my red line,” you BOTH crossed several lines before you got to that point. That’s not the dynamic of an abuser-victim relationship, that’s two people abusing each other.

You both need professional help and you need to get off your high horse, OP.

Swearing is not the same thing as threatening violence, especially if the person threatening violence is much larger and more powerful.

Serious question, are there really couples who never, ever yell?

[Anonymous]

Immediately saying you want a divorce, in the heat of an argument of mutual combat, that is as you say uncharacteristic for your otherwise peaceful marriage, is unhinged and abusive behavior in itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH did something recently that crossed a hard bright line of a boundary. Something so egregious that I immediately told him I want a divorce.

He does not want to divorce and asked if we could separate instead.

I don’t believe in separations, for the most part, and in this instance am not interested.

We have one child(5). He’s a present and attentive father. However what occurred is a behavior that I don’t want our child to grow up around or believe is normal.

Not infidelity, not drugs or drinking.

The issue happened about a week ago. He has apologized and is taking steps to rectify.

I am feeling…meh. We can be in the same house, sleep in the same bed. I’m not angry, but I am feeling just done. Healthy fun adventurous sex life before this, and I have zero interest right now.

Objectively it’s likely not this last thing but being fed up because this last thing was the straw. We had a rough 2-years when first married, but the last few have been good.

Do I just stick it out? I don’t want my kid to deal with split households, split resources, step siblings, etc. I have no interest in ever remarrying and will be fine if I don’t have more kids.

For people who divorced, where it wasn’t a clear “my spouse is terrible and I must get out” how did you know? If you divorced, did you regret it?

If you stayed did things get better? How?

Probably should mention both of us have been under a bunch of work stress lately.

Clearly you are taking this seriously and thinking it thru fully.

Continue that thinking with, “Why will I still be in this situation five years from now? Will I regret losing an opportunity to do the right thing for myself and my son?”