Secretly starting to resent husband and all the care of his elderly mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to sound cold-hearted, but this problem has an end point, and it's probably not that far away. If you can't work less or change anything, then at least you can look forward to that (without telling DH, of course).

They’ve been at it for five years. No more moves. Stay in the existing nursing home, hospital or hospice. If her condition deteriorates, go to hospice and avoid any interventions. This can be really hard but is far less cruel to the patient. DH’s grandmother made a point of picking the kid who stand by her wishes for power of medical decisions. There were two others who completely lost their minds that he declined interventions she wouldn’t have wanted but could have prolonged her life a few months. She died peacefully in hospice. The nurses were relieved that he held firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking MIL out of the picture, just having 3 young kids and 2 60 hr/week jobs with travel is completely OTT and not workable. I can’t imagine how you are surviving with MIL in the mix. It’s natural that everyone would be miserable. You guys should really consider some major changes so you can stop living in constant anxiety.

YES.

The stress is coming from multiple sources, not just the need to care for MIL. Highly advisable to revisit your work/family balance. Two people with 60 hr/wk jobs and three young kids without adequate outside help is a recipe for massive stress and family fracture. I feel for the situation you're in and admire your DH's devotion to his mom, but it seems overly simplistic to assume MIL's situation is the root cause. It's absolutely a contributor, but your other choices are, too (jobs, kids, activities, outside help or lack of it), so please consider the entirety of your commitments when evaluating ways you can lessen the burden. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you hire some help re: the kids and driving? Any household stuff that can be outsourced?

+100

This, or find a ~ 40/hr week job. Two parents working 60 hrs/week doesn't leave much time to spend with 3 kids.

I'm not convinced MIL's health is the root problem. Seems like two overworked parents who are already stretched to their limits before MIL even enters the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that she will most likely pass within the next 5 years.

Hire help and give grace.

+1 don't let circumstances tear your family apart. Have empathy and compassion.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to work so much? Both of you should cut back. 60 with travel is a lot.

Who’s going to pay for MIL’s care?

You, in a different job that is more suitable to your situation.

Don't listen to this person. Must be someone who's retired. Jobs aren't growing on trees and her kids will need those resources eventually. MIL's situation is temporary.

It doesn’t change the fact that having both parents have 60+ hrs/wk jobs with three kids is unsustainable for most families. I worked part-time when my dh had a job like that. He’s stepped back now and I’ve ramped up to full-time with some travel. I don’t see how we would have managed otherwise.

The two parents working 60+ plus hours is really the crazy part of this whole scenario. Elderly parents get ill, siblings don't step up in meaningful ways, kids need care. The kids stopping their activities doesn't seem like a viable solution, nor does simply abandoning a sick 90-year-old woman. Getting some additional assistance with kids and mom would help. And one or both parents need to step back. It's almost as if OP and DH are in some competition to see who can burn out first.

Or they have worked hard and are successful or on the path to becoming successful in their careers. They should not step back from their careers. They are already funding the elderly women’s 90k a year nursing care. They need to step back from the 90 year old and let the people they hired to take care of her do it.

The idea that OP should give up her job or mommy track herself for MIL is insane. I guess to pay for the nursing care then the kids can give up college. No self respecting grandmother would ever want this to happen.

Both parents working 60+ hours plus travel is insane. OP and her husband are actively courting disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to work so much? Both of you should cut back. 60 with travel is a lot.

Who’s going to pay for MIL’s care?

You, in a different job that is more suitable to your situation.

Don't listen to this person. Must be someone who's retired. Jobs aren't growing on trees and her kids will need those resources eventually. MIL's situation is temporary.

It doesn’t change the fact that having both parents have 60+ hrs/wk jobs with three kids is unsustainable for most families. I worked part-time when my dh had a job like that. He’s stepped back now and I’ve ramped up to full-time with some travel. I don’t see how we would have managed otherwise.

The two parents working 60+ plus hours is really the crazy part of this whole scenario. Elderly parents get ill, siblings don't step up in meaningful ways, kids need care. The kids stopping their activities doesn't seem like a viable solution, nor does simply abandoning a sick 90-year-old woman. Getting some additional assistance with kids and mom would help. And one or both parents need to step back. It's almost as if OP and DH are in some competition to see who can burn out first.

