Considering Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Threatened me with physical violence, did not physically harm me. We were arguing, both yelling, both swearing and it escalated.

I have a long ago history in an abusive relationship that was life threatening violence and it’s not something I’m going to deal with. DH is aware of the history.

DH has gotten himself into individual counseling and anger management, but I’m waiting to see if it sticks.

In my experience threats were a precursor to violence I. Which my ex tried to kill me. When someone shows you who they are, believe them…the first time.

[Anonymous]

So much fallacious thinking on here. Your DH made a very serious mistake. He should take steps to ensure that it never happens again, rules to prevent arguments from getting so hot, etc.

As bad as his threatening words were, they do not mean that A. He will now hit you. B. He will now hurt your kid. C. He is going to kill you.

His bad actions do mean he has to get his f*ing act together or life as he knows it is over.

[Anonymous]

No Op you do not stick around when your kid is only 5.

Jesus grow up.

If you want a divorce get one but don't stay til your kid leaves for college that is way more damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much fallacious thinking on here. Your DH made a very serious mistake. He should take steps to ensure that it never happens again, rules to prevent arguments from getting so hot, etc.

As bad as his threatening words were, they do not mean that A. He will now hit you. B. He will now hurt your kid. C. He is going to kill you.

His bad actions do mean he has to get his f*ing act together or life as he knows it is over.

UTTER BS.

People do not change who have anger issues like this.

Next he will hit and next he will touch her kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much fallacious thinking on here. Your DH made a very serious mistake. He should take steps to ensure that it never happens again, rules to prevent arguments from getting so hot, etc.

As bad as his threatening words were, they do not mean that A. He will now hit you. B. He will now hurt your kid. C. He is going to kill you.

His bad actions do mean he has to get his f*ing act together or life as he knows it is over.

UTTER BS.

People do not change who have anger issues like this.

Next he will hit and next he will touch her kid.

Except the contrary has already been shown. He has never hit her or the kid. He's had over 5 years to be hitting people and he never has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much fallacious thinking on here. Your DH made a very serious mistake. He should take steps to ensure that it never happens again, rules to prevent arguments from getting so hot, etc.

As bad as his threatening words were, they do not mean that A. He will now hit you. B. He will now hurt your kid. C. He is going to kill you.

His bad actions do mean he has to get his f*ing act together or life as he knows it is over.

DH is responding to this like he understands I am serious about ending our marriage because of how seriously I take this incident. He has not attempted to love bomb, nor did he even tell me about the counseling and anger management. I only know because there were claims reported to our insurance and I get notifications through our HSA, he does not know I’m notified, which tells me it’s not performative.

And all of that is great, it’s quite literally the least he should do for himself. I just don’t know if I’m interested in sticking it out past this. It’s like a switch, I do not feel the same about him as I did before this happened.

Part of why I’m even considering divorcing is because I’m not worried about splitting custody. Kid will be taken care of well in either household. DH is responsible as a Dad.

What does concern me is I don’t like the idea of new people being added in new relationships because step parents are either wonderful or terrible, and I don’t want my kid to have to share resources with step siblings.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to grow up. You two were in a major argument. People say things, including you. If he didn't hit you stop acting like a baby. You two have a child together. Any thought to how your kid's life will be with a broken home?

Also, 100% do not believe this ONE ARGUMENT did a 180 on your entire marriage. Sorry, doesn't work that way. You're leaving out stuff.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do this to your child. Adding in step parents, step siblings, half siblings. That would be incredibly disruptive. If he’s someone you can trust your child with then you should trust he will work on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much fallacious thinking on here. Your DH made a very serious mistake. He should take steps to ensure that it never happens again, rules to prevent arguments from getting so hot, etc.

As bad as his threatening words were, they do not mean that A. He will now hit you. B. He will now hurt your kid. C. He is going to kill you.

His bad actions do mean he has to get his f*ing act together or life as he knows it is over.

UTTER BS.

People do not change who have anger issues like this.

Next he will hit and next he will touch her kid.

Yes, your are utter BS. Just because a person used to have anger issues doesn't mean they don't change. My father used to have anger issues. Now he's very kind. I used to have anger issues. Now I'm controlled and calm.

Wake up. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much fallacious thinking on here. Your DH made a very serious mistake. He should take steps to ensure that it never happens again, rules to prevent arguments from getting so hot, etc.

As bad as his threatening words were, they do not mean that A. He will now hit you. B. He will now hurt your kid. C. He is going to kill you.

His bad actions do mean he has to get his f*ing act together or life as he knows it is over.

UTTER BS.

People do not change who have anger issues like this.

Next he will hit and next he will touch her kid.

OP was also yelling and swearing - so she too has anger issues. Next she will hit him and touch her kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Threatened me with physical violence, did not physically harm me. We were arguing, both yelling, both swearing and it escalated.

I have a long ago history in an abusive relationship that was life threatening violence and it’s not something I’m going to deal with. DH is aware of the history.

DH has gotten himself into individual counseling and anger management, but I’m waiting to see if it sticks.

You both need to go. People in healthy relationships DO NOT yell and swear at each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to grow up. You two were in a major argument. People say things, including you. If he didn't hit you stop acting like a baby. You two have a child together. Any thought to how your kid's life will be with a broken home?

Also, 100% do not believe this ONE ARGUMENT did a 180 on your entire marriage. Sorry, doesn't work that way. You're leaving out stuff.

We had some major problems years ago. Not related to this, not relevant today. We generally don’t have problems, any arguments are minor over quickly, over regular marriage stuff, like cleaning which could easily be solved by hiring someone to deal with it.

It really was this incident and only because DH knows that 12 years ago a ex almost killed me, so my tolerance for violence or threats of it is zero.

I don’t want my kid to deal with a broken home, but two healthy homes is better than one unhealthy one.

A reality check is fine, I’m asking strangers on the internet because you’re not automatically going to be on my side like a friend will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do this to your child. Adding in step parents, step siblings, half siblings. That would be incredibly disruptive. If he’s someone you can trust your child with then you should trust he will work on this.

That’s really helpful perspective. I have no question that I can trust him with our child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce him he will get 50% of the time with your kid unless he agrees to less. You say he's a good dad. So ... 50%.

This

[Anonymous]

To everyone: stop with the stepfamily assumptions. Many people don’t remarry and stepfamilies are a non-issue.

OP: he will get 50% custody. You need to be more concerned about financial issues and if you want your kid with him alone 100% of the time.