Considering Divorce
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Anonymous
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DH did something recently that crossed a hard bright line of a boundary. Something so egregious that I immediately told him I want a divorce.
He does not want to divorce and asked if we could separate instead. I don’t believe in separations, for the most part, and in this instance am not interested. We have one child(5). He’s a present and attentive father. However what occurred is a behavior that I don’t want our child to grow up around or believe is normal. Not infidelity, not drugs or drinking. The issue happened about a week ago. He has apologized and is taking steps to rectify. I am feeling…meh. We can be in the same house, sleep in the same bed. I’m not angry, but I am feeling just done. Healthy fun adventurous sex life before this, and I have zero interest right now. Objectively it’s likely not this last thing but being fed up because this last thing was the straw. We had a rough 2-years when first married, but the last few have been good. Do I just stick it out? I don’t want my kid to deal with split households, split resources, step siblings, etc. I have no interest in ever remarrying and will be fine if I don’t have more kids. For people who divorced, where it wasn’t a clear “my spouse is terrible and I must get out” how did you know? If you divorced, did you regret it? If you stayed did things get better? How? Probably should mention both of us have been under a bunch of work stress lately. |
Anonymous
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A lot probably depends on whether whatever he did would affect custody in the eyes of a judge.
Are you mad because you feel like he violated your relationship, or something else? Was he abusive? |
Anonymous
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Wondering what it could’ve been.
Especially since you he both been under a lot of stress lately. |
Anonymous
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If you hate your kid you should definitely get divorced. But if you don't, then you should just work through it and heal.
Also, what kind of wacko bright line is this if it's not infidelity or substance abuse? Did he kill the dog with his bare hands or something? Or say that Tucker Carlson "kind of has a point on there"? |
Anonymous
"To be honest, I do actually believe it's not butter" |
Anonymous
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OP. Threatened me with physical violence, did not physically harm me. We were arguing, both yelling, both swearing and it escalated.
I have a long ago history in an abusive relationship that was life threatening violence and it’s not something I’m going to deal with. DH is aware of the history. DH has gotten himself into individual counseling and anger management, but I’m waiting to see if it sticks. |
Anonymous
| It did stick. He didn't hit you. Take the W on this. |
Anonymous
| Unless you have a couple of years to go before the kid graduates I would stick it out for the kid as long as humanly possible. Separation seems great. |
Anonymous
No, threats are not acceptable or either. |
Anonymous
He got into anger management after the argument, too early to tell if there will be any effect. |
Anonymous
| Well, if he threatened you he will threaten your kid. You need to consult with a divorce attorney about the best way forward. |
Anonymous
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It’s not only anger management he needs. Abusive men are inherently entitled and so respectful of women and those are the issues they need to fix.
I recommend reading the Lundy Bancroft book “why does he do that?” For some perspective. He has another book for those debating whether to stay or go. Can’t recall title. I left a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage to an addict. Even with all of that dysfunction, the decision was agonizing. I don’t regret leaving but I will say that divorce with kids is so much harder and more painful than I ever imagined. Divorcing an abuser makes it worse. The trauma bond is no joke and tough to sever. I know I made the right decision in that my day to day life is so much more peaceful and I am in a (for first time ever) healthy romantic relationship. But being tied to this person by children for the rest of my life is one of the circles or hell. And then when they bring a new woman into the mix. This is why I envy widows. This was a long winded way of saying you’re going to be choosing the lesser of the evils. Good luck my friend. I am sorry you are in this position. |
Anonymous
| ^Don't bother with the Lundy Bancroft book. He is a known quack and the book is drivel. |
Anonymous
I’m not concerned about him as a parent, if I was, this would be a simple call. He’s a good dad and is following gentle parenting, we don’t do corporal punishment of any kind and I can barely get him to use a time out. |
Anonymous
| If you divorce him he will get 50% of the time with your kid unless he agrees to less. You say he's a good dad. So ... 50%. |