Or they have worked hard and are successful or on the path to becoming successful in their careers. They should not step back from their careers. They are already funding the elderly women’s 90k a year nursing care. They need to step back from the 90 year old and let the people they hired to take care of her do it.

The idea that OP should give up her job or mommy track herself for MIL is insane. I guess to pay for the nursing care then the kids can give up college. No self respecting grandmother would ever want this to happen.

Well, she has three young kids—so yes, she’s a mommy. She did that, has nothing to do with MIL. OP and her spouse made the choice to have three kids, so yes, one of them needs to stop being a 60 hour a week work gunner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to work so much? Both of you should cut back. 60 with travel is a lot.

Who’s going to pay for MIL’s care?

You, in a different job that is more suitable to your situation.

Don't listen to this person. Must be someone who's retired. Jobs aren't growing on trees and her kids will need those resources eventually. MIL's situation is temporary.

It doesn’t change the fact that having both parents have 60+ hrs/wk jobs with three kids is unsustainable for most families. I worked part-time when my dh had a job like that. He’s stepped back now and I’ve ramped up to full-time with some travel. I don’t see how we would have managed otherwise.

It can be sustainable with a great nanny

No nanny is this great. Anyone who works this much and thinks their “great” nanny is making up for the lack of parental involvement has low standards for how their kids are raised.

[Anonymous]

Say something to your DH. Being able to talk about it with him kindly will help. Part of it is that it’s bottled up. You don’t have to even figure out what to change. Just talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to work so much? Both of you should cut back. 60 with travel is a lot.

Who’s going to pay for MIL’s care?

You, in a different job that is more suitable to your situation.

Don't listen to this person. Must be someone who's retired. Jobs aren't growing on trees and her kids will need those resources eventually. MIL's situation is temporary.

It doesn’t change the fact that having both parents have 60+ hrs/wk jobs with three kids is unsustainable for most families. I worked part-time when my dh had a job like that. He’s stepped back now and I’ve ramped up to full-time with some travel. I don’t see how we would have managed otherwise.

The two parents working 60+ plus hours is really the crazy part of this whole scenario. Elderly parents get ill, siblings don't step up in meaningful ways, kids need care. The kids stopping their activities doesn't seem like a viable solution, nor does simply abandoning a sick 90-year-old woman. Getting some additional assistance with kids and mom would help. And one or both parents need to step back. It's almost as if OP and DH are in some competition to see who can burn out first.

Or they have worked hard and are successful or on the path to becoming successful in their careers. They should not step back from their careers. They are already funding the elderly women’s 90k a year nursing care. They need to step back from the 90 year old and let the people they hired to take care of her do it.

The idea that OP should give up her job or mommy track herself for MIL is insane. I guess to pay for the nursing care then the kids can give up college. No self respecting grandmother would ever want this to happen.

Well, she has three young kids—so yes, she’s a mommy. She did that, has nothing to do with MIL. OP and her spouse made the choice to have three kids, so yes, one of them needs to stop being a 60 hour a week work gunner.

This. It’s nice that at least DH sounds like a good son, because both he and OP sound like crappy parents. This is obvious when the first and only thought is basically “how can I outsource caring for or spending time with my family even more?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't the best place to be asking for advice or venting. Many posters are incredibly selfish. Life is all about them, how dare any family member intrude into their lives.

The reality is that your husband's mother is in a demanding position with her dementia. You can't abandon her to the state. Someone does have to be there to make the decisions. Your husband is doing what is right and just.

It will pass in due time.

Red flag. The word "selfish" is thrown like a dagger to manipulate people into feeling guilty for having boundaries. Reject that manipulation. You have a right to outsource. The health of the family you create comes first. I don't know about you, but I was left with any sitter who was breathing and over the age of 8 as a kid and fended for myself a lot. Even pulling back he will be providing a lot better care than many of us received as kids.

I did not set boundaries for too long and my health and the mental and physical health of one of my kids suffered greatly. I made a mistake and re-calibrated. Mom is well cared for by people trained to deal with her. We have someone trained to advocate and make medical decisions. When I see her I no longer feel angry, burned out and resentful and when she gets difficult, I can leave and know she has a professional ally.

Funny, I think “boundaries” is a word people throw around when they want to be selfish and shirk their responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't the best place to be asking for advice or venting. Many posters are incredibly selfish. Life is all about them, how dare any family member intrude into their lives.

