Considering Divorce

[Anonymous]

OP, yelling and swearing at each other is not normal or healthy. You need therapy too. Lots of it. Healthy relationships and healthy people don’t fight like this.

[Anonymous]

I meant 50% of the time. You lose a lot of control in a typical divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to grow up. You two were in a major argument. People say things, including you. If he didn't hit you stop acting like a baby. You two have a child together. Any thought to how your kid's life will be with a broken home?

Also, 100% do not believe this ONE ARGUMENT did a 180 on your entire marriage. Sorry, doesn't work that way. You're leaving out stuff.

This x 1000. People on anonymous internet forums like this tend to advocate for divorce at the drop of a hat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, yelling and swearing at each other is not normal or healthy. You need therapy too. Lots of it. Healthy relationships and healthy people don’t fight like this.

I’m already in therapy. This argument was abnormal for us, hence noting the work stress.

Our household is generally peaceful.

[Anonymous]

Since this is anonymous, what did he say? What was the specific thread?

I'm imagining something like stop yelling or I'll throw this at you, or I'll smack you? Or I'll shoot you?

I find it divorce -worthy.

[Anonymous]

Move on. But you made a big mistake by marring him and having a kid with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, yelling and swearing at each other is not normal or healthy. You need therapy too. Lots of it. Healthy relationships and healthy people don’t fight like this.

I’m already in therapy. This argument was abnormal for us, hence noting the work stress.

Our household is generally peaceful.

I don't think that this sounds generally peaceful. It sounds like it is a high conflict relationship with some periods of stability. If this is a bright line for you then your husband knew that and wanted it to hurt and scare you. Or maybe he wanted you to threaten to leave. Who knows. What is the case, though, is you need better ways of fighting. There's constant stress in a working family. It will happen again. So what do you do then?

I think you should separate, as suggested, and spend some time working through why you are drawn to high conflict relationships. What purpose does it serve? And can you get that need met in a healthier way? I think you deserve it. And your child does too.

[Anonymous]

Both were yelling? Usually it's one or the other yelling.
No, kid does not want to live in such environment. I was the kid.
Sharing the kid is ok. At some point the child can ask to stay at one parent place more than other. I did not make my kid move back and forth when I left my abusive ex. Being physically abusive did not mean he didn't get 50% custody.
My net worth has gone up considerably after I left a man who didn't have two pennies to rub together. The child is almost 18 and I have built a considerable net worth for them. Possibly my attempt to make up marrying his loser dad.
Ex never re-married but has plenty of crazy relationships. I had one child years and years later.
The kid turned out great. He doesn't see us together often and it's not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much fallacious thinking on here. Your DH made a very serious mistake. He should take steps to ensure that it never happens again, rules to prevent arguments from getting so hot, etc.

As bad as his threatening words were, they do not mean that A. He will now hit you. B. He will now hurt your kid. C. He is going to kill you.

His bad actions do mean he has to get his f*ing act together or life as he knows it is over.

DH is responding to this like he understands I am serious about ending our marriage because of how seriously I take this incident. He has not attempted to love bomb, nor did he even tell me about the counseling and anger management. I only know because there were claims reported to our insurance and I get notifications through our HSA, he does not know I’m notified, which tells me it’s not performative.

And all of that is great, it’s quite literally the least he should do for himself. I just don’t know if I’m interested in sticking it out past this. It’s like a switch, I do not feel the same about him as I did before this happened.

Part of why I’m even considering divorcing is because I’m not worried about splitting custody. Kid will be taken care of well in either household. DH is responsible as a Dad.

What does concern me is I don’t like the idea of new people being added in new relationships because step parents are either wonderful or terrible, and I don’t want my kid to have to share resources with step siblings.

It's odd to me how comfortable you seem to be about seeing your children less. Is there some part of you that wouldn't actually enjoy more YOU time, and as bad as whatever he threatened is or was (I don't know), here's a chance to get out from a lifestyle you don't actually want?

[Anonymous]

Go to couples counseling asap.
Divorce is HORRIBLE. Avoid if at all possible. (Going through it now and I hate life)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to grow up. You two were in a major argument. People say things, including you. If he didn't hit you stop acting like a baby. You two have a child together. Any thought to how your kid's life will be with a broken home?

Also, 100% do not believe this ONE ARGUMENT did a 180 on your entire marriage. Sorry, doesn't work that way. You're leaving out stuff.

+1.

What he did is definitely not acceptable, but it didn't happen in a vacuum. You admit it was a heated argument and you were both swearing at each other. I think at some point you should do joint counseling to both learn how to de-escalate and argument like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to couples counseling asap.
Divorce is HORRIBLE. Avoid if at all possible. (Going through it now and I hate life)

It does not have to be horrible. I am divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you hate your kid you should definitely get divorced. But if you don't, then you should just work through it and heal.

Also, what kind of wacko bright line is this if it's not infidelity or substance abuse? Did he kill the dog with his bare hands or something? Or say that Tucker Carlson "kind of has a point on there"?

"To be honest, I do actually believe it's not butter"

Hahahahaha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to grow up. You two were in a major argument. People say things, including you. If he didn't hit you stop acting like a baby. You two have a child together. Any thought to how your kid's life will be with a broken home?

Also, 100% do not believe this ONE ARGUMENT did a 180 on your entire marriage. Sorry, doesn't work that way. You're leaving out stuff.

I cannot imagine this is a real response. OPs husband threatened her with physical violence, with an history of almost being killed by an ex, and your advice is that she should… grow up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go to couples counseling asap.
Divorce is HORRIBLE. Avoid if at all possible. (Going through it now and I hate life)

It does not have to be horrible. I am divorced.

+1. Plus I think it was the best we could do for our kid.