The reality is that your husband's mother is in a demanding position with her dementia. You can't abandon her to the state. Someone does have to be there to make the decisions. Your husband is doing what is right and just.

It will pass in due time.

Red flag. The word "selfish" is thrown like a dagger to manipulate people into feeling guilty for having boundaries. Reject that manipulation. You have a right to outsource. The health of the family you create comes first. I don't know about you, but I was left with any sitter who was breathing and over the age of 8 as a kid and fended for myself a lot. Even pulling back he will be providing a lot better care than many of us received as kids.

I did not set boundaries for too long and my health and the mental and physical health of one of my kids suffered greatly. I made a mistake and re-calibrated. Mom is well cared for by people trained to deal with her. We have someone trained to advocate and make medical decisions. When I see her I no longer feel angry, burned out and resentful and when she gets difficult, I can leave and know she has a professional ally.

Outsource what?

Grandma has dementia and is in assistant living/hospice/hospitals.

What do you expect? Say sorry to grandma and tell her she's on her own when she's not capable of doing anything or making decisions? Really?

OP's husband clearly has power of attorney and is the designated person with the legal responsibility for his mother. Which means by default he does have to be there to sign the papers and deal with the needs.

Kids and OP have to understand that right now they are not the most important people around. And that is why you come across as selfish and self-centered because it's all about you, right? That's why words like "boundaries" are major red flags. YOU are not important. Accept it.

Right now I am dealing with aging parents that is taking up more time than I'd like but it's the right thing to do. Just as they sacrificed all their time for me as a child as that was the right thing to do, too. Selfishness has no place here.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. It’s terrible that the siblings aren’t helping at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to work so much? Both of you should cut back. 60 with travel is a lot.

Who’s going to pay for MIL’s care?

You, in a different job that is more suitable to your situation.

Don't listen to this person. Must be someone who's retired. Jobs aren't growing on trees and her kids will need those resources eventually. MIL's situation is temporary.

It doesn’t change the fact that having both parents have 60+ hrs/wk jobs with three kids is unsustainable for most families. I worked part-time when my dh had a job like that. He’s stepped back now and I’ve ramped up to full-time with some travel. I don’t see how we would have managed otherwise.

It can be sustainable with a great nanny

No nanny is this great. Anyone who works this much and thinks their “great” nanny is making up for the lack of parental involvement has low standards for how their kids are raised.

+1. And I have a great nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to work so much? Both of you should cut back. 60 with travel is a lot.

Who’s going to pay for MIL’s care?

You, in a different job that is more suitable to your situation.

Don't listen to this person. Must be someone who's retired. Jobs aren't growing on trees and her kids will need those resources eventually. MIL's situation is temporary.

It doesn’t change the fact that having both parents have 60+ hrs/wk jobs with three kids is unsustainable for most families. I worked part-time when my dh had a job like that. He’s stepped back now and I’ve ramped up to full-time with some travel. I don’t see how we would have managed otherwise.

The two parents working 60+ plus hours is really the crazy part of this whole scenario. Elderly parents get ill, siblings don't step up in meaningful ways, kids need care. The kids stopping their activities doesn't seem like a viable solution, nor does simply abandoning a sick 90-year-old woman. Getting some additional assistance with kids and mom would help. And one or both parents need to step back. It's almost as if OP and DH are in some competition to see who can burn out first.

Or they have worked hard and are successful or on the path to becoming successful in their careers. They should not step back from their careers. They are already funding the elderly women’s 90k a year nursing care. They need to step back from the 90 year old and let the people they hired to take care of her do it.

The idea that OP should give up her job or mommy track herself for MIL is insane. I guess to pay for the nursing care then the kids can give up college. No self respecting grandmother would ever want this to happen.

Both parents working 60+ hours plus travel is insane. OP and her husband are actively courting disaster.

OP will have a rude awakening when MIL dies and her family life is still a train wreck.

[Anonymous]

If MIL is going on hospice, is it possible to have her at your home w/ aides to take care of her? At leas then everyone is home in the evening--no going to nursing homes to visit, sign papers etc.

If MIL is 90, you guys can't be all that young, which means your kids are not all that young, so can you carpool, cut back on some activities, cut back on work schedules etc? Hire a helper to grocery shop, run errands, shuttle the kids around etc?